The burning game

Dear Pastor,

Greetings to you and your staff. I am writing with tears in my eyes. I am a professional and my husband works with the Government. We have been married for four years. To tell you the truth, I do not love my husband anymore. I made a big mistake when I married him. And now I find myself keeping another man with him, but he does not realize it.

Before I started having affairs, many nights I would lie down in my bed and want to have sex and my husband wouldn't even touch me. He comes in late and I used to fuss with him, but I don't anymore. When he was down and out I bought him a car. Now he is taking his woman everywhere in my car. We built our own home. It is a beautiful and comfortable house, and the children love it.

My husband drinks a lot and runs women. Sometimes he comes in so late, I have to leave his food on the stove for him to heat it up. And sometimes he does not even bother with the food. I try to keep everything down and not to let people know that I am having problems with him, but I can't keep it any longer because I am not in love with my husband anymore. I love my boyfriend more than my husband. I don't want you to tell me that I should stay with my husband.

I know some of his girlfriends. I heard that he has outside children. I want to tell my parents about the problem I am having, but I do not know how to do it because they were against the relationship in the first place. When I got married they were not enthusiastic, but they attended.

My husband is always broke, but my boyfriend doesn't think it hard to give me money. He opened an account in my name. I respect him but I am tired of my husband and I do not respect him. I need to get out of this relationship. I need a divorce. Nobody can tell me to stay with my husband. He must go his way and I go my own way.

I am not a bad woman, but if I stay with my husband he would drive me nuts. I am in my late thirties. I want to enjoy the rest of my life.

D.E., St. Andrew

Dear D.E.,

You have already made up your mind to leave your husband, so nothing I say would prevent you from doing so. I hope that you are not accusing him for things he is not guilty of. You want to get out of the relationship, so it is likely that you would look for all his faults and use them against him. Too bad that both of you have not thought it wise to seek professional help.

You have written not because you are seeking help. You want to say what is on your heart about this wicked husband who does not give you enough money. You want everybody to know that you are having an affair with a man who gives you money liberally. You are not concerned about your children and what may happen if you were to leave your matrimonial home. You prefer to gamble with your future.

I am not defending your husband. However, I am sure that if you had not become emotionally and sexually involved with another man, you would have been willing to seek professional help and try to resolve the problems that your husband and you are having. Surely, you are not a saint. You have your faults. Your husband is not a saint either. And if he has many women he is playing with his life and destroying his family life.

Pastor

Pounding jealousy

Dear Pastor,

Greetings. I am a 23-year-old young woman and I am in love with a man for over five years. He is 40 years old. He lives in England, but he comes to Jamaica every year and stays with me. He has another woman. But I do not care about her. He told me about her, but the way he said it, I did not believe that he was having sex with her. I thought they were just good friends.

One Friday he left the house and told me he was going to spend the weekend with some old friends of his. I did not say anything. I believed him. But I found out that he went to spend the time with this girl, and when he came back I was vexed. He admitted to me that it was at her place he stayed.

I love this man very much. He wants me to go to England, but I don't know what to do. I told him to choose either the girl or me. I am very jealous. He said I should not worry because he loves me and he wants me to have a baby for him. I do not want to have a baby now.

Please give me your fatherly advice.

T., Kingston

Dear T.,

Whenever this man comes to Jamaica he comes to visit you and he stays at your home. He has assured you that you are his number one woman, but he has not totally given up on the other girl. If he lied to you about spending a weekend with some of his old friends, when in truth and in fact, he was going to spend the weekend with this girl, his actions should make you wonder whether or not he has women in England. Of course, if you were to ask him that, he would try to bring down rain from heaven by assuring you that he does not have any women there.

You can't be sure what this man would do. You would be a big fool to agree to allow him to get you pregnant. If he is so much in love with you, he should marry you and take you to England to live with him. That is, if he is single. How do you know he is not married? You may think that I am telling you not to have confidence in your man, but that is not what I am doing. I am trying to get you to think.

Why is it this man has not offered to marry you? After all, both of you have been friends for five years. He is 40 years old. Why does he want you to become pregnant and have the responsibility of taking care of a child while he is free as a bird in England? That does not make sense to me. Don't make the English pounds blind your eyes. Think of your future.

Pastor

Oh tell me please about the birds and the bees!

Dear Pastor,

I am 22 years old and I have a problem that is killing me. I am a regular reader of your column. I started to have sex when I was 20 years old and since that time I have had sex 45 times. And whenever I have sex it is for about 30 minutes or less. I don't want to lose my boyfriend.

We are getting engaged in a couple of months and we need to have a baby. Is it true that my boyfriend and I would have to discharge at the same time for me to get pregnant? I have never discharged since I started having sex. Sometimes I find sex to be very painful.

Please answer my letter. God bless you.

J., St. Catherine

Dear J.,

I am glad that your boyfriend is planning to marry you. I suggest that both of you should go for counselling before you get married. I am sure that the counsellor would recommend some good books for you to read. You have asked me some questions that I have deleted. It is not that I do not want to answer them, but my column is read by little children and, teenagers as well as adults. And some of the questions that you have asked would cause me to say things that I do not believe little children should read.

In premarital counselling some of the things you have raised should be discussed between you, your boyfriend and the counsellor. I can tell you that a woman can become pregnant even if she does not experience orgasm, so there is no truth that a man and his woman must discharge simultaneously in order for her to become pregnant.

Pastor

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