By Claude Mills, Staff Reporter
DAVID IS just grateful to be alive these days. Diagnosed as a manic depressive three years ago, he almost committed suicide while in the grips of a terrible bout with the negative feelings and thoughts triggered by depression.
According to him, the thoughts swarmed his brain like 'mental poison ivy'.
"When things turned bad three years ago, I was having palpitations and it felt like things were crawling around inside my head, and negative thoughts filled my head," David relates. "It was unbearable. It is an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy."
At the time, he sought medical attention for the palpitations from a trained cardiologist, and he was first diagnosed with a heart
condition.
"The doctors said I was on the verge of a serious heart failure. I was hospitalised, and I stayed there for four to five days then I was released," he said.
When David returned home, his blood pressure skyrocketed, and although he stuck to his daily regimen of blood pressure medication, things failed to improve. At nights, he began to have problems sleeping. The palpitations continued. And there was a new factor in the equation: the dizzy spells.
"Things that had happened to me in the past began to haunt me. Did I make the right choices? Did I waste too much time? Should I have achieved more? I got angry with myself a lot, I felt that I should have accomplished more," the 53-year-old former businessman said.
To compound matters, David was forced to sell his appliances and CD shop due to financial
difficulties.
"I wasn't working, and my wife was the only one supporting the family," he said.
David's wife Maxine of 26 years, began to notice changes in his personality. He was no longer the fun-loving man that she had married. He stopped hanging out with his friends. He no longer played music and had lost over 37 pounds. If he tried to concentrate too hard on anything, he would break out in cold sweat.
"I began to seriously consider suicide. I actually asked myself the best way to do it and not hurt the family," the father of four
continued.
Eventually, his wife convinced him to seek medical attention again. In a routine visit to his regular family GP, he was diagnosed as having panic attacks. He consulted a trained psychiatrist and began treatment.
However, even then, the problems had only just begun.
"The first drug that I took, Prozac, made me sleep a lot, and when I woke up, I looked in the mirror and had this strange, wild look on my face. After a while, I got nervous, I heard organ music playing in my head, and my hands shook. I also heard airplanes flying overhead and I don't live close to the airport. But with all that, I didn't want to say anything to my wife or to frighten her," he said.
David thought he was going crazy!
His psychiatrist advised him to stop taking Prozac. The sleeplessness continued. Eventually, he switched to another medication, Imipramine and two other medications. Things got a little better, but his anger and irritability stewed beneath the surface.
"One day, my wife and I had a petty argument, and I pushed her. After that, I felt suicidal, and I made up my mind to kill myself. I even got the electrical cord and stuff and put them outside. However that night, when I fell asleep, I dreamt of my mother, and she spoke to me in my dream, and I didn't go through with it," he said.
FAMILY AND SEX LIFE AFFECTED
Looking back, David points to a gradual change in his behaviour that spanned several years. He lost the verve and jovial streak that had endeared him to his friends. Those qualities were replaced by a slow-boiling anger that more often than not was directed inwards. It adversely affected his family life.
"At one point, I thought my kids hated me because they didn't talk to me, I thought they didn't care how I was feeling. When I couldn't sleep, everyone else was sleeping and so on. Later, after I began taking my meds, it turned out that they were afraid of me, that's why they avoided me," he said.
David is still on Imipramine. It has taken the edge off his sexual drive.
"When you are depressed, you feel like you're going to die. You're confused, you just don't want to have sex!" he said.
"Most men feel that tablets will hamper your sex life. They do, for instance, sometimes if you are taking a leak, if you're not careful, you leave some in your briefs because it affects the strength of your urine stream," he said.
After a while though, David said, you will find something that is compatible to your needs.
"Just work closely with your doctor. It's a trial and error process to find the right drug which will not cramp your sex drive. Although you may lose a part of your sexual drive, you are grateful and happy. The alternative is worse. When depression gets a hold of you, is either do or die, you have to seek help or you won't make it," David said.
"My level of consciousness is greater now. The memory is better, my strength is coming back, and my concentration level is up," he said.
