By Heather Little-White, Ph.D., ContributorIS WORK taking the place of some other vital activities in your life? Could sex be the activity that gets
sabotaged because of work? Several couples experience low levels of intimacy and lovemaking because of their inability to balance work with romance and sex. In general, couples have become so preoccupied with work and money to demonstrate accomplishment, achievement and acquisition of material goods.
Dual-earner couples are working harder to maintain the status quo and so to satisfy this quest, their lives are no longer enriched by intimacy. Instead, there is increased mental pressure to keep up with work, resulting in partners taking each other for granted.
Workaholic
In the Western world, work is used as a means of self-fulfilment to the extent that it turns people into workaholics. A wife's definition of a workaholic is a husband married to his job/career and it is like competing with another woman for his attention. Workaholics work for long hours in order to demonstrate and receive validation of their effectiveness, intelligence, talent and worth. When validation of basic needs does not come from a relationship, attempts will be made to meet them through work. In many instances, working partners are physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted when they get home so there is little or no energy for even a goodnight kiss and other acts of intimacy.
Men have been socialised to believe that their value comes from being financially successful. To satisfy men's feelings of masculinity, they are driven by work-related issues to become successful. This affects their sense of balance between work and sex with more time spent on work. Very often, they withdraw from
relationships.
Fear of weakness
It is not a deliberate attempt by men to shut out their mates but their response to work pressure is to internalise their problems and pull away from their women. In order to protect their masculinity and the need to demonstrate strength, men shun closeness out of fear of becoming weak to the extent that they have to release pent-up feelings.
Women, on the other hand, though an active player in the world of work outside the home, will balance the pressures of work with her network of friends who provide solace, feedback and support. Women want to get close to their men so they can open up about their feelings and discuss work-related issues that may be causing a strain on the relationship. While work is important, women seek their validation primarily through a loving partner and happy relationships.
Warning signs
What are the warning signs that a relationship may be heading for trouble because couples imbalance work with sex? The indicators may come from one or both partners. Common ones are:
regular excuse of "not tonight dear, I am too tired".
Little time to talk with each other.
Little time for recreational activities together.
Pre-occupation with work issues and next to impossible deadlines.
Taking home work on a regular basis and even into bed.
Going to the office early in the mornings and leaving late at nights.
Regular weekend work or meetings.
Symptom associated with stress.
Constant 'meetings on the phone' at home, even late at nights.
Working in excess of the forty hours for a work week.
Getting less than eight hours of sleep
Lack of sleep
A study by the National Sleep Foundation in the United States found that marital satisfaction was directly related to lack of sleep. Persons with little sleep reported lower marital satisfaction. The study concluded that lack of sleep due to excessive work was bad for sex life because people were simply too tired to have sex. Loss of sleep for an extended period leads to tiredness, which interferes with routine activities, including sex.
If your relationship is threatened by too much work and not enough intimacy, you must take time to re-kindle intimacy in your relationship. You have to frankly discuss your work goals and your financial goals as a couple and the current state of your intimate relations. It means talking, listening to each other and taking decisions that will get both of you growing together again.
Balancing act
It is important to recognise that pressures at work are never-ending, with new issues emerging as others are solved. Bear in mind that excessive work is not good for sex. Engaging in regular, enjoyable sex enhances better performance at work resulting in successful outcomes. Suggested solutions for a better balancing act with work and sex are:
Balancing your life, making time for work and recreational activities. In the same way that you schedule business appointments, you should pencil in your diary times for recreation, fun and intimacy.
Reassessing expectations of
each other and setting new ones, if necessary.
Finding time to reconnect with your partner if work has torn your relationship apart.
Spending time doing something you both enjoy.
Planning a vacation without the children and reminiscing on the good old times.
Finding time to laugh at yourself and with your partner. The old adage, "laughter is the best medicine" is also true for fuelling intimacy.
Be careful that work-induced neglect of sexual intimacy in your relationship does not cause you and your partner to lead separate lives, growing apart, sharing neither a bed nor a dream, nor meeting each other's needs.
