The law is an ass-ociation
published: Monday | May 12, 2003
Tony Deyal
IT IS said that nothing in life is certain except death and taxes. Perhaps the long-running Commission of Enquiry into the Airport, which now seems set to challenge "The Bold and the Beautiful" and other soap operas for longevity, should have known that when they depended, as they said, on acquiring "certain: information. Like sand in an hour glass, they had the day of their lives. "Certain" information never arrived and the entire day's hearing was ruined.
I am more concerned with the way lawyers and ex-Judges, as in the case of the Commission, which has a large quantity of highly-paid and fabulously remunerated representatives of both, use words. If there was a chance, even the most infinitesimal possibility that the information would not be forthcoming, surely it would not be "certain". Clearly, the information was "uncertain" as are the questions about if the Commission will ever wrap up its hearing and how much it will cost the already hard-pressed taxpayers who still stoically accept that death and taxes are the only certainties except, unhappily, they do not maintain alphabetical order.
One thing that the Commission demonstrates most resoundingly is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer. A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer. By that definition, the lawyers who constitute and comprise the Commission are very good indeed and worth every penny or hundred thousand that they're paid. Maybe this is why lawyers are not supposed to have sexual relations with their clients. That way the clients do not have to pay twice for the same service. In fact, in looking at the Commission go painstakingly through its tedious daily grind like the mills of the Almighty which are said to be particular and particulate at the same time, I found the answer to an assertion made long ago by a Coroner.
LAWYER PERSONALITIES
An attorney, cross-examining the coroner, queried, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" "No," the coroner replied. "Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?" The coroner answered, "No." "Did you check for respiration? Breathing?" asked the attorney. Again the coroner replied, "No." "Ah," the attorney said in triumph, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner rolled his eyes and, risking contempt of court, responded sarcastically, "At the time I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I can see your point. For all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere." I found out where. I also found out what lawyers use for birth control. Their personalities.
If you think that I am being hard on lawyers, I am not alone. In fact, I am part of the majority of persons who have no confidence in the legal profession. It is not just my unhappy experiences with lawyers, or the bitter experiences that so many people have with members of that profession. We in the Caribbean have effectively undermined our Constitution and created Law Associations with the power to regulate the profession. Had we allowed them to be subject to the law in an open court where the decisions are subject to rigorous scrutiny, we would have more justice and less lawyers. One wonders who the politicians were that assented to the creation of an organisation, the Law Association, which is neither fish nor fowl. On the one hand it is supposed to "represent and protect the interests of the legal profession" and on the other "to protect and assist the public". At the same time it is supposed to "promote, maintain and support the administration of justice and the rule of law."
CONTRADICTIONS
This is so riddled with contradictions that it reminds me of an old joke. A lawyer, named Thomas Strange, was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies Thomas Strange, an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury more than two people in the same grave, and the authorities would be confused. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is," the lawyer protested. "Sure they will," replied the stonecutter. "Everyone who reads it will think, 'That's Strange'!" In fact, the problem with that story is that it illustrates the whole issue of what's wrong with lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
If, like me, you are forced to attend court through no fault of your own, or to view it on television as punishment for a misspent youth, you will notice that neither the defence attorney nor the prosecutor (or the judge for that matter) ever swear to tell the truth. In fact, the thinnest book on record is a tome entitled, "Legal Ethics". This answers the question, "How does an attorney sleep?" First he lies on one side and then on the other. As I have discovered, both as an individual and a taxpayer, the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros is that the lawyer charges more.
WITTY ADDRESS
As a writer, I am proud of Mark Twain who dealt with a lawyer the way I would like to. At a New England society dinner some years ago, Twain had just finished a very witty address when the Master of Ceremonies, a society lawyer, arose and shoved both of his hands down into his trousers' pockets, as was his habit, and laughingly remarked, "Doesn't it strike this company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny?" Mark Twain waited until the laughter excited by this sally had subsided, and then drawled, "Doesn't it strike this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"
Tony Deyal was last seen asking, "Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet into the ground instead of the customary six feet?" Because deep down they're really nice people.
