By Karen Cadien, ContributorCHILD MONTH is that time of the year when many Jamaicans are reminded of their significant role as parents in moulding children.
However, many persons do not recognise that the simple act of communication between parent and child is a very important aspect of the parenting process and a major weakness of many parents.
Speaking on "Parents, making a difference during Child Month and beyond", Director of Child and Adolescent Mental Health at the Ministry of Health, Dr. Pauline Milbourn says that this weakness is cause for concern and the lack of parent/child communication creates dysfunctions in the family. To address this weakness, she says, the Ministry plans to conduct training in parenting skills in conjunction with other organisations.
"Parents come into my office saying that their children won't listen or that their children do not understand what they are told to do. It is at this point I want to know what happened previously because, the business of communication is a process and begins well before the child is 10 years old," she explains.
In fact, communication between the parent and child actually begins in the womb, when the child begins to move and the mother has a real sense that she is pregnant. At that point most thoughts are focused on the unborn child and so communication begins. Astute mothers will even communicate through playing music that soothes the child.
Dr. Milbourn, who is a Child Psychologist, says that before the child is verbal, the communication base "should be firmly in place" whereby, when the baby coos the parents responds and vice versa. She adds that the communication is even more manifested when the mother or caregiver looks adoringly at babies who smile or gurgle in return.
However, she notes that somewhere down the line, the parent loses that communication channel when the child begins to talk. Eventually, Dr. Milbourn says, as the child grows he or she is not allowed to express feelings about a particular matter.
"Sadly, adages such as a 'child should be seen and not heard' and 'do as I say and not as I do', become some of the popular mantras adopted by parents and care-givers," she notes.
Dr. Milbourn points out that the environment and community facilitates the weakness in parent/child communication because children are "spoken down to" and have
little or no chance to articulate their own position.
"You have to say that this type of attitude that parents have towards children borders on disrespect... children do have a point of view and are entitled to express themselves," she says.
She adds that there is little effort on the part of parents to encourage and teach children that they can express themselves in an appropriate way when challenged.
Contributing to the weakness in communication between a parent and child is the breakdown in the family structure. The Director says that often children are bounced from relatives to caregivers, never having the chance to be familiar with a caring adult with whom they are able to communicate.
These children become discombobulated, Dr. Milbourne explained, losing trust in adults while developing self-esteem issues among other problems.
She also notes that coupled with ignorance on what parenting entails, there is a major deficit regarding child development on the part of many Jamaicans. She adds that many parents do not know what to expect of children at different ages.
"Children are beaten because they cannot read and because they still wet their beds. There is a failure to recognise that these occurrences are within normal age limits," she explains.
To re-establish the parent/child communication, Dr. Milbourn suggests that parents need to change their approach to parenting. This means learning to listen to their children and cultivating healthy parent/child communication.
She notes that communication is also enhanced by affection, touching and hugging and that these qualify as non-verbal communication. She warns parents to be careful about body language that goes with verbal and non-verbal communication. "Children are like blotting paper, they are very sensitive picking up all the non-verbal cues," she states.
Dr. Milbourn adds that children model the behaviour of parents and that 'modelling' carries more weight than words. She says that this aspect of parenting is a weak area for numerous parents because "parents do stuff and expect the child not to be aware or pattern the action." In the end, the parent needs to set the example for the child to follow.
The use of the "I messages" concept also aids parent/child communication. Instead of taking a combative approach such as saying, "how many times have I told you to do this and that," Dr. Milbourn encourages parents to adopt a personal approach starting with "I" which encompasses the parent's feelings on a matter. A child is more apt to listen when parents are less defensive, judgmental and combative.
Jamaica Information Service
