I am attracted to a co-worker

Q: I have a serious boyfriend. He is pretty busy with work these days, but we are very active together both socially and sexually. Meanwhile, though, I have had a mutual attraction with a man at work for almost a year, and lately it is becoming very difficult to keep from acting on it. How can I be in love with my boyfriend and feel so strongly about another man? And how can I fight the temptation to cheat?

A: Even though you report being active socially and sexually with your boyfriend, it sounds as if something may be missing on some other level. If all your hungers were fully satiated at home, you wouldn't find yourself so tempted in the workplace.

You say you find yourself strongly attracted to another man even though you're sure you love your boyfriend. Attractions to others are normal and fairly common. However, the fear that you may actually act on these urges is not something to be ignored.

Having a mutual attraction with someone is usually far different than the daily grind, hard work and up-close-and-personal nature of an ongoing, committed relationship. You can fantasise about being with the new person sexually without the wear and tear of living together or regular daily contact.

You can idealise the man at work and hang on to the fantasy that he won't have any habits that will annoy you. He will always put the cap back on the toothpaste and the toilet seat down.

It is worth considering whether your feelings about your co-worker are part of a pattern in which you find yourself generally fantasising about men outside your primary relationship.

This is sometimes hard to admit to yourself, but can be crystal clear to those close to you. Ask your friends, and if they have noticed this tendency, you have to consider whether you have problems with commitment or even a need to sabotage good situations in your life.

Another possibility is that you are feeling emotional distance in your relationship with your boyfriend; fantasising and flirting with your co-worker is filling that emotional void.

Ask yourself a few questions and be honest with the answers.

Do you have negative thoughts about your boyfriend that you are withholding from him? Not sharing such concerns with your partner can create emotional distance.

Do you feel close emotionally in your lovemaking? A sexual relationship does not automatically evoke intimacy and passion. In fact, such strong feelings often arouse anxiety and the natural tendency is to move away from, rather than toward, them.

Do you allow yourself to feel some dependency on your boyfriend? It sounds like you keep him at arm's length emotionally in certain ways, even though you feel like you're in love with him.

Your primary relationship may have evolved to a point where each of you needs to commit to push through anxieties about growing closer emotionally.

Ironically, this can be the place where a relationship both has the most potential for growth and at the same time can be most vulnerable to affairs. The fact that you are tempted to cheat may be a sign that you are suffering 'intimacy anxiety'.

What's your advice on marrying a divorcee?

Hi Rev,

I would like your opinion on this pertinent issue. My boyfriend and I have been together for a while and we are best friends and have a great relationship all round. We are both Christians.

Recently we have been thinking about getting married but we are concerned about "living in sin" if we should get married seeing that he is divorced. He is in his early thirties and I in my late twenties.

I know that God dislikes divorce, but from a human standpoint (not that I am contradicting what God says), it seems a bit unfair and rather difficult I believe, for someone who has been divorced because of irreconcilable differences, to be alone for the rest of their life.

Being human, that person is likely to meet someone else and want to get married again. I believe that God is a forgiving God, but I don't want to be presumptuous. What would you advice? In closing, I just want to say thanks for your time and may the Lord continue to bless you as you seek to help others.

Good day.

Friend

Dear friend:

As far as several Church officials are concerned, there should be no grounds under which divorce should take place. However, the Bible does permit divorce on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness (Matt 19 : 9.) However, for me, marital unfaithfulness must connote more than infidelity, as there are other ways in which one can be unfaithful to his/her marriage; for example, spousal abuse. This of course is debatable.

However, a verse which I think permits divorce and remarriage is verses 11 & 12 of the same Matthew 19. Having been asked by His disciples if it is not better to remarry if there is unfaithfulness, Jesus declares that it is dependent on the individual. He says "The one who can accept this should accept it." (NIV) This says to me that if you are unable to stay single after divorce and not sin, then you should re-marry. For me however, the key thing has to do with how we interpret marital unfaithfulness.

I would say, if you love each other, and your boyfriend has detached himself totally from his ex-wife, then there is no reason why he should not remarry. Not becoming married may cause you both to fall into sin, and I am sure God does not desire that for you both. In addition, we speak of the Grace of God, which means an unmerited favour which God grants unto undeserving humankind.

I find it hard to think therefore that we serve a God who is so graceless that He would sin you for becoming married again. After all, He does give you the desires of your heart, based on his Word.

Congratulations and all the best.

Rev.

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