Bottles of misery

Dear Pastor,

I am a mother and I met and married a man who told me that he was in love with me. We are both heading to become senior citizens. We have been married for about 30 years.

This man does not go to church. His church is the bottle. The only good thing about his drinking is that he does not go to the rum bar. He drinks his liquor at home, especially on weekends. He does not have a good relationship with his children. He does not talk to them unless he has to.

Whenever we have an argument, he says that I put up the children against him. He stopped sleeping with me. He sleeps in the living room. Whenever he comes into the bedroom at nights, it is only for sex and then he goes back in the living room. I know my big children know when we are having sex. They are not stupid. When he is not drunk, he is very quiet, and sometimes when he is drunk, he forces me to have sex with him. If I object, he would make noise and I do not want to feel embarrassed before my children.

I am tired of this man's behaviour. He refuses to assist the children to go to University. He told my two daughters that they are old enough to have men, so they should have men to support them. The girls hate him for that.

I do everything for him, but he does not seem to appreciate it. If I go anywhere, he accuses me of going out to look for my man. I am so fed up. My children are telling me that I should divorce him. The house is built on my parent's land. I want to live a good life, but I don't want to start life all over again.

Initials Withheld,

St. James

Dear ..,

You have lived many years with this man. I wouldn't encourage you to seek a divorce now. Your children are growing up. They may soon be in the position to take you out of the situation in which you have found yourself. Very often children take their mothers or their fathers to live with them because they are very unhappy of their situation at home. Your husband made a big mistake when he told his daughters that they should go and look for men to support them. A good father would weigh his words and wouldn't tell his daughters to do that. In fact, a good father would spend the last cent he has to support his daughters and do everything in his power to protect them.

I hope that it was just rum talk. On the other hand, it might not be. A man is not drunk everyday of his life. I repeat, I would not encourage you to divorce him. If he does not come to his senses, he would fall on his own face. Do not do anything to pull him down further. He has nothing. The house is yours, and whatever you have belongs to your children. Remember, this man is the father of your children and although he does not go to church, one of these days he may turn over his life to the Lord. If that should happen, peace will come to your house. In the meantime, pray for him.

Pastor

Driving me to tears

Dear Pastor,

I am a young lady and I am living with my boyfriend. I trusted him very much and I love him. Recently I found out that he has another woman and she is not living very far from me. This woman could be his mother. She has two children.

One night my boyfriend drove her car and went to a wake. When he came back, he did not sleep with me. He slept with her. He came in at 6 a.m. the Sunday morning. I pretended that I was sleeping, but I wasn't. Then he got sick and started to vomit. When I asked him what happened to him, he told me he ate something that went against him.

He is all over the place with the woman's car and he is not taking me anywhere. My father talked to him and asked him what is going on between the woman and him. He told my father that the woman pays him to drive her car. People told me that they are friends. Both of them have something going. Everyday I am crying because I love my boyfriend very much, and right now I am pregnant.

T., St. Catherine

Dear T.,

You say you trusted this man, but now you have found out that he is having an intimate relationship with an older woman. Are you sure your friends are telling you the truth? This is a country where people are quick to accuse others of having affairs, so you should be very slow to believe what you hear.

Please understand that I am not saying that he is having

or not having an intimate relationship with the woman. I do not know. You are not sure either. You should call a family conference which should include your parents and this man and discuss the matter freely. Your father did the right thing by asking your boyfriend what is really going on between the lady and himself. You are carrying his child, so you have a right to know whether or not he has got involved with another woman.

If the woman is paying him for driving her car, then he ought to bring home some money to you. Are you getting any money from him? Do not do anything stupid. Do not verbally attack this woman. You are not sure what is going on. Play it cool.

Pastor

Double jeopardy

Dear Pastor,

I am having some problems. I met a man who wanted to have a relationship with me. After a while, I entered into a friendship with him. I respected him and he respected me. I was one of the happiest women in the world. I was looking forward to the day when he would ask me to marry him. He said he had another girlfriend, but they broke up. One day he told me that he wanted to talk to me about something. I thought he was going to propose to me, but I was wrong. He shocked me by telling me that he is married to the same woman he told me that he was no longer with. I do not know how I survived that moment. His wife was abroad and when she came he had no time for me. His wife is filing for him, so he does not care about me anymore. I think it is better for me to die than to live right now. I do not believe I can ever trust another man in my life. My relatives believe that he was single. Life is so unfair. Please pray for me because I do not feel like I should live anymore. I have faith in God and I am sure He will help me.

Depressed, St. Catherine

Dear Depressed,

I know it is easy for you to blame yourself, but please do not do so. Comfort yourself with the thought that most men are liars, and when some men are determined to have relationships with trusting girls like you and others, it is not easy to detect that they are lying.

You believe that you had found a man who would marry you. You gave the relationship your best shot. It is indeed a pity that this man fooled you. He is cruel. However, there is a God in heaven who will handle the situation for you.

I want to tell you that I am getting many letters that are similar to yours. These guys have their women living in America and while they are waiting for these women to come to Jamaica and marry them, they get involved with other women in Jamaica. They tell the women who are living in Jamaica a bag of lies, build up their expectations and drop them like hot bread when their women are visiting Jamaica or when they come to marry them. Many of them try to return to the women after their marriage or when their women have gone back to the United States of America. I am sorry to hear that you feel that life is useless to you because of what this man has done to you. Believe me, lady, life is precious. It may take many months for you to overcome your depression, but you will. You may find it necessary to sit with a counsellor, but please, perish the thought of hurting yourself. You believe in God. He will help you.

Pastor

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU? WRITE TO DEAR PASTOR, DR. AARON DUMAS, P.O. BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. FOR PERSONAL REPLIES PLEASE INCLUDE A STAMPED, SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE. TELEPHONE 929-1667/8

Back to Star Page