Tony DeyalIN THE matter of my five-year-old daughter, Jasmine, and the Tooth Fairy, I suppose that I bit off more than I could chew. However, when it comes to my children, my behaviour is guided more by my canine than my wisdom. My bark is always worse than my bite, and what little wisdom I have left retracts into the emotions of fatherhood.
Now that I am down to the second two of four children, I feel that I can invent a word for what is required of fathers of infants. If 'catharsis' means 'the purging or purification of the emotions through the evocation of pity and fear, as in tragedy' then I am going through 'molarsis' or 'the gritting of the jaw teeth and the banding of the jaw, as in having little children.' The iron law of children is that there is no root-canal equivalent to keep them from getting on your nerves. There are also no substitutes for their love and liveliness.
Jasmine had developed a loose tooth. It intrigued rather than irritated. In fact, she irritated the tooth more than the tooth irritated her. For days she pulled it, pushed it, moved it to and fro, and was even willing to try the string-to-the-door, or thread-to-the-car-bumper recourses that I had idly suggested. Then she came up with her own bright idea, which she tried out on her mother. While not adept at dentistry she has already proven herself to be an expert at extraction, especially of school-snack money. With an expression of the greatest innocence, she asked, "Mommy, what about if I pay the tooth-fairy to take out the tooth for me? And then I will leave it under my pillow and the tooth-fairy will pay me back more money for my tooth?"
I attributed this novel approach to transactions with the tooth-fairy to the fact that my daughter is half-Guyanese (on her mother's side) and our being in Guyana at the time. I said jokingly that with Guyana's national sport being choke-and-rob such a solution is quite consistent with the national psyche. At which point, my wife Indranie pointed out that if the Trini side of my daughter had taken precedence, Jasmine would have abducted the Tooth-fairy and demanded a ransom, kidnapping being the major pastime in Trinidad.
During the interval, I came up with what I thought were excellent tooth-jokes to give Jasmine some encouragement and solace. "You would forget that tooth as soon as you pull it out," I advised. "Why, daddy?" she asked. I replied, "Because it will go right out of your head." She did not get it. "Why did the termite eat a sofa and two chairs?" She did not know. "Because it had a suite tooth," I explained. Nothing doing. "Why does a vampire clean his teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath." No response. Try another. "Why did the vampire give up acting?" "He couldn't find a part he could get his teeth into." Too high for such a little one. Instead she asked, "What is a vampire daddy?" I wanted to reply "a little girl who wants to blackmail the Tooth-fairy" but asked instead, "What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a giraffe?" Shake of the head. "A long-necked toothbrush." "Silly Daddy."
A British researcher has actually done some follow-up work on scepticism using the Tooth-fairy. He suggests various means of testing whether there is indeed a Tooth-fairy including telling your parents a tooth has fallen out, but not putting it under the pillow, telling your parents a tooth has fallen out, when in fact it has not, putting a tooth under the pillow but withholding the news from your parents, telling your parents but putting the tooth in a different location, putting something other than a tooth under the pillow, and staying awake all night to see what transpires. None of these alternatives was acceptable to Jasmine who has no scepticism where the Tooth-fairy is concerned.
While Jasmine is unconcerned about the characteristics of the Tooth-fairy, the creature demonstrates attributes that should be a lesson to all politicians, especially those in Jamaica and Trinidad where elections are imminent. First, she does not favour any group of children against any other on the basis of political affiliation, religion, race or geography. Secondly, she does not wait until Elections or every five years to visit or to provide financial support. She asks only for your teeth, not your life, and gives you money instead of taking all of yours. Even though you are completely at her mercy, being fast asleep when she arrives, she does not indulge in backbiting or blood-sucking, activities that are closely linked with Caribbean politics. She never claims to be suffering from the lack of resources, does not blame the previous Tooth-fairy for her problems and always gives you money in return for your tooth, regardless of the state of the economy.
Jasmine, fortunately, does not yet care about politics. The tooth came out when we returned to Trinidad. However, she could not find it when and where it fell. She panicked. On the verge of tears, she asked her mother, "Would the Tooth-fairy give me money if I don't have the tooth?" Her mother told her not to worry and that Daddy would explain everything to the Tooth Fairy. Confident in her Daddy's ability to move mountains and placate Tooth-fairies, she fell fast asleep.
In the morning, immediately upon awaking, she searched frantically for her money, which she eventually found tucked in between the pillow and pillowcase. Triumphant, she brandished her wealth in front of her jealous brother Zubin, aged four. With the scorn that only little boys can muster, he pronounced coldly, "Only twenty dollars? You can't buy a car or something with that." That night Jasmine matter-of-factly told her mother that she needed to pull out another tooth but this time expected more than twenty dollars from the Tooth-fairy. As I pointed out to my wife, clearly that side of her had nothing to do with us but can be explained only by the fact that Jasmine and her brother were born in Barbados.
Tony Deyal was last seen in Finland where a man was arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window. It is against the law to pick your teeth in public.
