Me & Mom

Mother/daughter relationships are probably the most complicated. Fraught with tension, heated with
challenges, but expanded
by love, mothers and daughters sometimes see more of
themselves in each other than they may want to.

Why I'm afraid for my daughter

MY DAUGHTER is 13 years old. Right now she's suspended between the state of childhood and womanhood.
In the last year she has started budding, her breasts rising ever so slightly and her hips becoming that teeny bit much rounder.

To me she's still a child. She's still more interested in playing with her little brothers and cousins than with makeup and, at the moment, boys (as far as dating goes) are still aliens. You can see the yuck forming on her lips when the subject comes up.

But when I watch her romping about on legs as long as stilts, I know that I'm not the only one watching her. I feel the wanton eyes of these men (or am I being paranoid?) roving over her body and I feel at a loss as to how I can protect her. She's so innocent.

Now, don't get me wrong. I want my daughter, when she's a few years older to date (with sex happening a few years after that) and I want her to enjoy healthy relationships with boys within her age range. What disturbs me is what seems to be a current trend in our society -- older men preying on young teens -- like my girl. Yes, I know some of these teenage girls are precocious and aggressive, but you know what, they're still children and the men are the adults in the situation.

Anyway, like just about everybody else I see and I know of some these little girl-older man liaisons. I recently observed a 14-year-old neighbour run in and change out of her uniform then run down the road to meet her taxi driver lover -- out of the sight of her father.

I wonder what these men do to entice these teenage girls. What sway do they have? Could they possibly use those charms to sway my daughter? Truth be known, I'm afraid she may become a teenage statistic -- a single mother at 14 or 15.

We've talked about this, and though she squirms she has listened. I do my best to provide her with what she needs, she is surrounded by a loving nurturing extended family. But so too is her friend Keisha who used to hang out at our house watching TV and playing with dolls. Now Keisha is into makeup, she has a boyfriend and doesn't get home until hours after school is out.

When I look into my daughter's eyes I see the promise of a bright future, but between then and now lie all these perverted individuals; the possibility of rape; bad company; and the glitter and glamour of a world that is not always kind and gentle.

I pray that the foundation I've tried to lay down is enough to fortify her into the future.

As told to Flair. This 36-year-old mother has asked that her name not be used.

June Charlton, 41

I AM a mother with a 16-year-old daughter who is very much a part of me.

I love my daughter and I trust her. I also believe in children knowing right from wrong because in so doing they will learn a sense of responsibility, knowing when to say yes or no.

Still, it scares me that older men these days can't keep their hands off young girls. These men are really like vultures preying on the teens in our country.

However, I am not afraid of my daughter being a teenager because she is strong, mature and responsible -- especially when it comes to men, and particularly those of low standards. She is not easily influenced not even by her peers. She is always the one giving advice to her friends and she stands by whatever she says and doesn't move.

She is so mature. I love that quality about her, I'd never change it. I can always rely on her for honesty. If she says she's going to a specific destination that's where she'll be. As a mother I allow her to make her own decisions. I am only there for guidance. I was a teenager myself, I know what it's like not to be able to have a choice, so I am speaking from experience.

I know that sometimes teenagers do wrong but sometimes we parents make mistakes too. I believe we can meet each other half way to come to a better understanding.

As a mother I am saying to other parents, be on the alert and look out for your teens. Listen when they talk so you can know what is happening in their lives and you will be a good parent by learning from them. Teenage girls are going through a lot nowadays so just be there for your girls and try to see through their eyes.

Last, but not least, pray for them.

Mom, you taught me well

"Pressures are forced upon me at times but because of your wise words: 'Don't be a
follower be a leader', I am not easily influenced by my peers."

IN OUR society parents, especially mothers, are worried about their teenage daughters everyday. I am aware of this because I'm 16 years old and I have a very "worried mom."

She's aware of the dangers I can face as a young girl especially when I'm not with her. Peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, illicit sex, unwanted pregnancy and theft are just some of the fears any mother would have for her teen daughter.

I, on the other hand have to decrease my mom's fears and remove her tears. I am assertive, not easily influenced by the temptations around me daily. My mother once told me that "a bad habit is easy to get into, but hard to get out of." This is a message I would like to pass on to every teen whose life is based on drugs and alcohol.

Mom, there is no need to worry about the decisions I make, nor the friends I keep. You have taught me well and I am now an example of your teachings. Pressures are forced upon me at times but because of your wise words: "Don't be a follower be a leader" I am not easily influenced by my peers.

I want to make you proud by becoming what you've always wanted me to become -- a lady.

Young ladies be an example of Grace and not Disgrace. Be assertive and think positive.

Shari Richards, 16

June

WHY SHE CHOSE THE PINK DRESS

I just looked at it and thought it looked like her and I thought that for a teen the dress would be perfect for formal wear. It isn't outrageous or anything.

WHY SHE CHOSE THOSE PANTS AND TOP

The pants are for casual wear and I put her in that to let other teens know that for casual wear they don't have to be exposed too much. They can look sexy but classy at the same time.

General comments: Teens don't have to dress outrageously to look sexy. People can see them whether they dress outrageously or not.

Sometimes teens wear some things and you wonder where there parents are.

Shari

WHY SHE CHOSE THE BLACK AND WHITE OUTFIT

It's a casual outfit. She should look like she's going out -- but not look too fussy, not like a teenager. She should look a mother. She looks modest in that outfit.

WHY SHE CHOSE THAT PANT SUIT

I didn't want her to feel old. But we shouldn't look the same either - we should look like mother and daughter. She looked young (in the pant suit) but at the same time modest.

Mother/ daughter confessions

So you used to be a hottie hottie - partying was your middle name. Now you're a mother and there are things about your teenage years you'd prefer if your daughter didn't know.

Flair got a number of women in the Corporate Area to confess about some of the things they'd never tell their daughters.

Most were somewhat cagey and shy but they 'fessed up with everything from the bizarre to the outrageous.

10 THINGS YOU WOULDN'T TELL YOUR DAUGHTER

1. I had sex when I was 13

2. I stole out of my mother's house to go to go-go clubs at nights.

3. I stole from my parents.

4. I've had sex with more men than I can remember.

5. When I was 14 I spent the day with my boyfriend after my mother sent me to school.

6. I smoked ganja for the fun of it when I was nine.

7. I took a bus and went all over the country, even to as far as Portland while my parents were at work.

8. My dad beat me senseless when I was 13.

9. When I was nine I fooled around with my neighbour. I was naked and we were alone at home.

10. I wet my bed up to age 10.

10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER TELL YOUR MOTHER

1. I am not a virgin and I go to clubs.

2. Sometimes I sneak out.

3. I have a boyfriend

4. I am having sex

5. I missed a period, I went to my boyfriend's house

6. I got a tattoo (after three years she still doesn't know even though we live in the same house)

7. I'm planning to move out, I'd never tell her about my boyfriend problems

8. I never tell her real things like the details of my first relationship, boyfriends or the first kiss I had.

9. I wouldn't tell her about my skipping classes

10. Nothing to do with money, I wouldn't tell her about my salary.

­ Compiled by Naomi Francis and Glenda Anderson

My grandmother had rules for everything

From as long as I can remember my relationship with my mother was different from what I saw between my friends and their mothers. It is the most comprehensible insanity that I know of. There was constant reversal of roles between us.

(My mother fully understood the concept of simply being a guide and allowing her child to make decisions for him or her self, too well if you ask me.) I literally beseeched my mother for structure, but in vain.

All the disciplining came from my paternal grandmother. It seemed this was her sole purpose in life. She gave me enough rules in a couple of minutes to last a lifetime. So you can imagine my trauma having lived with her for eight years of my life. She gave me rules about how to eat, sleep, walk, stand, sit, speak and about everything else that one does daily.

Yet it is strange that she never tried to inculcate any aspect of her belief system in me. The most she did was to wake me every Sunday morning to attend church. Just maybe that was the most important value she could have taught me about morality and the creation of a belief system. She sent me to places where I could only get good values.

From all the teachings of school, church and my involvement in extra circular activities, I created my own system of morality. That has been more effective for me because my values resoundingly echoed the acquiescence of my being. They were not my mother's or grandmother's, but mine. If acted contrary to them I would maybe disappoint my mother, break my grandmother's heart but I would definitely crucify my spirit.

Therefore all my guardians' fears of my life being ruined by the same costly mistakes they made, I do not see those materialising in my life. Irresponsible sex, drugs, and alcohol have no place in my life. Then again probably they taught me a lot the values I have, not verbally as the norm but through their example. I was taught through example and that is even more effective.

-Trishanna Francis, 18

Thanks to grandma's strictness, I'm alright

Parties, dances, clubs or any form of nightlife didn't exist in my (earlier) teenage life (except when I lied about where I was going). Neither did short skirts/dresses and pants.

How come? Because I was denied entry into my father's matrimonial home and mom wasn't financially capable of raising me. So I grew up with my father's mother who believed that until I reached 21 she was my guide and protector.

It was grandma's way of showing how scared she was for me, hence she tried to shield me from a world which she saw as dangerous for teens.

She tried to hide every possible thing that was 'dangerous' from me. Movies on television and even some publications. Grandma even prohibited me from using the telephone, mainly because I wasn't responsible enough to 'keep off' the conniving and convincing men.

I WAS SCARED TOO

Little did she know that the same things that worried her -- the men, the bad company, poor grades -- also scared me. I was determined not to allow those things to happen and therefore became more focused on how I could achieve a good grade point average at school.

I decided that I wanted to be a good example and to make a difference. I took part in most of the extra-curricular activities that were within my bounds -- drama, speech, key clubs. You name it, I was in it.

Church also played a vital role in my life. It is one of the main reasons why I have kept level-headed although I often objected to going. It's a good thing that I was sent because the Sunday school teachings and church services have taught me the true meaning of life -- making me the tolerant and responsible individual I am now.

So now as I launch out on my own, I say thanks to grandma. I've grown into adulthood with strength, intelligence and moral teachings to assist me in making right decisions -- to hang with the best of friends, avoid drugs, and choose the most suitable partner.

-Shelly-Ann Thompson, 20

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