By Avia Ustanny, Freelance Writer
THERE ARE some boundaries beyond which even the longest lasting and most intimate associations cannot survive. Trust dead as a doornail marks the spot.
But, when you say that you no longer trust someone, what do you really mean?
Essentially, an expression of trust is another way of saying, "I feel safe with you," and "I feel that you will always look out for my interests." When one no longer feels that these statements are true, trust goes through the door.
If you fall into that category of people who give their trust unconditionally and are quick to forgive when trust is betrayed, then you are a rare one indeed. More likely is the permanent wound which occurs when trust is found to be misplaced.
Maxine's (not her real name) boyfriend, her first love as she describes him, 'cheated' on her and told her 'lies', ending an eight-year relationship with betrayal.
"He was my first boyfriend, my all in all. Starting a day without him was starting my day without a vitamin. He was my best friend, my lover and companion."
But, he cheated. He asked once for forgiveness, but dipped his snout in the trough again. Maxine says, "He ended up hurting me again and up to this day I can't find it in myself to even sit and talk with him anymore. I cannot share any part of myself with him
anymore."
The more popular causes of dying trust lie in conflicts over money, cheating, dishonesty and back-biting. How can one learn to trust a friend again after the let-down that comes with betrayal?
The experts say that a healthy self-esteem will help you to develop trusting relationships once more. How you view yourself will affect your ability to trust. If you feel picked upon, or victimised, then you will be forever looking out for the "criminals" who are out to make a victim of you. It is not an attitude which is conducive to building friendships.
If you have low self-esteem, you will distrust new experiences, new people, and see catastrophes at the drop of a hat. You will give up at relationships before you even try and therefore stop yourself from doing something regardless of the fact that you haven't yet failed, or not yet been "knifed in the back" (that is what you expect, isn't it?)
Self-confidence gives you the urge you need to challenge what appears to be grounds for giving up. Maybe the action taken by your friend/s was not intended to hurt you at all, even though that was the consequence. Self-confidence will help you to forgive.
Move beyond your own shell and see the problem from the other individual's point of view. Maybe your friend who "betrayed" you had a compelling reason for
wanting to protect their own skin. Maybe they are even sorry after the fact. Maybe you can talk about this and begin to trust each other again.
