A brief history of Jamaica THE HISTORY books claim Christopher Columbus discovered Jamaica back in 1494, but that's just not true. He was merely the first European tourist to come to our shores. He came EP, not All-Inclusive! But long before Columbus arrived Americans were coming here, real ones too. Natives of North, South & Central America. The Arawak, Taino and Carib Indians lived here and their cousins the Seminoles, Apache and Sioux visited regularly for Spring Break, Christmas and Thanksgiving Weekend. They would all get together, party and get red. Well, redder. They'd smoke good weed, drink strong juice and get as high as Hiawatha, then go looking for Navajo's. The Incas and Aztecs rarely came. They weren't welcome. For one because the Incas were in the same World Cup qualifying group as the Arawaks and the rivalry often spilled over into social events but also the Aztecs chewed coca leaves and preferred smoking crack to weed so their vibe was sly. The Carib Indians now, they were real bad boys. They smoked season spliff. Not nice! The herb got them mellow, the crack made them swoop. High, then plummet low to depths of vicious, paranoid and kill your mother. They threw the first fire bomb after the Arawaks thrashed the Incas 6-0 in a friendly game in Negril. The Caribs weren't even playing, "Dem jus' cold!" Still Jamaica was popular with the red man. The last of the Mohicans retired here. He kept quite a low profile though. Shame, because if we'd known what it would mean later we might have had a few casinos long before Christians came along to object. Columbus bucked up Jamaica when he ran out of water and starting bumping into land, first in 1492 when he hit the big bit, then again in 1494 when he got it right. The Indian population was soon wiped out. They either died of gut rot from too much Paella and bad Spanish plonk or they left because they were the first Jamaican homophobes. That's right. You see when Columbus landed he stayed for a year to fix his Caravels that were full of wood worm. (Yes, Columbus brought the first Chi-Chi to Jamaica!) Well the Arawaks noticed the white men wore frilly clothes, (which smelled bad in the heat), drank strong liquor, said "I love you man!", then wrestled with each other until they fell asleep or killed someone. The Arawaks wore grass skirts and the Spanish loved to chase them, lift the skirts, tickle their grass and shout "Ole!". The Arawaks were happy to smoke herb and fight off mosquitoes and the munchies but these boisterous amigos frightened them and drove them to despair. So what with the wood worm sounding like a warning they got from Cleo the Clairvoyant (who they loved watching on cable), the Arawaks concluded the Spaniards must be the Chi-Chi Men Cleo had talked about and paddled off. Henry Morgan Columbus continued to live on the hill overlooking Ochie but sent his kids to school in St. Jago because they were good at sports and closer to Kingston. The country was torn by centuries of conflict as a long line of conquerors struggled to gain power. The colonialists baton which started with Columbus and the Spanish even though he was Portuguese was then passed to Henry Morgan for the English even though he was Welsh. Morgan was a tough boss. He sacked Panama and Maracaibo and never paid them any redundancy. He was an evil, murderous, thieving, stink old pirate who the British decided they couldn't beat, so they made him Governor of Jamaica instead. Becoming a role model for Jamaican politicians and their cronies ever since. If Morgan was around today he would have had several lucrative government contracts to pave roads and build infrastructure in community developments. (TO BE CONTINUED...) Tony Hendriks can be reread at www.JamaicanPaleface.com or e-mailed and roundly chastised via JamaicanPaleface@aol.com
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