Tony DeyalALTHOUGH I am now known familiarly as the "Abominable Snoreman", few people realise that my sleep apnoea means that I am not getting enough sleep. I told my doctor that I was a light sleeper and he at first suggested that I should sleep in the dark. Then he recommended that I should try sleeping at the edge of the bed.
"Will it help me to sleep?" I asked.
"Of course," the doctor replied, "in no time at all you'll drop off."
When I saw him a week later, he asked, "Did you sleep good?"
"No," I replied. "I made a few mistakes." I admitted that although I still had problems sleeping, I finally was able to fall asleep. I then told my doctor about the strange dream I had. I dreamt that I was the only man in a nudist colony. "My goodness," replied the doctor. "Did you sleep well?" I told him that I tried but it was hard.
This is like the story about the man who visited his 80-year-old grandfather at the hospital. When the man asked the old man if he was sleeping well, the man replied, "I have absolutely no problem at all. I am sleeping like a baby, twelve solid hours every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. After that I go out like a light and sleep very peacefully."
The grandson was very puzzled and, although he thought that his grandfather might not have got the name of the medication right, was worried enough to go to the nurse in charge. He said apologetically and with a wry smile, "My grandfather said that you are giving him Viagra every night. I'm sure that's not the case."
The nurse looked him straight in the eye and said, "No, he's right. We are giving him Viagra. Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling off the bed."
In my case, rolling out of bed is the least of my worries. In fact, the Viagra might probably stick in my throat and give me a stiff neck in addition to my other sleep-related problems.
One old lady also had problems. She told her friend Mrs. Robertson, "I just don't know what to do. My husband beats me up each day." Mrs. Robertson was very concerned and said solicitously, "That's terrible." "Yes it is," said the lady. "I guess the best thing to do is to start setting the alarm."
Interestingly, there are some facts that are now emerging about sleep and sleep disorders that, like an alarm clock, can really open your eyes. There is a condition known as early sleep para-lysis that occurs in about 15-20 per cent of the population. While this is relatively harmless, there are others like narcolepsy (hallucinations, dreamlike experiences that occur as the individual is falling asleep or excessive daytime sleepiness) or epilepsy (brief period of altered consciousness). One wit added another to that list dietpepsy (excessive consumption of sugar-free beverages). Some people also experience "hypnagogic myoclonus" or sudden twitches, which are often preceded by a sensation of falling. While the cause of this is not clear, it is nothing to worry about.
Sleep apnoea, however, which affects several million people globally, is cause for major concern. Sometimes you stop breathing for periods up to 20 seconds. It is caused by a relaxation of the muscles that keep your airways open when you're awake. It is a normal condition for some people and may happen as many as ten times a night. Others, whose tongues or tonsils block their air passages causing "obstructive apnoea", can stop breathing as often as twice a minute or 1,000 times a night. You wake up every time apnoea occurs but generally go back to sleep almost immediately and remember nothing the next morning. Some people get severe morning headaches and other symptoms may include bedwetting.
Many of the cures are almost as bad as the illness and include getting a hole cut in your windpipe or the use of a tongue-restraining device that you wear while sleeping. In my case, one doctor prescribed trimming my "floppy" windpipe. With apnoea, at best you can get a very bad night's sleep and go through the day totally exhausted; at worst you stop breathing altogether. In my case, I prefer to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more. In the case of apnoea sufferers it might be about five hours more. What they require is support and tolerance, not isolation or ostracism.
One apnoea victim, forced by his wife to go to an early Mass, finally nodded off during a particularly long and boring sermon. The priest was totally disgusted and decided to make an example of the poor man. The priest then looked at the congregation and thundered, "All those who want to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole church stood up except the sleeping man.
Then the priest roared even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please get up." The sleep-deprived man had heard only the admonition to rise and groggily stood up only to find that he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he said, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it looks like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
Tony Deyal was last seen with dark shadows under his eyes asking, "What's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'?" He says you can always sleep with a light on.
