Ready made scripts

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Me seh step dung inna de bus and mek ooonoo self equivalent.

Jennifer Keane-Dawes, Contributor

ME DEAR mam, when nuff yardie come a foreign come live, one a de tings dat always happen is dat we gravitate toward one anneda an talk bout nuff tings weh used to tek place a yard. An missis, de strange ting is dat while some a de said tings a tings weh used to mek wi cuss when we deh a yard, de said tings now come roun an warm wi heart like a cup a me granny hot chocolate tea when wi inna backra cowl country. Suh, as me an a group a foreign yardie was talkin de other day, we begin memba how wi people, fram politician to village lawyer, always hab a ready made answer dat crown all argiment. Yu eva notice? An some time when dem seh weh dem haffi seh, yu haffi wonder a weh dem get dem deh breed a wud fram. Like de wud dem das pass between some bus conducta an passenger weh him a holler to dem fe go dung inna de bus middle.

Ducta: "Oonoo step dung! Step dung! Hey, criss biskit ooman! Step forward suh de man side a yu can pass!"

De ooman: "Mi fava smady can dance ballerina? Weh part space deh fe put foot? Yu blinkin head fava Portland breadfruit!"

Ducta: "Yu nuh cyaan come roast mi?" Den him begin holler again. "Mi seh step dung inna de bus an mek oonoo self equivalent!" Now, weh equivalent haffi do wid bus middle? But by de time de wud come outta him mout, every man tun equivalent. Cause de bus middle cawk.

Now tek again a wife an husband a get ready fe ga church pon Sunday mawning. De wife she inna kitchen a grater de coconut, while at de said time a fry de chicken weh wi bun as yu seh who dat. Well, de husband inna de room a try fine him clothes fe wear. An den begin spin spin like smady a look fe weh dem nuh puddung.

"Pooncie," him holler out to de wife. "Weh me tie pin?"

Pooncie: "Look pon de neck tie weh yu wear lass week."

Two minutes later, a him dat again: "A which one mi did wear again?"

Pooncie, a try cut up de callaloo cause breakfast an dinner deh pon fire onetime. "De blue one wid de little stain dung a de bottom."

Two minutes later, a him dat again. "Pooncie, yu neva tek up de shoespalish?"

Pooncie, kine a a get bringle cause it look like de higgler ooman mix de peas. "A believe if yu look same place which part yu lef de brush, a believe yu might fine it."

One minute later, a him dat again: "Pooncie, yu si me stripe underpants?"

Pooncie mek one bark: "Me haby on! De Bible seh come as yu are. Suh galang achuch widout!"

Well argiment done, but not before him walk off wid fe him parting shot: "A muss hog a fe yu muma to rhatid!"

Suh, when dem finally get ready an a drive out fe ga church, Pooncie she tek up fe har seat side a him inna de car.

Pooncie: "Watch as y'a come out! A bicycle man a come."

Ivan quiet same way.

Cause him neva like how she hangle him. Him si de bicycle man fe himself.

An him neva really out fe deal wid dis back seat driver bisniss.

Pooncie, a mash brakes: "Ivan! Watch de bankin nuh man? Yu bline? An me seh watch de bicycle man!"

Nuh answer from Ivan. Suh she siddung up straight like de gear stick. "Slowdung nuh Ivan! An watch da truck deh. It look like it out fe stop! Dem yadays ya, yu cyaan too careful."

Ivan, bex till him waan buss: "Yu know weh yu do fe mi Pooncie? Shet yu moutan seh yu prayaz. Cause a have a feeling seh a dis mawning ya go home to glory!"

Suh missis, yu think fe wi people dem easy?

Jennifer Keane-Dawes is a communications professor and a talk show host in the Univeristy of North Carolina System.

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