Tony DeyalI ALWAYS have time to listen to a good joke. However, what constitutes 'good' varies in different countries. Trinidad humour (generic name 'picong') is particularly stinging and can be salacious, irreverent and bordering on the libellous. If jokes were technology, Trinidad jokes would always be on the cutting edge. If Trinidad was a business we would be appropriately named "Jokes 'R' Us."
For instance, this lady, a female rights advocate, met me outside the supermarket. "Tony," she said mischievously,
"You see Colin Croft now in charge of the University gym. I sure they have a punching bag there so he could stop using his wife." No comment. "You think he apply for the job or he just threaten to beat them?" No comment. Then as I was loading my groceries in my car, a well-dressed, clearly educated older lady confided, "Tony boy when I hear that Oma Panday (wife of the former Prime Minister) had a million pounds I wasn't sure if they were talking about her weight or her wealth." Fat chance of my replying. No comment again.
Then an older man with a sardonic smile, "You see the picture of Prime Minister Manning with a crook in his hand?" I admitted knowing about some sort of recent contretemps involving Mr. Manning's chauffeur. However, the man continued, "The Baptists anoint Manning and put a Bishop's crook in his hand and you could see the way he handle it he accustom to dealing with crooks." In baseball terms, the man had thrown me a curve so that I had to temporise. "It's a crosier," I corrected, "and in the hands of a shepherd, it's a staff." The man was stubborn. "At least is not a boomerang," he continued. Then he added, "Or a jhandi," referring to the name for the Hindu prayer-flag, several of which Mr. Manning had removed from the Prime Minister's residence. Telling the man that I was Tony Deyal and not Tony Crosier, I gave him a crooked smile and drove off.
HOMICIDAL FEMALE
Later, I dropped into a fast food outlet for barbecue chicken and, while waiting, wondered idly about the name of the place. While other places are called 'KFC' or 'Royal Castle' this one was more like a command. 'Eat It.' It caused me to dredge up from the dim recesses of my memory an old joke about a homicidal female armed with a magnum who used those very words to a frightened gentleman. When asked later whether he had complied with her command, he answered, "You ain't talking to no ghost man."
In the case of older gentlemen like myself, I thought it was inadequate as a name and should be preceded by, "If you can't beat it-" It was here that I heard the most outrageous and sickest joke of the lot. A young woman, also waiting, smiled at me. Being alone and without the presence of what Rumpole of the Bailey would call "She Who Must Be Obeyed," I smiled back anticipating that she would repeat the name of the restaurant for me. However, skipping the preliminaries, she jumped into the main event. "This man came home and saw his room-mate crying. So he asked, 'What's the matter love? Why are you crying?' The room-mate replied in tears, "I am leaving you. People say you're a paedophile." The man was stunned. "How come a 12-year old like you know such a big word?' The room-mate continued, "I learn it from the other acolytes Father." I blessed her and left hurriedly thanking my lucky stars that although my rod, staff and crosier comfort me, I am not a clergyman but a confirmed lay-person.
Only to run into another person who, like me, had watched Wednesday's One Day International cricket match between the West Indies and India. "Tony, you watch the cricket?" "Yes," I said gloomily. "You hear that Lara's girl-friend call for him and the manager tell her that Lara was batting. You know what she tell him? 'I will wait'. She didn't have to wait long." Even though I had used the joke before, I grinned because I always have time for cricket jokes, except the CANA commentators who either convolute the language with phrases like, "On his back-foot Lara goes," or commit the comic, "Hooper bats well with a tail." Having done 'live' television interviews for almost 10 years, I know that it is easy to make mistakes. Even the great cricket commentators have their forgettable moments. Richie Benaud said of a batsman, "He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time." What makes him different is that he was also capable of the unforgettable. After the passage of a streaker during a test match at Lord's, he commented dryly, "There was a slight interruption there for athletics."
FAVOURITE ANIMAL
Tony Grieg, former England Captain who once spoke of making the West Indies team "grovel" (he paid for it), claimed that Clive Lloyd was "talking to his slippers" and that "Marshall is bowling with his head."Grieg once anticipated what an Australian player would do, "In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one." Steve Waugh made no mistake when asked what was his favourite animal. "Merv Hughes," he confirmed. Jim Maxwell, the Australian commentator, described this fantastic shot, "Chappell just stood on his feet and smashed it to the boundary." Jack Potter claimed another anatomical improbability. "It was close for Zaheer. Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air."
The legendary Brian Johnston had warmed up in previous innings with gems like, "Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end," "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey" and "Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground." Then came his greatest moment. In 1969, New Zealand was playing England at Lord's. New Zealand batsman, Glenn Turner, was hit in the groin and collapsed in pain. As the television cameras focused on the unfortunate batsman writhing on the ground, Johnston was careful to describe the accident in very circumspect terms. However, when Turner returned to the wicket to take the last ball of the over, Johnston announced, "Turner looks a bit shaky and unsteady but I think he's going to bat on- one ball left."
Tony Deyal was last seen appreciating the return of female Caribbean commentator, Donna Symmonds. He will never forget her rationale for Patrick Patterson being dropped from the team, "No balls! No balls!" or Phil Simmons bowling, "He's quite stiff you know. Quite stiff!"
