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Cover story - Empty nests
Avia Ustanny, Freelance Writer
THE SUDDEN silence in homes from which children after being underfoot for 18 years and more have departed, is a deep one. At this time of year, many parents find themselves suffering from the empty nest syndrome, going into 'mourning' as their children are no longer around. Their sadness is real. When their child, such a large chunk of their reason for being, decides to move out of the home, or go off to school, who will need them (the parents) now? Whose demands will they fill? With the children no longer underfoot, boredom, and frequently sorrow, sets in. Mrs. Joy Crooks, mother of children aged 21, 19 and 18, told Outlook that her sons' departure for school in England was "very emotional, very heart breaking, heart rending". They left right after high school, at ages 15, 16 and 17 to attend university in their country of birth. "It was like the reverse of the first day of nursery school (now, she was the one who cried)," she remembers. "The only difference was that, with nursery school I was looking forward to picking them up. This time, I remember standing at the airport and watching the plane. Even when it took off, I could not leave. Without any control the tears poured from my eyes. My husband was just lost for words -- he just went quiet." At home, "At first, the house felt like it was no longer a home, it felt empty. The familiar sounds were gone. It echoed back. It took me quite a while to rearrange their rooms." Regular contact between these parents and the boys eased the pain somewhat. "Fortunately they were able to keep in contact," Mrs. Crooks said. "I speak with them regularly... I need to know if they are eating well, sleeping well and how were they making friends, how they are finding their way around the different challenges they face." She was also concerned about what they would wear in winter. "I had to ensure that they were wearing appropriate clothing and paying the bills so they would not get disconnected," she adds. The boys rose to the task of living on their own with surprising speed. "In some ways I was quite surprised at the speed with which they adapted," their mother comments. "They proved to me that they did not need as much help as I thought. They adapted into a culture which they had left for at least 10 years. All are attending university; one does engineering and the other are two doing communication and business studies. "One of the things I used to comfort myself, for their own sake, is that, in my opinion, they are now able to use the best opportunity to develop for the future," their mother said.
DR. RUTH DOORBAR, clinical psychologist, states that the departure of children from the home triggers a deep anxiety in their parents or caregivers. "Most parents do live vicariously through their children. Each and every activity is one in which the parents participate psychologically. When they are gone there is a big hole. "If the family is a large one and just one child has left, it's not so bad, but if the house is really devoid of young people for the first time ever, the parents becomes very depressed, lonely and even tearful. They are worried also about how children will cope, especially they worry about drug involvement in the United States and they hope that their counselling and direction will guide them through the rough waters of the unknown. "Usually," she said, "it is the mother who experiences the greater loss because she is the nurturing parent and the one who spends more contact hours with the children. The man is often out of the house working." Some parents suffer from feelings mixed feelings. "Usually the feeling of parents are ambivalent. They are thinking:- But, with all this, they still miss the children when they go. With children who are going off to university, there is the excitement of plans finding scholarship, tuition, living arrangements, clothes and sports equipment, and then all of a sudden, the house is quiet and empty they are gone. "The plan for weekly phone calls just is not enough," Dr. Doorbar said. "Emails can make up a little but where are they at breakfast, dinner time. There can be no more checking on night time home coming time. The house seems large, vacuous empty, and ultimately very sad. The emptiness is not just about the house, it's emptiness in spirit. There is emotional emptiness." The psychologist said that parents need to get busy and fill that time with friends, activities even new activities. Possibilities include service organisations, horticultural or environment groups, and even political groups. Plans should also be made for the children's return visits. This will give parents something to look forward to. "Don't sit around," she advises.
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