Dear Pastor,
I am 33 years old and I have four children. All of them are for one man. We have been living together for 16 years. My baby father takes care of us and he loves his children very much. Sometimes he goes abroad to work and I am left alone with the children. Money is not really my problem, but sometimes I feel lonely.
I have a friend and he calls me often and sometimes I go to visit him. The first time I went to see him, nature took over and we had sex. I find myself loving this man very much. He calls the house often. My big son asked me why he is calling me so often, and I had to lie to him.
This man gives me more money than what the children's father sends for me. And now he is telling me that I should leave my children's father and come and live with him because he cannot do without me. I am confused. I am afraid that when my children's father comes, my oldest son will tell him about this man. He is very smart.
There is not a night that I do not talk to this man. Sometimes I cry when I think about the situation I am in. My children's father trusts me. I didn't mean to let him down, but loneliness was killing me and I got involved.
Please tell me what to do.
J.B., St. Andrew
Dear J.B.,
Very often when couples are separated from each other for long periods it is not unusual for them to become sexually involved with other persons. This is not to suggest that it is right to have extra-marital relationships. I am only stating a fact.
It is indeed unfortunate that you have gotten involved with this man, and that you find it difficult to stop. You are going to get yourself into serious trouble if your son tells his father that this man has been calling you often and that sometimes you go out. You may think that your son does not know that you visit this man. But he will suspect that there is where you are going. Remember, he is very intelligent.
Your children must be wondering where you are getting so much money from. They know that their father is not sending you so much money. You should stop taking this man's money and you should also stop calling him or visiting him. Don't allow this relationship to go any further. Change your telephone number if he does not stop calling you.
Your children's father has not done you any wrong. You shouldn't even entertain the thought of leaving him. This boyfriend of yours is going to destroy the good relationship your children's father and you have enjoyed over the years. He shouldn't even ask you to come and live with him. Sex is sweet, and that is all he wants from you. If you were to go and live with him when he gets tired of you he will run you out. And what would you do then?
I am in no way condemning you. You have made a mistake. Please encourage your children's father to return. In the meantime, find ways of occupying your time. Spend time with your children, play games with them etc. Stay home. You will not die if you do not see this man or have sex with him.
Pastor
Out of love with husband
Dear Pastor,
I have a problem and I hope you can help me. I was working with a certain gentleman in a certain company, but I lost my job. My husband came to my workplace and embarrassed me. He said I was having a relationship with one of my male co-workers. But that was a big lie.
This man is my supervisor and I had to report to him. We had a Christmas party and I took my husband with me. My supervisor asked me for a dance and my husband went on so badly, I was ashamed. I had to leave the party. He verbally attacked my supervisor about the way he was dancing with me. According to him we were having sex on the dance floor. That night on our way home my husband cursed me badly and when we got home, we had a fight.
I went to work and he never stopped calling and harassing the man until I was asked to resign. The thing is: I do not have any feelings now for my husband. Sometimes I do not want to see him. Whenever he touches me in bed, I pull away. Sometimes I yield to him because I do not want him to make noise and wake up the children.
Until now he does not believe me that this man and I did not have an intimate relationship. Whenever I do not have sex with him, he curses me and tells me that it's because I am having it with my man. I am fed up and stressed out. I need your help.
Please tell me what to do.
D.E., Kingston
Dear D.E.,
I suggest that you make an appointment for your husband and yourself to see a family counsellor. Try and save your marriage. Your husband is very jealous. You are fortunate that he did not break a fight at the party and embarrass you. In fact, he did embarrass you, but you were wise enough to leave before his stupid actions caused a fight.
Some men don't like their wives to dance with other men when they go to parties etc. There are some guys who like to dance closely to women, and some husbands can't deal with that, so they get upset. Sometimes they warn their wives not to dance with other men when they go out. Your husband felt that what the man was doing was rubbing himself on you, and to him that was dirty dancing. That is why he said you were having sex with him. Of course, that is foolishness. But jealousy can cause death, so please understand, unless you seek professional help for your husband and yourself, anything is likely to happen in the future.
Pastor.
Being used for sex
Dear Pastor,
I am 16-years-old and I have a boyfriend who is also 16. Both of us attend the same school. My problem is that he has never given me anything from the time we have been talking. All he wants from me is sex, sex, sex. I do not know why. He is the first man I had sex with. I like to go to church. He does not go to church. He likes to fool around other girls.
Sometimes he behaves as if he doesn't even see me or know that I exist. I do not know what to do with him. I have never cheated on him. I love him very much. I want to know what to do.
Initials and Parish Withheld.
Dear...,
This 16-year-old boy is playing the field. He is having sex with you and other girls, and if he does not use condoms he is likely to get you and other girls pregnant. Now that you know that all he is interested in is having sex with as many girls as he can, you should not continue the relationship with him. In fact, you would be doing yourself a great favour if you were to tell him that you would prefer to concentrate on your lessons.
What do you want him to give to you? You said that since both of you are friends he has not given you anything. Are you talking about money every week or occasional gifts? He is only 16 years old. Where would he get the money to buy you gifts or to give you money regularly? Why is that you girls are so hot? Why is it you feel that the moment you become friendly with a fellow, he should start supporting you? It is one of the reasons why guys take advantage of you. You are too lickie, lickie. And they feel that they can do just about anything to you because you are spending their money.
You like to go to church, but he is not interested in that. And he has so many girls that he can afford to ignore you. He is still a boy trying to behave as a man. So please do not go further with this boy. I repeat, he may get you pregnant. When a boy fools around so many girls, he does not always use condoms, so leave him alone.
Pastor.
