1.This is the last of a three-part series reprinted with the permission of the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA). Brief overview of tips 1 through 7 published Monday and Tuesday.
First look at yourself. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating with your children about sex, love and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues.
2. Talk, talk, talk. Talk with your children early and often about sex and be specific.
3. Monitor your children. Establish rules, curfews and standards of expected behaviour, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication.
4. Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values.
5. Discourage early, frequent and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble.
6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is and don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than him.
7. Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood.
Encourage education
8. Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage them to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance.
School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to their progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counsellors, and coaches.
Also limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school.
Be media
literate
9. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to. Television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines and the Internet are full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone.
Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programmes or movies offend you, say so, and explain why.
Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programmes they watch and the music they listen to.
You may not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.
Build a strong
relationship early
10. The first nine tips work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age.
Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasises mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:
Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a "bank account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behaviour.
Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. Don't compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can't you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.
Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.
A FINAL NOTE: It's never too late to improve a relationship with a child or teenager. Don't underestimate the great need children feel at all ages for a close relationship with their parents and for their parents' guidance, approval, and support.
