By Rosemary Parkinson, ContributorI HAVE DRIVEN past Ristorante Portofino on Hillcrest Avenue, St. Andrew, so many times, imagining the gastronomic thrills of mouth-watering Italian sauces on pasta; mozzarella, parmesan; Italian bread -- hmmm, mama mia. But now -- now I wish I had continued to do exactly that -- drive past. This is the first time I am almost ashamed to be a candid food reviewer. Hopefully I will encourage the powers that be at this restaurant (which has great potential) to seriously improve or (dear me) give over this beautiful spot to someone who can provide Kingston with a much needed excellent Italian eatery.
Ristorante Portofino is set in a charming oldie but goldie Kingston house -- lots of my favourite greenery, an incredible bar, indoor/outdoor dining with just the right amount of ground lighting and twinkling trees. It's a lover's paradise --- until you eat -- then it becomes a place where even Cupid would shoot himself in the stomach with his arrow.
We were four ladies intent on a rip-roaring 'last-night' for a dear friend returning to London (hope you've recovered Heather). It was a Friday night and I purposely had left pen, paper and camera at home -- this was to be a night of Italian food, Italian wine -- and then -- the nightlife of Kingston. Dance a little, party a lot. Hello! We had the best of intentions.
We sat at the bar and were welcomed warmly by the bartender who tried his very best to satisfy our 'wine' palate. We finally settled (not thrillingly) for a bottle of Argentinean Cabernet Sauvignon 1995. After the usual bar girl-talk, our table was ready and I can tell you that by this time, all of us were positively starving. Our waitress, Althea, was very sweet and in fact, on thinking about it, brilliant -- her job cannot be an easy one.
I had actually been quite prepared to leave all our complaints on the table until this particular incident: Having ordered Cotoletto Di Vitello Alla Parmiggiana at J$850 (breaded veal topped with tomato sauce, mozzarella and parmesan cheese served with pasta), I got what tasted like KFC in a canned tomato sauce. El Chefo had not only insisted that it was indeed veal (even after I sent him a sample), but went further. To make his point -- a cacophony, caused by pots and pans being hurled through the depths of the kitchens (typical mad Italian) was accompanied by the resounding roar: "She doubt mi food!!!" (There went my mad Italian Chef theory) echoed through the grounds. At this point a serious chat with management was indeed the order of the night. This took several requests as a television programme seemed ultimately far more interesting -- could it have been 'Can't Cook. Wont' Cook and definitely Shouldn't Cook'?
Finally, much explanations later, but getting nowhere fast, I voiced the following operatta to the manager to best describe our evening (menu opened in front of me). Please use an Italian
fortissimo soprano when
reading:
"Mi amore -- let me quickly run you through de evening meal, course by course. I begin with de Appetisers -- two Signorinas had the Mussels -- by the way between ju and me --- my friend -- steamed in tomatoes, garlic and herd in white wine? At Portofino you steam de herds??!!" Then in a whisper: "The unbelievable bad spelling and grammar on your menu is really too much, you know. And the Mussels -- should they not be in your Appetisers section instead of under Salads/Soups? Signore, dese Mussels were smothered to death in a suicidal sauce -- one plate had six shells and the other 10. You let four escape?. Ju know, I strangled de Portofino dish -- a combination of cheese it says right here. Would that be Cheddar and Cheese, Cheese and Cheddar? My friend, (pointing across the table) la bella, she's de lucky one of us all -- ju know, she smoked a cigarette as her Appetiser."
TAKE IN A DEEP BREATH HERE
AND CONTINUE IN JAMAICAN
"The main dishes -- your chef has insisted that young cow is young fowl and this was brought home to us in no uncertain terms with his new brand of chaotic loud 'kitchen-hall' accompanied by colourful lyrics. Actually Mr. Manager -- in Vino Veritas -- I do doubt the chef's food. The Filetto Mignon (Beef fillet) at J$850 was excellent -- you say you use local beef -- thank God for that bit of flavour because, in all honesty, the 'cream' sauce was a tasteless bechamel (flour and milk) with two lonely mushrooms. And as for the Fettucine Alfredo -- I would be a yard-fowl's uncle if I saw any seafood in dat. Frankly, Sah, all your tomato sauces appear to be of the canned nature and if they are not, then that's a career for your Chef -- he has that canned taste down pat. We do thank you for your patience, your explanations, your excuses, your hopes and dreams for the future. And we do wish you de best. Multo Gracio for the offer of another glass of vino and we are happy you have desserts -- but -- we must have the bill and -- Volare Oh Oh Oh, Cantate Oh Oh Oh so Arriverderci Roma."
THE BILL
With the 'fowl-veal' (a pun intended) complimentary (the chef finally admitted it was chicken) we paid a whopping J$1,965 each. It would have been (a total of ) J$8,700 otherwise for three bad appetisers, four bad main courses and two bottles of not-so-great wine. Six glasses of Argentinean Merlot costs $1,500 and the bottle $1,800??? Hello???
LITTLE MENU NOTES
'Fettucine Alfredo served with a white wine sauce with seafood' has no price. We paid $1,200. Underneath there is a Seafood Pasta with Shrimp, Lobster & fish sautéed in white wine and cream sauce at $1,000. Run this by me again? I just don't get it. Then there are meats, seafoods, prawns, capers and a selection of fresh vegetables...Oh! Yes!
I have since made my usual little rounds of enquiries from other discerning Kingston diners. The consensus? Portofino is not for food just the ambience. Ambience at that price?
Not dis lady -- No Sah.
Rosemary (author Culinaria: The Caribbean) & friends abandoned their disastrous evening and formed a group called Herd. Their hit "Pass di chicken 'pun di leff' han' side" is heard in all Italian kitchens across Kingston.
