Dear Pastor,
I am from Clarendon and in my thirties. I am having some serious problems. I hope your advice can help me. I am living with a man who is in his early forties. Together we have three beautiful children. I had a daughter before I met him. This man tricked me. He pretended that he was very nice to win my love. He doesn't like the child I had before I met him. He curses me before the children. He does not work, so I had to go out and work and support the children.
I am totally responsible for everything the children need, food, clothes, books, school fee etc. Whenever I am ill, I can't go to the doctor because I have to save the money to send my children to school and to feed them. This man stays at home. He cooks. He is not a nice person. He curses the children so they are afraid of him. I don't even sleep well at nights. I am always thinking about what can happen to them when I am away working. He stays with the children whenever I am away in Kingston working.
I don't see any future with this man. I want to take my children and leave him. I had one goat and he sold it without my knowledge. Whenever we are having any arguments he curses my relatives and my eldest child's name is always mentioned in the argument, even if we are talking about the simplest thing.
This man does not love me, I know that. I was involved in an accident and I had to seek medical attention. You would not believe that every evening this man wanted to have sex with me. He does not care about me. We have been together for more than twelve years. He has never given me anything. I can't ever remember telling him thanks. I am not a bad person. I am not ugly. I can keep another man with him, but I have not done it because I want to set good examples for my children to follow.
Please pray for me and may God bless you.
O.B., Clarendon
Dear O.B.,
I often wonder how some men could sit at home and allow their women to go out and work and bring in money to support them. How can a healthy man sit and eat his wife's bread day after day, month after month and year after year? I believe such men are sick and should not be called men at all. I can understand if a man lost his job and it is taking him a while to get another job. A good wife wouldn't fuss about that because she knows that he is trying his best to get another job. But there are too many of these lazy bums who are called husbands, whether legal or common law who are prepared to eat their wives labour everyday. And they do so unashamedly.
You have been with this man for over twelve years. You say he does not love you. You ought to know. What can you do now? I do not want to encourage you to leave. On the other hand, you would have lost absolutely nothing if you were to leave because you are the breadwinner of the family. He is not giving you anything.
The problem is: if one should talk to this man about his behaviour, he is likely to say that both of you have a beautiful relationship because he stays with the children and he cooks their dinner. He is also likely to say that you are the problem. I want to suggest that you get somebody to talk to this man. He needs help. Talk to somebody he respects, such as your minister or a school master etc. Let them come to the home and reason with him. But don't be in a hurry to leave him, unless of course his behaviour has worsened.
Pastor
Living with a heartless man
Dear Pastor,
I am a twenty-six-year-old mother. I am living with their father. I love my children more than anything else in the world. I would do anything for them, and I know now that is why I am still in this condition. I met their father just after I left high school. I came to Kingston to stay with a relative and to work and send myself back to school. I was in a good job but it didn't allow me to go to evening classes as it included nights.
When I met him he was a very quiet and decent young man. Within a year I got pregnant. I was everything to him then. Eventually I went to live with him and that is when everything started to go wrong, the beatings, the verbal abuse and even cheating. If I said to him that I was feeling ill, he would tell me to go to his mother's house as he couldn't help me.
I stayed around and believe me, I got pregnant again. This time I swore it would not happen again. After my baby was born I did an operation that he will never know about. He has tried to get me pregnant again, but he will never succeed. He searches all my private things, trying to find contraceptive pills. I know that he is not good for me. If he should ask me to marry him now, I would say no. My greatest concern is my children. If I leave him I know I will go through a rough time. I am like his prisoner right now.
I threw a partner a few years ago and when I got my hand we did a business together. I have to pay all the bills, give the children lunch money, pay school fee, find food and he doesn't bring a cent home. I don't know what he does with the money he earns. Whenever I ask him for money he asks why the business is there.
I have to be working in the business everyday. I have to prepare breakfast for the children and get them ready for school. He doesn't help with them in the mornings. I have to purchase items for the business. I can't go to Parent Teacher's Meeting and he doesn't get upset. The business has to be opened everyday, including Sundays. He wants it to be opened from in the morning until 9:00pm. Sometimes I pray that something would happen to me so that I can spend even two weeks in the hospital.
When I was attending primary school I was at the top of my class. I did well in high school. I only got two passes because I couldn't afford to take anymore. My parents are very poor. My mother has many children and my father did not try very hard to help us. My greatest desire is to go back to school. Sometimes when I see my former classmates who were not doing well in school with me, I put the best outside, but when I get home I lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Some are teachers, nurses, pharmacists, police, soldiers etc. All my friends have careers. I would like to be a police officer.
I am stressed out. My body is weak. Whenever I tell my children's father that I want to go back to school, he laughs at me and say, big woman doesn't go to school'
. He said if I want to go back to school I should go and live at my parents home. I want to be a good role model for my children. I want to be able to pay their school fee and give them a good education. Their father does not think about these things. He is illiterate, but very proud. He thinks I am okay being here, cooking, washing, cleaning and taking care of him.
I need the courage to leave this miserable prison, but if I do I would not be able to send the children to school and I would not be able to get a good job. I want you to pray for me and my children's father. I know that he would not agree to counselling. I have tried many times to get help from relatives, but they only make promises.
S., St. Andrew
Dear S.,
You have written me a very good letter. I had to delete many paragraphs because of its length, but I believe that you letter would help other women to think and not fall into the same trap. I know you will get out of the hell in which you have found yourself. You will because you are ambitious and you are hard working.
You are only twenty six years old. You are not a fool. You realised early that this man wants to give you as many children as possible, but you were smart not to allow that to happen to you. He is trying his best to burden you down and to prevent you from getting an education. Don't allow him to succeed. Foolish men keep back their women from aspiring and realising their goals. Although your mother is poor, I am sure that if you were to get into the HEART programme or you were able to pay to go take certain subjects at evening classes, your mother would keep your children.
This man is talking about that you should go back to your mother. Perhaps that is what you ought to do. You ought not to allow him to treat you as a floor mat. Why can't you pay somebody to help you in the business? In that way, you will have some time to go to school and to rest etc. You are not a slave. And if this man thinks that you are one, you need to stand up for your rights. You may have to leave him if he is a stumbling block in your way. You are working too hard and you will probably get a nervous breakdown. Stop worrying about how you will support the children and look for every opportunity to get a career.
Pastor
