Tony Hendriks, Contributor
THE Winter Olympics are here again and with them comes a reminder of how close America and Jamaica are.
Utah landed the games after vast bribes, scandalous amounts of corruption and huge sums of money, piled higher than the snow-capped peaks of the Rocky Mountains, had changed hands in order to secure the games.
Jamaica on the other hand is now known for the huge mountains of snow-like substance that pass through our shores, earning vast sums of money for a few, perpetuating corruption of the grandest order. A substance that can get you higher than any ski slope, but will also plummet you to depths of despair faster than a fat lady slides downhill on a luge.
Comparisons
Comparisons don't end there. The Olympics are in Salt Lake City, half the time Jamaica salt. Jamaica is warm country, Utah is a dry state. Mormons hail from Utah but come to Jamaica for the rest of their cycle.
At one time, Mormons were a sect who believed in bigamy. Not the tribe of small people who live in Congo, the ritual of marrying more than one woman at a time. I think it's safe to say that there are many Jamaican men who favour a version of this practice.
Not to actually have all those wives at home, living in one place but rather many wife-like ladies in different homes, all ready with stew peas and rice, fricassee chicken and gravy, a smile and open arms.
Many official World Land Speed Records are broken by specialised cars on the Salt Lake. It is safe to say that many more unofficial land speed records are set and broken by ordinary robot taxis right here in Jamaica between Spanish Town and Ochie or Negril and Kingston.
Utah also hosts the Sundance Independent Film Festival where movies like Dancehall Queen, Third World Cop get a chance to be shown with a view to a distribution deal being done with the big boys so they can stop being so damn independent. Salt Lake never tasted so sweet as when Carlene, the Dancehall Queen, wined her charms at the premier of her namesake.
It'd be nice if we could do well in the bobsled, the sport we made cool in the movie Cool Runnings. We should take the lead from them and enter other winter sports. There are so many more we could do well at. What about a Jamaican figure skating team?
Jamaica women have the best figure in the world. Imagine that on ice. You always see Russians, Chinese, Canadians and Americans ice dancing but what new dance have they given the world in recent times?
Jamaica, on the other hand, has given several. Imagine a couple doing the Butterfly on Ice! Can the Russians do the Triple Bogle? Can the Chinese do the Della Move?
Put a pole in the centre of the ice, our girls could wind round it. Then just by doing the Butterfly moves they'd be propelled backwards around the rink.
Commentators
I can hear the commentator now: "All competitors must do the technical routine where certain set moves and disciplines have to be executed to gain maximum points. These points carry over into the freestyle section where style and artistic interpretation are judged."
As the first couple skate out onto the rink you can hear the shock in the commentator's voice. "Um, ah, yes, well, first up we have the Jamaican pair of Delbert Parchment and Shellanne Smykle. Delbert is wearing a rather striking outfit best described as a black and white rawhide cowboy suit with silver pistols in holsters but it's his partner Shellanne who really catches the eye. She has on ah, well barely on, a rather skimpy pair of rawhide shorts -- Oh my! The back is even skimpier than the front. Well fancy that."
A thumping dancehall beat begins. "They're off, the routine not the shorts. The first move is a very high difficult triple axle and Delbert draws out his pistols and shoots the ice, drags a lump of metal and sticks it upright in the middle of the rink. It's an axle all right, from a 1976 Ford Cortina. Shellanne grabs it and gyrates her hips in fantastic fashion. Now she's on all fours with her bottom sticking up in the air and Delbert is behind her. It's more like a rodeo! I wonder how long he'll stay on? Now Shellanne has leaped on Delbert and is riding him at the waist. Delbert flings Shellanne; she spins at least six times and lands perfectly balanced on those strong thighs. I've never seen anything quite like it! The crowd is going crazy!"
Finally the moment of truth. "Now here come the judges' scores, six point oh, 6.0, 6.0, 6.0, 6.0, 6.0, 6.0! It's unanimous! Delbert fires his pistols into the air. What a fantastic pair! Shellanne I mean, not Delbert."
Tony Hendriks can be reread at www.JamaicanPaleface.com or e-mailed and roundly chastised via JamaicanPaleface@aol.com.
