Tony Deyal THERE WAS a big fund-raising function for Courtney Walsh in Jamaica last week. Fortunately, it was not a singles event. Had it been, Chris Gayle and Marlon Samuels would not have attended because they seem to have a serious problem with singles and resist any dealings with them. Worse, telling them to rotate the strike seems to be interpreted as turning the bat around in their hands so that the ball comes off the back instead of the front.
It is not that I am being too hard on the two young men. They both have enormous potential. It is just that I am repeating the sentiments of a disgruntled Jamaican friend and West Indies cricket fanatic who called me from Kingston last week. He said that the only bright spot was the assertion by Ricky Ponting, the Australian Captain, that his team attended the Courtney Walsh event to see for themselves that Walsh had really retired from the game. It was a great gesture by a team, and a people, whose reputation is built on tough, dour, uncompromising stubbornness and a love for beer.
There was a rumour that David (Boonie) Boon, the Tasmanian who became one of Australia's best-known and best-loved cricketers, drank an astonishing 47 beers on a flight between England and Australia. Merv Hughes, former Australian fast-bowler, and Steve Waugh's favourite animal, denied that the Boon report was true. Where did you get that story from? Hughes demanded of Jim White of the British paper, The Guardian. That's an absolute fabrication of the truth, he said stridently. It was 53 cans.
This love of beer is what has prompted the Aussie riddle, What's the difference between Aussies and pigs? Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they're drunk. Aussies, however, are credited with something called The Beer Prayer. It goes like this:
"Our Lager, Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
At home as if in tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
the bitter, the lager,
For ever and ever, Barmen."
PEARLY GATES
This is partly why Australian cricket fans, seen in all their glory during the present tour, were the butt of many jokes by the South Africans during the last World Cup. Perhaps this joke, like so many others about Australians, was motivated by envy. An Australian cricket fan was at the World Cup final when he had a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he met up with St. Peter, who asked him why he thought he deserved to enter Heaven. "Well," the Aussie said, "three weeks ago I gave $10 to a charity for the disabled!" St. Peter frowned and requested, "What else?" "Two weeks ago I gave $10 to the homeless shelter!" the Aussie continued. "What else?" demanded St. Peter. "A week ago I gave $10 to the orphanage!" the Aussie fan responded. St. Peter then told the Aussie to wait for a minute, he would be right back. About five minutes later St. Peter returned and said, "I have discussed your case with the Boss and he agrees with me. Here's your $30 back, now go to Hell!"
Because Australia was first settled by convicts from England who were the original POHMs (Prisoners Of Her Majesty), people still make jokes about the antecedents of Australians. A visitor was once stopped by an Immigration Officer as he was entering the Sydney International Airport. "Do you have a criminal record?" the Officer asked. The visitor replied, "I didn't know you still needed one."
Some people see it as a virtue. John Philip Kemble (1757-1823), the famous British actor and theatrical manager, was once in a conversation with a gentleman who had just returned from a visit to Sydney and who spoke about the growth of the theatre in Australia. "Yes," remarked Kemble, "the performers ought to be all good, for they have been selected and sent to that situation by very excellent judges."
There are many people who believe that the sledging in which Australian cricketers indulge, and which went unpunished during the Test series against the West Indies, is part of that heritage. Merv Hughes justified it. He commented, "I liked to offer advice on the way the game should be played. It was business, not personal. The people who took it personal tended not to cope so well. Verbal intimidation, we call it, and it is without doubt deliberate. I most enjoyed it with the blokes who gave a bit back. Robin Smith, Michael Atherton, he wasn't the little angel everyone thinks he is. The Australian attitude to trash talking is what's said on the ground stays on the ground and let's get off at 6 o'clock and have a beer". Clearly, as the ugly pictures of McGrath and Sarwan show, unlike Merv many of the present crop don't like people who give a bit back or more.
MASTERY OF THE FUNDAMENTAL
The major reason most of us condemn the Australian habit of sledging is that we think they don't need to do it. They are much too talented a team and very clearly superior to all the other teams in World Cricket, including the West Indies. While we may have the talent, we don't have the techniques or mastery of the fundamentals. We don't have any excuses either.
I'm not sure how my old friend, Mr O'Connor, a die-hard West Indies cricket fan, would have dealt with the present problem. He always had the perfect explanation whenever the West Indies cricket team lost a game or a series. When, in the old days we crouched shivering late at night around a Pye, Grundig or Phillips radio, listening to the crackling cricket commentary from Australia, Mr. O'Connor never lost faith even as we lost matches. His explanation was brilliantly simple. He said that in Australia the boys had to play cricket in the night, something to which they were not accustomed in the West Indies. He insisted, "If they used to play cricket in the day in Australia, we will be sure to beat them." I wonder what he would say today? Perhaps, like me, he would say nothing. Just grin and beer it.
Tony Deyal was last seen saying that the Australian sledging makes him feel like an insane Kangaroo. He gets hopping mad.
