Tony HendriksTHE MORE I travel the more it seems to me that there are fewer differences between the English and Jamaicans, even between England and Jamaica, than there are striking similarities. The weather differs for sure but the people are far more similar than we realise and our problems are exactly the same!
Take the English weather. And you can, as far as I am concerned, take it that is, and not only take it, you can keep it, it sucks! Most of the time at any rate. But a good English summer is like a Jamaican winter, balmy during the day and nippy at night. When it's good, it sweet can't done! There are some grave similarities however when it comes to our livestock. The British are currently facing the greatest animal epidemic since Welsh rabbits died from mixing-their-toasties back in the seventies. The blight of the dreaded Foot & Mouth disease is now upon them. This is similar to the Jamaican Foot in Mouth Disease! Where daft politicians say something doltish then spend a month trying to deny it.
Our politics is similar too. In Britain socialists managed to change tradition so hereditary peers no longer sit in the House of Lords. The Upper House now has commoners. Now in Jamaica socialists have changed so much it is common to see one living like a Lord in a house in Upper St. Andrew. In England animal rights activists almost succeeded in stopping Fox Hunting. No more "Tally Ho!" But in Jamaica if you drive past the British High Commission in New Kingston, and take a "Ho" tally, you'll see there are more old foxes out hunting than there used to be.
England is suffering a Bovine Revolution, Mad Cow Disease! The cows get holes in their brains from eating too much cow meat. In a Sublime Revolution in Jamaica the PNP lost a by-election in St. Ann because they ate too much of their own bull and couldn't see all the holes in their plan. England has Mad Cow. Jamaica has Jerk Pork! With Mad Cow the infected animal loses all motor skills, its legs flail around and it moos like it has a hot poker up its rear. With Jerk Pork when the hot pepper lick you, you flail your arms in front of your mouth like a mute Apache then when your digestive system completes its task you feel like a hot poker is coming out of your rear.
English animals have Foot & Mouth. Jamaican people live Hand to Mouth and eat Foot & Mouth. We eat Cow Foot, Pig Mouth, whole Goat's head in Mannish Water. (I hope I never find a Man's head in Goatish Water!) We eat chicken neck, pigs trotters, ox tail, chicken claw, cow tongue, cow cod and that is no cock & bull! In the Far East they breed Puss and eat it. In Jamaica we breed it but deny eating it!
People believe Jamaicans are the total opposite of the English. We are down to earth, fun loving and uninhibited, while the English are aloof, stoic and reserved. If you believe that you've never met any working class Brits or Upper Middle Class Jamaicans! The truth is once you scratch the surface, you find people are very similar indeed. It's more about which class you come from than which country. One thing for certain, we're both World Champion complainers. We may have inherited this from our colonisers along with bureaucracy, flushing water closets and cricket or it may be something we cultivated ourselves. I don't know, it matters not we're both experts.
It's always great to hear people from other nations complain about the same things you carp on about back home. I was astounded in England the other day when a farmer, quite distressed at the slaughter of his animals declared, "I've had enough of this country! I'm leaving!" "What?" I cried to the telly "Where to, Jamaica?" It was funny hearing him say that in England! One of three countries Jamaicans escape to. It would have been even funnier if it had been an American. "God-damn! I've had enough of the USA! I want a visa so I can go to Jamaica!"
I've even heard the English complain about public transport. At least they have something to complain about! I must confess however it makes me mad when Britain instructs us from aloft. Such as the time we paid them money for guns to arm our Police Force and they had the audacity to say we couldn't have them because we'd harm our people. Yet they sell arms to Arabs, South Americans and Africans, claim responsibility for peace in Sierra Leone but refuse to acknowledge their original brutality and murder while empire building in Zimbabwe.
Britain treats Jamaica and other ex-colonies like an absentee mother who knows best. Now I understand this phenomenon better than most because just like Jamaica I too am the offspring of an English mother.
MOTHER: No you cannot have a gun!
CHILD: Why not?
MOTHER: Because you don't know how to behave! Look what you did to your sister, your own flesh and blood. You treat her badly, then you beat her.
CHILD: She misbehaved! I was disciplining her.
MOTHER: You stole from her. I gave you money to give to her and you kept it and spent it on yourself.
CHILD: I gave you my pocket money to buy something and you're keeping it.
MOTHER: You misbehaved! I am disciplining you.
CHILD: But you said I was old enough to go out on my own!
MOTHER: You don't seem to be able to survive on your own. You keep coming back for handouts. She who pays the piper calls the tune.
CHILD: I've had enough of you and your double standards. You don't like me because I'm adopted. You only treat me like this because I'm black!
MOTHER: Now don't be silly. It's not that, it's just that I'm bigger than you. If you did what I told you to do you could have anything you wanted. If not I shall make you stand in the naughty corner.
CHILD: I HATE YOU! I want my own things! When I grow up I'm going to get rid of you, become a republic and set up my own Court of Appeal. Then you won't be privy to anything I do!
So said so done! It worked for America! Maybe we should have a Boston Jerk Party! By the way I am glad Shaggy is number one in England & USA. But if I got caught shagging on the bathroom floor, getting freaky with the girl next door, I'd be happy to admit IT WAS ME!
Tony Hendriks can be reread at www.jamaicanpaleface.com or e-mailed and roundly chastised at JamaicanPaleface@aol.com. Copyright 2001 Tony Hendriks.
