Chester BurgessPOSITIONED IN the Pacific Ocean, somewhere between Belize and Barbados, its people having ethnic linkage with Absurdia and Baboonia, the island state of Youtopya was born in 1962 after a century of being a colony of Jacaima. This was pleasing to Jacaima, for as the Youtopyans began to breathe the odour of dying empires that began to fill Earth's atmosphere following the British surrender of India in 1947, Youtopyan behaviour had degenerated into an amazing capacity for lawlessness, characterised by assault upon Jacaiman persons, property and culture. Pre-1962 Jacaima was a land of law and order where for sport people shot goals rather than each other, a land registering enviable economic growth, one in which the social services were in best shape.
The prospect of continuing to share these achievements with a society that seemed bent on disorder and mischief was unattractive, and so when the blast of Youtopyan demand for independence fell on Jacaiman ears there was immediate acquiescence. The new state was christened Youtopya, reflecting the intention that this was going to be a Utopian state, one in which all things are wonderful, but at the same time contemptuously rejecting the old-order classical spelling of Utopia - hence YOUTOPYA.
If all seemed well during the first decade of nationhood, by the mid-seventies there were ominous signs of having embarked on a sorry course. The pre-1962 bravado talk, the "escape" from colonialism which was underlined by the immediate adoption of a republican constitution, a resolution to demonstrate to the world how a country ought to be governed, the emergence of a new political philosophy called Socialistic Democracy - all had converged ecstatically into a New Order; but as time went by that ecstasy began to fade. In a world turning its back on communism and the like, Socialistic Democracy or Democratic Socialism was but oxymoronic in principle and was to prove preposterous in practice. Soon the Youtopyans were to become convinced that the New Order had either been conceived in error or was being implemented by persons incapable of achievement, for not only was there serious decline at home but Youtopya was losing respect abroad.
The time came, in the nineties, when they were fully convinced that the government headed by President Patrick Gordon - he liked being called P.G. - could only be considered clueless in the light of abundant evidence, and no amount of acrobatic presidential eloquence or echoing by his subordinates could persuade them otherwise. As they looked around they saw absolutely nothing to be happy about but plenty in the present that forbode a frightening future.
The economy had passed from stagnation into decline, with insufficient investment and rising unemployment, earning poor international ratings; the budget was being financed largely through loans, with debt-servicing absorbing a majority of revenue collected; insufficient revenue had led to inability to properly finance such prime social services as education, health and road maintenance; the government was frequently at odds with various elements of the public service; crime and violence had reached unprecedented proportions, threatening tourism and investment prospects; there was disturbing increase in the use of the military in the constabulary function; escape from custody was the order of the day; there was widespread talk of political corruption; squatting had become institutionalised; there arose a multiplicity of Protest and Justice organisations, with marches and demonstrations; there was occasional reference to the possibility of revolution in an atmosphere charged with discontent, despondency and despair, as people felt that they were being treated like street people.
The day came when the Youtopyans declared to P.G. in no uncertain terms their utter dissatisfaction with the state of affairs and insisted that he and his Council resign or get together with the Opposition as a last resort measure; but with dextrous eloquence he steered a successful course between the two alternatives. He openly admitted that much had gone wrong with Youtopya, and that the situation called for deepest consideration, development of corrective and progressive policy, and the emergence of appropriate machinery to give effect to reform and recovery.
He was therefore pleased to announce that he and his Council would go into a week-long retreat, at the end of which Youtopyans would be told what was good for them and how such would be achieved. This was to be not merely another instance of first aid, but a prescription for the future that would mark a turning point in the history of Youtopya. This was received with very cautious optimism or optimistic caution, which ever is less. President and Council withdrew to a beach resort hotel where they conferred, though the media had little difficulty in conveying that pleasure was copiously mixed with business. Meanwhile all Youtopya waited for what had come to be termed the Day of Revelation.
That day came. In an elaborately arranged presentation in the House of Assembly President P.G. announced, inter alia, that "Yesterday is behind us, today is with us, tomorrow is what we make of it. We want our country to be a wondrous place, something truly utopian, so we have courageously decided to change the name of our country from Youtopya to Utopia - no need for referendum which it is going to be as from tomorrow. We have also decided that tomorrow will be a public holiday no need for legal process as, after all, the law is not a shackle. Let us greet the new day with celebration, let this night be the Night of Expectation. Now listen to the machinery that will be set in place, starting tomorrow, that will make our country a true Utopia and tomorrow the Day of Promise".
He then outlined in alphabetical order a catalogue of policies and an array of machinery within and beyond existing government instruments that bore the promise of making all things bright and beautiful. Those included: Agriculture Advancement Agency, Bureau of Employment Development, Co-ordination of Taxes Office, Education Intensification Programme, Foreign Trade Investigative Task Force, Good Government Advisory Committee, Housing Allowance Framework, Incentive Investment Legislation, Justice Monitoring Council, National Health Insurance Scheme, Out with the IMF, Price Monitoring Bureau, Youth Involvement Drive, Zero tolerance with regard to squatting.
The Youtopyans had never been offered political bait of this quality before, and they swallowed it hook, line and sinker. All that Night of Expectation all Youtopya celebrated in a manner never seen before. The hills, plains and valleys of Youtopya were showered with such as "P.G. - Prophet of God", "Day of Revelation", "Tomorrow Utopia", "Day of Promise".
But what the Youtopyans, all fools, didn't know was that there was never going to be another such celebration - a Day of Fulfilment, a time when dreams would begin to come true. This was because the Youtopyans, all fools, were so mesmerised by President Patrick Gordon's speechcraft that they failed to observe that the Day of Revelation and Night of Expectation shared a common date, March thirty-first, and were completely oblivious to the horrendous reality that the morrow, the Day of Promise, was dated April first - ALL FOOLS DAY.
Chester Burgess is Honorary Director of the Jamaica Chamber of Commerce.
