- Michael SloleyZeta Jackson looks fondly on the photograph of her husband who is now dead.
Avia Ustanny, Freelance Writer
HER THICKENED voice is the sound of pain entombed. Tears make her eyes gleam as Zeta Jackson remembers her husband and the relationship that died with him. The reason, she says, why she has never took another man after him is simple. He, Mr. Jackson, never had life easy. Life for the father of her 10 children was brutish and hard. And it was short. In memory of him, no other man will live softly with her, even though that might make her life easier.
Zeta has established a shrine in her heart, grief at his early death turning the organ into a marbled throne where his memories are engraved.
The end of relationships, whether through death or divorce can leave us changed forever. Yet, the experts say that we are not as helpless in the face of grief as we think. It is up to us to choose which path - recovery or bitterness we will take.
Divorce, not death, is Conroy Black's (not his real name) trouble. The man is contemplating murder. His estranged wife is now dragging him through the divorce courts, suing for alimony and for a division of property although she has lived abroad for years and has not contributed to the mortgage, nor the finances of the home. And, this is not her first attempt to "torture" him, the man says.
A few months after he left the matrimonial home she dragged him before a judge on assault charges.
With no evidence of same, the case was thrown out. Now she is back again at it, and this time she seems likely to succeed. Black is furious when he is advised of this. "Somebody is going to die," he says.
When relationships end, how can you effectively cope with the grief and trauma without hurting yourself, or the object of love/hate? This is what we discuss this week with a marital counsellor.
Should we create shrines to despair or bitterness, or should we find a way to lance the wound and let in the healing air?
The Fresh Start programme
FRESH START is an initiative of Family Life Ministries, a group created by and for individuals who are experiencing the pain of divorce, separation or spousal death. Started in 1999, the group meets for mutual support, sharing and mutual care of one another, as they go through the process of grief caused by separation or death. Reflecting together, they develop skills which will help them to recover.
Monthly meetings see members in turn making presentations in which they share the most intimate details about their loss. The very personal reflections are a means of letting go of old disappointments, hatreds and an invitation to fresh perspectives from those who listen. "We are committed to share and bound by trust and confidentiality," one group member told Outlook. "Members feel free to share their most intimate experiences because anonymity is promised. No one tells tales outside."
The group, surprisingly, is made up of equal numbers of men and women.
Significant progress has been made, we are told, among those who have availed themselves of this therapeutic alternative. In two years of sharing, one member has remarried and several others are in dating relationships and enjoying them. Others have become more accepting of single-hood and their wholeness as single individuals.
Dead or alive?
IS DEATH a better deal than divorce? Those whose partners leave by way of death are afforded closure. There is no living evidence of their "failure". Separated partners sometimes feel that the end of their relationship says that their life has not been successful.
The issues are complex ones. What we do not for certain is that, with divorce, the grieving may be worse than if the partner had died. Grief begins with denial, says marriage therapist, Trevor Edwards.
They (the separated) often start blaming God and everyone who may have contributed. The desire for the departed may also recur, and people enter into bargains with God, promising to change their behaviours if He brings them back together again, or if He allows the dying spouse to live. Death and divorce both bring depression, but with divorce also may come a loss of self-esteem and a feeling of worthlessness or failure.
Physically, depression may be reflected in a shabby appearance, in uncombed hair and in shoes which are not clean.
It is up to those who are affected, says our marriage therapist, to realise that though the relationship may be dead, they themselves are still alive. They must steel themselves for the task of climbing the slippery slope back to emotional health. It will take time to accept your single status and to begin to be civil towards your partner. Not only is the change required an attitudinal, but several deliberate and active steps must be followed.
You, the affected, must seek independence again, not only emotionally, but also financially and socially. Only then will you begin to grow. Couples will have to deal with the legal issues associated with custody rights, with a division of property and adjusting to a single salary. They will also have to deal with not seeing your children as often, if you have not received custody of them. A distancing between your offspring and yourself may be a direct consequence of divorce. Remember that they need counselling too, as you yourself do.
