Tony Hendricks, Contributor
IT HAS been incontrovertibly confirmed, the CIA is a bunch of animals! If the cat is anything to go by, that is.
A recently declassified document released from the Science & Technology Directorate of the Central Intelligence Agency revealed the CIA tried to use a cat as a spy.
That's right, puss! They didn't train Spy Puss to kick like Jackie Chan and roll around in Death Alley, shooting pop up targets or swing from ropes and leap from helicopters like Lara Croft.
What they did was implant a microphone, transmitter and antennae in Spy Puss's belly and tail. The idea being that Spy Puss would sidle incognito up to a couple of Soviet agents engaged in espionage talk, stop, lick his paws and allow the men parked in the van to eavesdrop via the hair waves.
Now any idiot who has ever tried to get a cat to do anything other than its own intent which is eat, sleep, lick, purr, crap, hunt mice and lizards knows that no self-respecting puss, not even a stray with incredibly low self-esteem can be made to do anything to the contrary.
Worse yet, the thought of a cat in a trench coat with the collar turned up, a pair of sunglasses and a wide-brimmed hat pulled down over its face is ridiculous.
Everyone knows cats wear leather and listen to jazz. But the CIA persisted.
Painful
Using specific signals (electric shocks) they would persuade (torture) Spy Puss to move in any direction they wanted.
This was horrendously painful for the poor cat, making him move in spastic jerks and change direction in mid step, looking like an over-saturated crack head.
An agent with a crew cut dragging a reel of cotton in the direction of the enemy would have been a better bet, any playful kitty would be happy to follow although I concede that this might have given the game away.
Still, the experiment continued with the oft-operated on operative - Spy Puss was put into action. However the plan choked at the first fur ball as our hero was run over by a taxi while crossing the road.
The stupid thing about this is that any normal cat in control of its own movements rather than guided by a human would probably not have crossed a road in traffic and even if it had it probably would have avoided the taxi, losing only a small amount of dignity, a few tail hairs but only one life!
Maybe poor old Spy Puss couldn't take any more and committed hari-kitty.
CIA and biotechnology
It makes one wonder whether the most arrogant and sinister of America's covert agencies has ever actually succeeded with any remote controlled bio-techno device.
It's certainly much easier to understand and accept the election of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney if you take into consideration that they're only partly responsible for their actions.
If this is the case, clearly the experiment with Spy Puss taught the CIA they should never make the same mistake again and use an animal with a will of its own, too much intelligence or the ability to choose its own friends.
That's not a problem with Bush. Dick Cheney has of course had a retooling operation for his implants as the originals became obsolete.
Bill Clinton is also excused for his behaviour when you know he had some dodgy equipment.
The fact it was bent is well-documented and we know it kept popping up and down willy-nilly. Monica Lewinsky was probably only doing a repair job and Kenneth Starr tried to fix him good till Janet Reno oscillated.
Semi-automatic politicians
I'm intrigued as to how many of our politicians are semi-automatic and what type of electronic devices they're fitted with?
One thing I know for certain is whatever they tried do to P. J. backfired. Foggy has piano parts and has gone to Washington for tuning.
Omar had an adding machine in his brain but unfortunately it chipped out some time back. Peter Phillips is a Disco.
Knight is a security system that never worked and is out of service now. Maxine Henry-Wilson is a stuck record that keeps repeating over and over and over and over again.
Edward Seaga is an antique that I'm not sure you can still get parts for or if he's even roadworthy anymore.
As for the other Labourites, Audley short-circuited and Delroy chucked away the instructions.
The Jamaican Secret Service should use donkeys for spying. Fit microphones in their big ears that twitch back and forth for perfect receptors while an extra long antenna could be planted somewhere else. The only drawback is the donkey would bray whenever it was extended rendering the tool useless.
Tony Hendriks can be reread at www.JamaicanPaleface.com or e-mailed and roundly chastised via JamaicanPaleface@aol.com.
