(About 90 per cent of persons who commit suicide suffer from clinical depression and other mental disorders).
THESE DAYS things have changed. In the mornings I don't want to get up and go to work. What I really feel like doing is pulling the sheets over my head and go back to bed. I have to force myself to get up and drag myself out of the bed. I have the same feeling about going to work. When I think about the day ahead I want to run away but I have to go to work so I reach.
I have not been doing so well at work either, I am wondering how long I will be able to hold this job, or if I'm doing as well at this job as I should. It is difficult to concentrate and my memory is not too hot. Sometimes I can't remember what happened five minutes ago. I sit down and I look at the work, and I know that it needs to be done, but I just can't muster up the energy to tackle it. My desk is full of things to be done and even when I try to do them, I don't do them as well as I would like.
As time goes by the same work takes more energy, and takes a longer time. I am even leaving important things undone. I have also been using up my sick leave, some days I just can't make it.
Having a hard time sleeping at nights, sometimes I fall asleep but by one o'clock I am wide awake and can't fall back asleep. I hear everything happening outside and just lie there waiting until it's morning. At about five o'clock I fall asleep and then by the time you look around it is time to get up. Sometimes I make it to work, other times I don't.
Also sometimes I just can't get to sleep, and have to take a shot of liquor to fall asleep. I wake up again early anyway and the next morning with the way my head feels, I just can't make it to work and have to call in sick.
And it's not only the work I am having problems with, at home the usual things I use to love to do I don't feel like doing them anymore. I just don't have the energy, I feel tired all the time even the smallest task makes me very tired.
When my friends drop by, I don't want to see them. I pretend that I am not at home and don't answer the door. I don't keep the house tidy like I used to, I don't enjoy watching TV like I used to.
And as for sex, I don't feel for it that much at all. It's hard to get in the mood. It's so bad these days, that I am wondering what am I living for. Sometimes I even feel like I want to die, mind you I don't have any specific plan but sometimes I think about taking pills or walking in front of a car. I just don't care anymore.
Also not enjoying my food as I used to. I am turned off by food completely. I have forced myself to eat. The clothes been getting big for me.
When I wake up at nights I think about the things that happen from way back in my life. I just feel sad and vexed. All the things I could have done differently but didn't do, that would have made my life better. All the things that people did to me that changed my life.
I have also been spending a lot of time at the doctor because I have all sorts of "stomach" problems, backache, headache, light-headedness, "limbs feel heavy". The doctors have done all sorts of blood tests, urine tests and X-rays but they can't find exactly what is wrong. I even got a CT scan.
I just feel down in the dumps. I have been giving my friends all sorts of excuses why I don't go out with them. I am also not as neat I don't look as I used to. Also I have great difficulty in tackling anything new. I just have lost my will power to make decisions. I am just hanging in there and I am not sure how long I can do this.
