DOES SHE really expect me to spend ALL my time with her? Does he really think I am going to tell him how I spend ALL my money?
They quarrel on their way to bed, and long before daybreak, she is banging pots and pans in the kitchen and singing fit to break glass. He, trying to sleep, wakes to find a cold spot where he thinks she really ought to be.
Not many days into their new relationship, men and women who share the experience of living together in or out of marriage will soon smell a flavoured brew that they have never sampled before. Label it dissonance, or call it growing pains there are few who will escape a generous serving.
For those getting married later in their lives, the worse the experience may be. As the years go by so do their fears and the reality of dissonance increase. This week we take a guided tour of that neck of the woods called living together, and look at some of the fallen logs, grass snakes and other stumbling blocks which can cause those new to the territory to frequently fall and fail.
Our consultant psychologist, Dr. Barry Davidson, says that stumbling blocks range from money, through sex, religion to communication.
Pre-marital counselling, he advises, will prepare for them, but cautions that maturity is also needed. High levels of tolerance are needed for the toilet seat that is never closed and for the man whose knowledge about sex is rated illiterate.
Both men and women must be willing to compromise. Should couples try living together before marriage in order to prepare themselves for the long haul? It may not be the best solution, our experts also advise.
Silly or Serious?
THERAPISTS NOTE that silly or serious, none of the fears about living together should be dismissed out of hand. Many are far from trivial, such as the question of finance over which many marriages fail.
Dr. Barry Davidson, family psychologist, suggests that all couples require pre-marital counselling because "the person you are courting/dating is not the same person you will be living with. People mask their feelings in order to get at the desired goal. Courtship is a male mask relating to a female mask. With marriage the real male and the real female emerge and each say to the other I did not bargain for you. Two real people for the first time are getting to know each other and this will require a lot of tolerance.
Otherwise, the emerging stressors will cause you to get into the fight or flight mode with either partner quarrelling or threatening to leave. Regardless of the best pre-marital counselling, a lot of tolerance will have to be exercised. Note the following:
1. Man and women are coming from two different families of origin and each has a different idea of how a family is run. Your script is different from your partner's script. What is required, then, is maturity and the ability to say we are from A and B but we will create a C-script for our family. This involves give and take and resolving conflict by agreeing to disagree. And, it takes a tremendous amount of responsibility. That's why marriage is not for children.
2. Communication is not just what is said, but what is heard and understood. Ask 'what did you hear me say?' The message sent is not necessarily the message received. Even silence is communication. Communication involves verbals and non-verbals. A husband who locks himself away because he wants space may have his action interpreted as anger. He needs to communicate effectively to prevent discord.
3. Finances are a frequent source of conflict. If you are accustomed to spending your own money and making your own decisions, you are faced with the challenge of considering someone else. The attitude My money is mine and our money is also mine, or one partner being a spendthrift while the other wants to save is problematic. Premarital counselling should discuss such issues as pooling money; the need for a budget and attitudes towards borrowing.
4. Sex is another major problem area for those who have just started a life together. People enter marriage very illiterate about sex and men are the most guilty. They do not read, yet there is so much to know. One of the things that has to be communicated is the principle about giving and not just getting, otherwise, somebody is going to feel taken for granted, used and get frustrated. Men and women need to realise that there are differences in sexuality between them. If both are committed to give, they will both end up getting.
5. Religion. This can either pull you together or apart. If the couple is a mix of a Christian and a non-Christian this will be a problem as will the combination of Sabbath and non-Sabbath, Jehovah's Witness and Pentecostal. Perhaps a middle ground can be found, but be aware that children could later be pulled apart.
6. Meeting each other's needs should be done on a 50-50 basis. What makes marriage really get going in the early stages is the approach and attitude that it is about giving not getting. Ask yourself frequently, "What can I do to make a partner fulfilled. Selfishness and self-centredness are very inimical to any relationship."
0THE FEARS...
What do you dread most about living with a woman or man?
Linval Levy, 38: "What I find most annoying is that women feel you have to be at home all the time or close to that. I need my own space. You are with your friends and they are thinking that you should be at home sharing quality time. That is clinging."
Denise McKenzie, 35: "I've not actually 'lived' with a man. I have what you would call a 'visiting relationship' where my partner only spends a maximum three continuous days at my house. It's not that he would not want to stay, but I love my space and probably that's what I dread losing, thus the 'visiting'.
"When we started 'living' together, I think what surprised me most was that all the time we were dating it never occurred to me that he always wore two boxers. Imagine how shocked I was when in anticipation of seeing 'the promised land' after pulling off one, I was left staring at a bulge covered in another! Thank God he has stopped!"
Sharon Leach, 42: "My dread: They want you to pick up after them, serve and wait on them hand and foot. Most are messy, plus when the mystery is gone they'll start doing things like belching in front of you etc.
"I'm also afraid that they'll be careless with money and that I might find myself filling in too many of the gaps financially."
David Thame, 27: "The worst thing about women is that they argue all the time. Early in the relationship there are certain things which never use to bother them. Now you go and play football on Saturdays and you come home late and they are complaining all the time. The best thing about a live-in is that you can get sex whenever you want."
Leroy Wright, 41: "Maybe I am being idealistic, but I have no fears about getting married. I think a good relationship challenges you to grow. A good relationship will help you to get rid of your old hang-ups. It is one in which you can be yourself. I look forward to companionship,
good conversation and shared experiences."
Sandy Stephenson, 25: "I stayed with my boyfriend for three months and I didn't really mind it. We both did things that annoyed each other he brushes his teeth around his house and I leave the toilet lid up among other things. But when we have a disagreement I can't sleep until it is resolved. We had to compromise and respect each other's space and feelings something that I learned to do each day."
Pauline Towers: "I was afraid that I would not be able to go to the bathroom and do number two when he was there. I used to think that I would only do it when he is not there or go to my mother's house to do it. I used to be afraid of exposing him to my morning breath. I planned to get up at three and wash my mouth and go back to bed. I used to be afraid that he would notice the dimples in my bottom and dislike them. You grow up and a lot of these fears disappear. You realise that this is you and that he will have to accept you as you are.
"We are both sloppy people. I worry about the potential mess that our shared space will become. He has promised to wash the dishes if I cook.
"Where money is concerned I always imagine having enough of my own to do whatever I want to do. I haven't told him but I believe that men should give women money. We have tentatively discussed a ration system where we pay expenses proportionately - according to what we earn."
