Claude Mills, Staff Reporter
LONG BEFORE deejay Frisco Kid proclaimed that the 'gal pon de side juck de best', most men have fallen victim to that most beloved, time-honoured male vice juggling three or more women at some point in their adult lives.
It is a Mission: Impossible scenario fraught with danger but most men cannot resist the siren call of infidelity.
Let me tell you about my friend John. He is almost fanatical in this, the most celebrated male vice. He keeps files of most of the women he encounters, and separate files on those he sleeps with. He enters the information into his computer, and 'crams' on each of his girls before he goes out with them.
He has also invested in a Palm handheld computer to get quick refreshers on choice girls when he needs to.
John is an extraordinary human being. The Maker must have been smiling to Himself when He made that one. There are few men among us who are so dedicated to The Craft. For the less 'dedicated', here are a few tips that you might find useful:
Radar noses and the scent of the other woman Women have radar noses, and other almost-superhuman abilities. They have an uncanny ability to detect even a whiff of the slightest alien fragrance on you, and are able to spot minuscule strands of female hair on your shirts normal people would need a microscope to detect.
With the hair thing, you can always blame that on the tired-ass weave of a female co-worker. But if you are a smoker, or drinker, you can use alcohol or cigarettes to hide the scent of the other woman.
After a secret rendezvous, details are essential. Remember to return the car seat to the exact position she left it in. Make sure you check your car for ear-rings, underwear and hair spray cans under the seat before you pick up your OTHER woman on that same day.
Innocuous lipstick stains are dangerous. The girls on the side are notorious for making trouble sometimes beware of them.
Get rid of evidence like ticket stubs, hotel bills and any other evidence you might leave in your pockets.
And if you absolutely have to see two women in the space of a few hours, please invest in a shower and change ALL your clothes before seeing lady number two.
Don't be a 'blabber-mouth' Keep tabs on what you say. Be vague without being evasive. Most women are pros at digging you for information you might think is useless, but which she will store in some dank repository of her mind to spring on you at some later date.
Go for the Strong Silent Stereotype, she might buy it. But if you absolutely have to share (damn!) and talk about yourself, don't lie. I know, I know...truth is always relative and with a point of departure, but the more you lie, the more fibs you will have to keep track of, and that just increases your chances of getting caught later.
Lies must be seen as an 'Avenue of Last Resort' when there is no other way out.
Phone calls We live in the age of the communication, and with the prevalence of cell phones, it is almost impossible to not be contacted by your lady. Many men choose to ignore their cell phones when they're out with other women, or to simply leave them in the car or switch them off. That's a no-no. When you're out with the other woman, the last thing you should do is not take the call.
If you avoid taking calls, it suggests that you have something to hide.
When you do answer the call, don't try to pretend that it is one of your male friends, and if it is the girl on the side, please refrain from the 'cute baby talk' you normally go in for. Be firm and curt. Tell her you're out, you're in a business meeting and you'll call her back later.
If she keeps calling you back, switch off your cellie's ringer, and when hook up later, just shrug, and tell her you must have accidentally sat on the phone and switched the ringer off. Interestingly enough, women often accept this explanation; they haven't fully mastered their own cell phones anyways.
Write things down You must be discreet. Keep track of what is going on. Apply the same diligence you would to a university course. Write down key details if necessary. If you can remember something great about a particular date, it will go a long way towards convincing that girl that she is the SPECIAL one.
No nos Unless you have a death wish, do not, I repeat, do not date two different co-workers, cousins or classmates simultaneously. Jamaica is a small place, and most people know somebody who knows somebody who knows YOU. Somebody will squeal on you; no one likes a smart-ass. If the women live in the same community, like Portmore, it is possible to juggle them, but try to steer them to different hang-out spots. And even then, problems are just one wrong slip-up away.
And oh, NO HICKEYS. Tell them you have a delicate skin condition or something.
Safe sex Use condoms all the time. Some women will offer you unprotected sex as a premium to keep you interested, especially if you are the only one making love to her. Don't fall into this trap. You know you're being unfaithful, so protect yourself and the women you are sleeping with. Go in for regular check-ups as well.
Modus Operandi You have to get your MO down pat. Don't take your women to the same spots because you risk blowing your cover. There is always that smart-ass waitress who will deliberately throw a monkey wrench in your whole programme and say something like 'Sir, same thing you ordered last night for you and your lady friend?'
And what possible defence can you offer to that?
Enlist help Enlist the help of key male friends, especially the ones that your lady friends think are good role models for you. You need someone to watch your 'head back' at all times.
If I missed any, please offer a few suggestions which you think may be useful. We men have to stick together.
You can e-mail me at cmillsy@yahoo.com
