Tony Hendricks, ContributorFIRST impressions are the most important but did you know that if you play music to babies while they're still in the womb they recognise the same music up to a year after they are born?
Theory being that your choice of music will influence your baby's life. If you play classical music to a foetus you'll end up with a nerd, but if you play dancehall music you'll get a gunman.
On that basis if you play the classical dancehall medley by Chalice you'll end up with a nerd who is armed and dangerous.
It never ceases to amaze me what sponges kids are. Teach them something one day they'll spout right back at you the next.
Personally I love teaching children to swear. That's what uncles are for. It's best if you get them while they're between one and two as they're still very impressionable then. They want to learn and seldom get into trouble as their parents are convinced it must be their fault that junior is swearing.
My nephew is my star pupil. I taught him several words and phrases, most of which will not be read here, but his tour de force was delivered while sitting in his pushchair. Once the perfect situation had presented itself, I'd sidle up to a policeman, nudge my nephew, who would look up at the officer and say in his best screw face: "Babylon!"
The astonished policeman would stare at my cherubic nephew, not knowing what to say.
Doubt and confusion flicking across his face, he'd question if he had heard correctly and look up at me. With a nod of my head I would give an oblivious smile then pushing my little verbal terrorist away, the eyes of the policeman fixed on us, the little tyke would look around the back of his chair, fix the copper with a steely glare and add as his parting shot: "Informer!"
This may well have added to the suicidal feelings some cops have felt in Jamaica recently and I apologise on my nephew's behalf if this is so, but this mindless diversion provided us with hours of fun, in several different languages with the constabularies of the United States, England, France and Spain.
Encouraging 'hooray"
Kids are a constant source of entertainment, one minute they're innocent, the next fearless, but once you show them a trick they seldom let it rest.
We've all done some inane trick we'd planned to do once only to hear "Again!"
Whenever I see a kid fall over I shout "Hooray!" If you always rush to them saying, "Hush, my poor little goat!" they'll cry at the slightest little thing from then on.
Shout "Hooray!" and they believe they've done a good thing and laugh. Even if they're bleeding or broken a limb, a quick "Hooray!" in the right place works a treat. When my niece falls over we always shout "Hooray!"
She's 35, wears thick glasses and walks backwards due to many hours spent table dancing in strip clubs before the ganja and rum took their toll, but that fact just makes it much more fun. She bumps into stuff all the time these days.
We've been cheering her for so long it's gotten a bit tedious now. It's got to the point where a simple scrape is not enough anymore so she has bigger and bigger falls, off higher and higher objects, to get more and more attention and louder and louder reactions. It's part of coming from a showbiz family.
Last year, she jumped off the roof of the house, which was hysterical. She got a huge "Hooray!" from us and the ambulance wailing was a real treat for her as they carted her off to hospital. She's recovered now but still loves to leap in front of buses.
That's always a nice surprise for us but a terrible shock for the bus driver and passengers. Still it's well worth it if only for the sound effects. Screech! Whump! Tinkle! "Hooray!"
Her coup de grace was having sneaked on board a cruise ship in Ocho Rios harbour she bungee-jumped, with no bungee cord, over the side, resulting in the ship's foghorn being blown, two lifeboats being lowered, numerous jet skis and a helicopter circling, a Para-sailor hanging above, looking down for any sign of her, the Jamaica Coast Guard searching for hours for a boat to use in the rescue as they didn't have one and all the crew and passengers of the ship flashing cameras and shooting video footage of her leap into the foam and staying fixed there for hours on end, waiting for her to surface.
All that time she'd swum to the other side of the ship and been picked up by a fisherman in a getaway canoe. Not bad for someone who only just learned to include the vowels when saying "Give me your money or I'll cut you!"
Tony Hendriks can be reread at www.JamaicanPaleface.com or e-mail and roundly chastised via JamaicanPaleface@aol.com
