Tony HendriksHOPEFULLY YOU all remember my lotto winning, world travelling, friend Freddy. Well, here's his latest.
APRIL 12, 2001, Morning, Lomdon, Eungland:
Dear Mr. Face,
I am now in The United Queendom, London to be exact. I always want to visit here because I have plenty relative in England. Queen name Elizabeth too and as me come from St. Elizabeth, is almost as like me relate too. Me casa a fi her casa and anytime she reach Junction me will find a place for here to stop and rest. What a way England different, everything old, Mr. Face. All some wall erect before them invent cement and still standing! Them have one causeway build by Irish giant. Me reckon him must mash some leper corn to build it because all giant me know drink like fish, sleep like dog and lazy like me no know what. Mr. Face, things so old them all have road make by Roman, Julian Seizure and them, and it still good, no pothole. I want know how come in this modern time we can't manage to build road like that in Jamaica? Dr. Davis create budget and get money out of stone but we can't build a road in less than four year? Maybe we should get Roman to build North Coast Highway instead of Korean. Rome never build in a day but me don't think it would a take them so long as it take to dig that road. Highway? More like highjack!
Them have old bridge cross river too. Big and last long. Ongle one bridge in Jamaica last so long, Flat Bridge. Why we don't build more like that? Another thing, everything big! Big Ben, House of Parliament and if you ever see the palace the Queen live into, it big so till you could a fit the whole of St. Elizabeth into it, never mind Queen Elizabeth. And right outside them have beggar. Yes! You did know white people beg? Them must mad to live out a door in this cold!? One come beg me. Me give him everything in me pocket a so frighten to see white people begging.
I frighten it might be a trick. If me never pay, police might report me and deport me. Me no want that so me pay.
Them have one prison call Tower, it more serious than GP. Never mind hang people, them chop off them head. One King, Henry The Hate have six wife and chop the whole a them. Him worse than George W. Bush when it come to executing. England strange, them have a doctor here who kill nuff old lady, yet Amnesty International go on bad bout police in Jamaica. Police supposed to shot man but doctor supposed to save life! If you check it out English kill just as much people in cold blood as them blame Adams for. Them have one bad police boy here too, name Bobby. Everybody afraid a Bobby. Him must be wicked like Laing, Ford and the whole a Trinity put together.
Mr. Face, you not going believe this but them have one train that run in the sewer. It name tube. It pitch black down there, them can't see nothing and them drive like lightening. Just like mini bus at night back home. Me even see one ductor me recognise from Half-Way-Tree a drive tube. People pack tube and could be going to Hell on Victoria Line for all them know. Still when you come up back fresh air sweet you see.
Me go Brixton. Is just like home but colder and house have upstairs. Ginnal and old thief right at station door like them greeting you but selling bandooloo ticket. Is like them is Satan helper tempting you as you leave Hell. But as you reach street level them have one preacher preaching right outside with a megaphone. Feel good to know as you climb steps from hades you can get salvation at the top. Stairway to heaven.
Place full of Jamaican. Amazing thing, them walking and sporting out in the rain! Yes. Me see it with my one eyes. The pound strong you see Mr. Face! Them have a thing call Black Cab. At first me think it was for black people but I remember Black Forest in German; nobody black not there. Anyway me ride in one. Imagine me one in a big old taxi with a white man a chauffeur me! Me love it so, me make him drive past Queen house, round Trafalgar Square three times, past South Africa house just so them can see black man with white chauffeur. Me know a-party done but me want make sure them no forget. Them have white taxi too. Long and thin with tinted window. Mr. Face, me could never spend so much money on big car, then tint window so no one can see me! If me want shade me will put on a sunglasses.
The English would dead if them never invent frying pan. Them love fry everything: sausage, egg, bacon, bread, fish, fish egg, fish cake, fish finger (you did know fish have finger?), steak, pork, tomato, chips, and one thing call black pudding. Black pudding shape like sausage, taste like when you chew bone but look like fry doggie do-do. Me panic! Maybe is a joke to turn me into cannibal. So I ask what inside black pudding, cause anyway me find out is black people in there me would a kill somebody, even if them did send me to Tower a London to get a head chop. Them tell me say is dried pig blood. That worse! Better me eat Junja Foot Kevin, Kimone and Aunt Maude more than pork.
Me have plenty more me want tell you bout England, Mr. Face, but right now me haffi go bathroom. Excuse. Your turly, Freddy.
Tony Hendriks can be reread at www.JamaicanPaleface.com or e-mailed and roundly chastised via JamaicanPaleface@aol.com Copyright 2001.TonyHendriks.
