Uncertain about which man to stay with

Dear Pastor,

I am 18 years old and a student at a prominent high school. I am in a very difficult dilemma. I have two men in my life. My parents are from the country and they are in their forties. I have been living with a man from I was 14 years old, and that is because of financial difficulties and I wanted to stay in school.

At first this man told me that he had a baby mother who is living abroad, and they are not having an intimate relationship anymore. I believed him, but he was not speaking the truth. Her photographs are still hanging in his house, and whenever she is in Jamaica I have to leave his house. And when she leaves, I come home. My mother knows about this man. He is very wild and very handsome. And because he is like that I try to spite him by cheating on him. He has many children.

I do not want to spend my life with him. He has started to beat me. We sleep together and sometimes we do not talk to each other. Whenever I tell him I am going to visit my parents, he wants to accompany me. I have become a woman before experiencing adolescence. He does not allow me to go on trips or to parties.

About a year and a half ago, I met another guy. He does not have any children and he loves me very much. He gives me whatever I ask him for. He does not know about the guy I am living with. I am really glad for the help my boyfriend has given me, but I really love the new guy. He has all the qualities I was looking for in a man.

I am now sitting my CXC examinations and I want to be comfortable. I have to make a decision. I really do not know what to do. Somebody is going to get hurt. I just want to make the right decision. I do not want what happened to my mother to happen to me. I do not want to spend all my teenage years responsible for a man, such as wash, cook, clean and have sex with him.

Please help me to make the right choice. Should I stay with the man with whom I am living from I was 14 years old? Or should I go to my new boyfriend who wants to marry me?

Teenager, Manchester

Dear Teenager,

I am not surprised that your parents allowed you to go and live with a man when you were 14 years old. Some parents, especially mothers, believe that that is the only way out for their children. You wanted to continue to attend high school, so you were quite willing to become this man's lover and his slave. You are most fortunate that he has not gotten you pregnant. Of course, he was very careful not to do so.

As you said, you have become a woman even before experiencing adolescence. I am sure you mean that you have had to behave and do everything a woman would do because you have found yourself living in concubinage at age fourteen.

I am not surprised that you want to get out of this situation. It is a real shame that your parents couldn't have asked relatives and even friends to assist them in sending you to school. Surely, it would have been better to ask a retired teacher to allow you to live with her, and assist her around the house, instead of agreeing for you to live with a man and be abused by him.

Some folks may say that you have become ungrateful because this man has helped you for four years by sending you to school, giving you shelter and food, and now that you are about to graduate from high school, you are about to leave him. The truth is, he has used you and took advantage of you and your situation and his behaviour is disgraceful.

You have become involved with another man. You say that you love him. I suppose you do. I would however suggest that you go back to your parents home.

You need also a good education, but you should try and get a job and earn a little money for a year or two before you start college.

I wish you well. Let me hear from you again. Pastor.

Teenage lovers at odds

Dear Pastor,

I am a 17-year old girl who is in need of your advice. I have been friendly with a guy for a year and a half. He is also 17 years old. We had our problems. I used to visit him on weekends.

When I first met him, I played hard to get because I wanted to see if he was only lusting for me. I finally started loving him so much that I do not think that words can express my love for him. Both of us are deeply in love with each other. We only separated briefly, but that has caused a problem because after that short period I have noticed that his attitude changed towards me.

It is as if I am the last person he would want to speak to and see. What am I to do? I cannot think straight at all. Whenever I am speaking to him, he walks away. He does not look into my eyes and speak. I do not know what to do because I love him so much. It is driving me crazy. I am in need of your help, please.

N., St. Ann

Dear N.,

I believe you are trying to say that the attitude of your boyfriend changed after you had a short break in the relationship. I do not know what caused the cooling off, so to speak. You have not given a reason. Whatever might have caused both of you to take a break from each other has contributed to the strain on the relationship.

You say both of you are deeply in love with each other. However, the young man may be thinking that he is not in love with you as much as you believe. He may also have his eyes on somebody else, I do not know. He may be displeased about something he may not be willing to discuss with you at the moment.

You should not try to insist that he talks. Neither should you run after him as if he is a king. You should be calm and willing to communicate at anytime, but don't give him the impression that you will die if he does not speak to you. Pastor.

Concerned about deacons' wives

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. Time is running out, so I want to make everything right with my Lord before it is too late. There are two churches in my community and believe me, Pastor, I can't understand the deacons and members. The one I want to become a member of has more problems than the other.

Let me forget about the members and deal with the deacons. There are two deacons in the church, but their wives do not like to see other women speaking to them. One of the deacons married a woman who is much older than him. She has grandchildren. This man has not fathered any children. The ladies who are not members of the church treat him much better than his wife. His relatives do not like her at all, and they do not speak well of her. She should leave the man's house and go back to her relatives.

People say that she has tied the man to her, and they have tried everything to get him loosed from her, but nothing has worked. The wife of the other deacon said she is going to let the van her husband is driving overturn and kill the girls and him. She curses obscene language.

How can we worship with these people in the church I would love to be a member of? They should do better.

..., Manchester

Dear...,

You are a trouble maker. You do not like the wives of the deacons, so you are willing to malign them. If you knew the Lord and you felt that these women were not walking with the Lord, you would have been praying for them. You have dirty lips and a dirty heart, and that is why you have written this letter.

I am sure that these women have their faults, I have never met a perfect woman or man. People criticise each other. It is shameful to say things about another that you cannot substantiate.

To say that one of the wives tied her husband to her, is to accuse her of working obeah. You should be ashamed of yourself. How can you prove that?

I do not believe that you are speaking the truth. No way would a deacon's wife wish that her husband's vehicle would overturn and kill him and others. She would have to be crazy.

You say you want to be a member of this church. Let me say to you, make sure that you repent of your deeds before you join the church. And make sure you ask the Lord to help you to control your tongue. Pastor.

Upset over boyfriend kissing her friend

Dear Pastor,

I am a teenager and I am in love with a young man. I have been hearing that he has other women and every time I see him, and ask him about it, he tells me that he does not have any other girlfriend. However, one night I went to buy chicken and I saw him kissing another girl and when he saw me he acted as if what he was doing was nothing to worry about. The girl he was kissing is my friend.

Because of what I saw, we broke up, but he is always coming and trying to beg me to make it up with him. He said I am his first girlfriend. We were planning to have a child, but now I do not know what to do. Please give me your fatherly advice.

L.C., Kingston

Dear L.C.,

Your girlfriend likes this man with whom you have been going out. She knows that both of you were intimate friends, but she was willing and perhaps still willing to have an intimate relationship with him. He was willing to have her too. She is not a good friend. A good friend would have told him that she is not willing to come between him and you.

When you saw them kissing he behaved as if he did not care, he was simply giving the girl the impression that he prefers to be with her and to have her as his girlfriend.

On the other hand, he was probably so shocked, realising that you had caught him red-handed.

You shouldn't be willing to have a child. You do not have an education and your boyfriend is very irresponsible. Go back to school. Pastor.

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