Jennifer Keane-Dawes, Contributor
ME dear mam, like de song seh, "Gee whiz it's Christmas!" Massy! An missis, nuh joke wid foreign people an dem haliday yu nuh. Cause as Thanksgiv-ing come an done inna de lass part a November, Christmas start fram de fuss a December. When nayly every lightpost, tree, an street kanah light up wid pepper light an Christmus wreath. Not fe mention how de store people dem fly dung bout ten million Santa from de North Pole an scatter dem inna every store fe mek people memba seh a Christmas. Suh dem must come een come buy. But missis, same like yard, a de said way a foreign. Wid all de rush an de heap a parcel what a go een an a come outta store, if yu tek a stock, all kine a smady bungle up inna de shopping crowd.
Shopper number 1. Inna de store wid very few item inna de trolley: "Tenk yu Massa Gad, fe de sense fe buy de ting dem little little from de year start. Now all me need a little food an me set."
Shopper number 2: Wid fe him yeye all bout a look pon weh adda people a buy. "Me suppose fe cater a Vernon wedden next week. Me did tell him an Daphne seh me a charge dem twenty-five towzin. But fe dem bread butter. Me a go uppy to fawty. An dem haffi pay me. Cause Christmus a come an me need tings inna my house!"
Shopper number 3: Wid fe her heel back heng dung over de spike heel boot. Like ice cream cone weh smady full up to much: "Everybaddy dung pon me fe lef Ivan. Cause him married. But a dat dem a look pon? Me a look pon how him treat me. A which one a dem did a go pick up seventy towzin gi me inna big, big Christmus? While me a buy, dem can tan deh talk dem talk."
Meanwhile, dung town, inna dis next crowd das hancart mad fe plough dung, is shopper number 4. George wife. George, de said George dat along wid Miss Heel Back. But hear fe him wife now: "Poor George. All de wuk him a wuk notta bonus. Suh me nuh know how me an dem pickney a go manage dis Christmus. Anyway, dem wi satisfy. An me can do widout. But me did a hope fe a little money fe even go pull de teet. Anyway me wi galang tek de phensic. But if a even a new shut, me haffi fine de money an buy fe him."
Shopper number 5: Dis man, up an dung inna de hot sun hot a Constant Spring. An mad fe bake inna dis suck on trousis an leather jacket. "Lawks, a wonder weh Joseph want fe Christmus? Him suh hard fe please. Yes! me know weh me a go buy! Me a go get him a chain wid me name pon it. Him deserve it."
Shopper number 6: Two bwoy. From yu look pon dem yu see seh dem a tief. "A weh suh much police bwoy a do out ya? Mek we go dung little more for me nuh inna dem dis ya time. Jah know, If a even one Christmus I man a go spen a street."
Shopper number 7: One ooman wid har tie head a slip off. "Awright, mek we tek bus an go back dung town now. Cause de frack dung deh a fe tutty dallah less. De next one wid some herring sprat an pink parrot inna newspaper shoob dung inna two plastic bag. "A yu alone yu nuh! For me nuh able through yu de few fish go ratten!"
Shopper number 8 a come outta one store an start cuss de Salvation Army man, to dis ooman side a har. An all de poor man a do a ring de bell. "Watch dem. As christmus a come suh yu hear dem a ring ring a people aise hole like labourite!"
But while number 8 a mek har way through de crowd fe avoid de man, har fren, Shopper No. 9, dress back little an drap something inna de Salvation Army bucket. An as she start ketch up de next lady, she begin talk to harself. "Massa Gad, tenk yu fe de two foot weh me a walk pon. An de little much weh me coulda stretch gi smady else. Yu si me condition, Pupa Jeezas. But me still better off dan plenty. Help me fe hab a Merry Christmus."
Tek care!
Dr. Jennifer Keane-Dawes is a communications professor and a talk show host in the University of North Carolina system.
