Tormented over abortions Dear Pastor,
I have a problem that is getting me down and I would like your advice. When I was in my early teens I got pregnant. My mother did not want me to carry the child, and the boy who got me pregnant was a bad man in the area. He was always getting into trouble with the police. One day he and I were talking and we had sex and I got pregnant.
When I told him I was pregnant and my mother did not want me to carry the baby, he started to curse my mother. He said she wanted to destroy his youth. My mother said she was going to report him to the police. After I told him what my mother said, he told me I can have the abortion but he did not have any money to give me. My mother's boyfriend gave her the money for me to do the abortion.
The man who got me pregnant told his friends what happened and everybody in the community had it to say that I throw away belly. I couldn't walk the streets for a while. I got pregnant again when I was eighteen and this time it was for a distant cousin. I had another abortion because I couldn't stand the shame. We still love each other very much, but it was a mistake when he got me pregnant.
Everytime I remember that I had two abortions I worry a lot. Sometimes I see the man who first got me pregnant. He is always telling me that I am going to be his wife. But my mother said not over her dead body that would happen.
Please tell me what to do. Sometimes I think my mother is too much in my life. Thanks for reading my letter.
E.M., St. Catherine
Dear E.M.,
I am sorry to know that you are tormented over the pregnancies you terminated. You are a human being and you have a conscience and you will always remember what you have done. I will not condemn you. You did not write me because you want to be scolded. You have written because you want help. You cannot bring back your pregnancies, but you can avoid getting pregnant out of wedlock. And if in the future you become pregnant, you do not have to have another abortion.
Although many people speak about abortion as if it is the solution to every woman who does not want to have a child, people like you know that it is not always easy to live with the thought that you have had an abortion, and in a real sense you have terminated a life. What I can assure you is that any woman who feels tormented should spend much time in prayer and should also seek therapy. I mean, she should seek the help of a psychologist or a family counsellor.
Concerning the first man who got you pregnant, it is evident that he did not care much about you. He was more concerned about becoming a father. Your age did not mean much to him. Your happiness was secondary. He never tried to protect you. He brought shame on your name, and your mother's name. I am surprised that you would even entertain his stupid comment about wanting you to be his wife.
Why did you have to get sexually involved with your cousin? You have brought problems on yourself. You need to keep away from your cousin. Both of you should not have sex. It is time for you to turn over your life to God. I urge you to make an appointment to see a counsellor.
Your mother has made mistakes, but I am sure she loves you. She is correct in telling you not to have anything to do with that bad man.
Pastor
Boyfriend sleeping with neighbour
Dear Pastor,
I would like you to help me with this problem. I was working with some people, but they went abroad so I am staying with my boyfriend. When I came here I did not know that he had a girl who is living on the other side of the house and they used to sleep together sometimes. This girl has a boyfriend who works most times at nights, and sometimes when he is not there she and my boyfriend used to sleep. From the very first day I came here, she started to show me bad face, but I did not know why.
After two weeks she carried news to my boyfriend about me. She told him that I took man into his house and both of us were locked up in there all day. My boyfriend did not tell me who told him, but I knew she was the only person who would do that because nobody around here is accustomed to me. I asked her about it and she cursed me off. She told me she is going to run me out of here.
My boyfriend confessed everything to me. He told me he used to give her money, but since I am here he told her that he has to take care of me, so that is why she wants to run me. I am not leaving and I do not like war. If she brings fight to me, I will fight her because I am from Clarendon and Clarendon women are not easy.
Please put her name in the paper.
B.L., St. Andrew
Dear B.L.,
We will not mention her name in the paper, but we will urge you to be careful. Do not get into any fights. Try your best to live in peace. You know you are not guilty of what was said about you, so do not allow that to cause you to worry. Your boyfriend does not believe what he was told.
He has to be careful. He should not have encouraged this woman to sleep with him while her man was at work. He was playing with his life. I hope he settles down now with you.
Pastor
16-year-old with a serious problem
Dear Pastor,
I am a sixteen year old Christian boy with a serious problem. I am very shy and nervous. I am afraid to have eye contact with other people, even my own relatives. I hardly talk to people. Very often I speak only when I am spoken to. I am even nervous when I am talking to people, even to my own relatives.
Most times, if not all the time, when people talk to me, my mouth starts to tremble and I am not aware of it. One of my classmates mocked me about it once. When people mock me I feel very guilty, ashamed and sad. Sometimes I come home and cry. I am afraid of singing when anyone is around. I am even afraid to take off my shirt when anyone is around. I do not know what I would do if I went to the beach.
I also have problems with my voice. Everyday I get ridiculed about the way I talk. They say I talk as if something is in my throat. I always have cold in my throat and have to be clearing my throat all the time. I don't know if that is the reason I talk this way. I can't even shout as loud as I used to. When I was younger I could shout very loud. Now no one can hear me when I call from a distance. Sometimes they can hardly hear me and they ridicule me.
When I talk to people they have to ask me to repeat what I said. I have to travel on the bus to and from school. The drivers cannot hear me whenever I try to stop the bus. Now I have to be sitting in the seat behind the driver for him to hear me when it is time for me to get off the bus.
People also laugh at me and say I walk like a robot. They say I walk straight and do not even shake a little. If you have any advice about my walking, please tell me. I have only a few friends and would like to make some more. Because of my shyness, I do not socialise. I walk by myself at school. Please tell me how I can overcome my shyness, nervousness and make friends.
There is one particular boy in my class who I have strong feelings for and really want him to be my friend. I would want to have a relationship with him. I want him to be my best friend. I get very jealous and downhearted when I see him walking, talking and laughing with his friends. It may sound crazy to you, but that is the way I feel. My shyness and nervousness are also preventing my from participating in church activities. When I have to stand in front of the church and say anything I begin to feel nervous and my heart begins to beat faster.
I don't know what is going to become of me. I become confused and scared when I think about my future. Sometimes I wonder how I will get a job, walk on the streets and if any girl would ever be interested in me. Sometimes I wonder if I am a normal person.
Please tell me what to do and how to solve these problems. I would really appreciate it and I would never forget it. I can't continue to live like this.
L., St. Ann
Dear L.,
You recognise that you have some emotional and physical problems. In my opinion, you need to see an ear and throat specialist. I therefore suggest that you ask your parents or guardians to give you money to see your family doctor who would in turn refer you to a specialist. You have every right to be concerned about your problems. I am afraid if you do not seek medical attention now, your condition may worsen.
I do not know why you are so nervous, but I am sure that you can receive help. Your condition is indeed affecting you. It has affected your self-esteem. You yearn for friendship, but you are afraid that people would continue to reject you and laugh at you.
Someone has to help you overcome these problems that you are having. Someone has to show you love and accept you as you are and work with you. Members of your church should do everything in their power to help you. You should feel at home in your church. The Christians are expected to show you love. Your pastor and officers of the church should do everything to make you realise that you are God's child and that God loves you and would accept you as you are. They should also help you to overcome your weaknesses and limitations. If you can't find love among God's people, where else would you turn?
I want you to go to your pastor and tell him exactly what you have told me and ask him for help. If your parents or guardians do not have the money to send you to the doctor, the church should stand the cost or raise the money to send you.
After you have spoken to your pastor, parents/guardians and you have been to see the doctor, please write to me again. I will be praying for you. In spite of your condition, God loves you. Do not fight for others to accept you. If you do, and you are rejected, you would suffer depression. Keep on serving the Lord. God's people would recognise that you are doing your best. Mature Christians would never laugh at you. We will be praying for you.
Pastor
|
