A belly a day

Tony Deyal

NOW THAT few people are willing to consider politicians as role models, there is one model who is considering a political role. She is topless model Katie Price, a.k.a. Jordan, whose claims to fame include being the girlfriend of Trinidad and Tobago's soccer star, Dwight Yorke, and of having surgically-enhanced breasts, lips and legs.

According to one newspaper, her candidacy gave campaign excitement a boost. She also gives new meaning to the name of Dwight's club, 'Manchester' United or 'ManU', and to the basis of our own Parliamentary system, the Westminster Model.

Although one wit contends that when asked about her platform, Jordan looked down at her shoes, her campaign promises demonstrate that in spite of all the plastic surgery her heart is still in the right place.

Her slogan is, 'For a Bigger, Betta Future'. She promises free plastic surgery for all. She wants more nudist sites on beaches. Night-clubbers who drink too much would get a police escort to take them home instead of having to spend the night in a prison cell. There would be no parking tickets.

One newspaper has commented that she is trying to win the male vote by "grabbing them by their ballots."

Jordan's deposit of about US$710, which she is likely to lose, was put up by the Daily Star newspaper. Hugh Whitlow, deputy editor of the Star, commented, "She is a most glamorous woman and all the lads love her."

Talking about love and newspapers, on the same day the Jordan story appeared there was a curious letter from the husband of the female candidate contesting the post of Deputy Political Leader in the internal elections of Trinidad and Tobago's ruling party, the United National Congress.

Men with wives in politics must know their place. Denis Thatcher, husband of Margaret a.k.a. the Iron Lady, knew his better than most. When the Thatchers moved into 10 Downing Street, the official residence in London for Britain's Prime Ministers, a reporter asked Mr. Thatcher, "Who wears the pants in this house?" Denis answered quickly, "I do."

After a short pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, also falls into that category of male spouse. Visiting an Australian university during a royal tour in 1954, the Prince was introduced to a "Mr. and Dr. Robinson." "My wife is a doctor of philosophy," explained Mr. Robinson. "She is much more important than me." "Ah, yes," replied Prince Philip sympathetically. "We have that trouble in our family, too."

In this case, the husband of the female candidate wrote to a weekly newspaper commenting on the virtues of his wife as a candidate. Having stressed his wife's educational qualifications (many) compared to her opponents (few), he then said that his wife, "had more belly than all the men who have joined other candidates, since they cannot accept a woman is much better than them".

At first glance, and to the uninitiated, the possession of an abdominal protrusion, however induced or produced, whether by sloth or spirits of the alcoholic variety such as beer, or as the side effects of pills, should be no reason for boasts or comparisons. To them, 'mine is bigger than yours', would not hold either as an argument for bellies or for political primacy.

It is definitely not a campaign platform that will, so to speak, stand out. If you didn't know that 'belly' in this sense has a different meaning for Trinidadians than the mere physiological definition, you would vote for Jordan and get free plastic surgery for the individual concerned.

However, the use of the word 'belly' in this context, really means 'courage'. The proud husband, far from accusing his politician wife of corpulence, is commending her for what another Trinidad politician (male) described as "testicular fortitude".

This is not the first time that the gentleman has so nobly jumped to his wife's defence. During the General Elections campaign late last year, the lady found herself in the midst of a political brouhaha occasioned by her use of the word 'pipe'. The Minister of Public Utilities, with responsibility for the Water and Sewage Authority, who preceded her on the platform, introduced himself as the person who was dropping or putting down 'pipe' all over the place, including the lady's constituency.

Following his speech, the lady denied that any such event had occurred and, appealing to the other ladies in the audience for support, said that she had never seen the Minister's pipe. The only pipe she dealt with was her husband's. This immediately precipitated considerable national debate.

Her husband, a medical doctor by profession, jumped into the political fray to make the point that he managed the household pipe. In this regard, he showed as much 'belly' as he proudly insists his wife possesses.

The unfortunate post-script to this pipe incident came when, discussing the party elections with friends, one female friend said that she had originally supported the lady politician but when she saw a newspaper report which gave the impression that the lady was a smoker, she changed her mind. To which another friend (male) replied, "Poor lady. Trouble seems to follow her. If it's not pipe, it's cigarette."

Tony Deyal was last seen wondering if Dwight Yorke would publicly commend Jordan for her belly or what, and if she loses her deposit would he replace it?

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