SHE SAID
WE HAVE REASONS FOR CHEATING
LET ME first put something on the table. I have never, ever cheated on anyone ever. Never.
I am loyal to everyone friends, family, and my male companion. Even when it probably isn't the wisest move I still stand by my man. This is an extension of my philosophy (one that I think is a bit outdated and definitely rare) which says that if I bump into someone who tickles my fancy so much that I would actually act on it, then it's time to break it off with the one I am with.
So, you might ask, what makes me an expert on the topic of cheating women? Well, I am a woman and there are some things that universally hurt all women. There are issues we have in common that give rise to the temptation of stepping out on our partners. However, some women, like me, make a concerted effort not to cheat.
Let's start with some of the most common reasons why women cheat.
1. Not getting enough attention from their partner. Women, like men, love attention. Women are often left to deal with domestic issues on their own, and are taken for granted by their men. The popular song 'Put that woman first', by R&B artist Jaheim, comes to mind. In the song he notes that if it weren't for the football games on Sundays, his job, hanging with his friends, he'd remember to spend time with his girl. In response to his neglect, she cheats.
2. Money. Yes, there you have it. Some women complain that their men are not supplying them with enough money. Their solution is to find another guy who will shower them with, not love, but money. It seems that the term independent woman has been redefined to mean a woman who is able to juggle the necessary number of men needed to afford her the finer things in life.
3. He can't please her. If the man comes up short (you know what we mean) or if his bedroom performance is less than pleasing, some women will look elsewhere. Many cheating women list this as one of their main reasons.
4. When problems crop up in a relationship women are becoming less willing to talk it through and stick with the man.
5. The rules governing the roles of the sexes are changing, which brings us to yet another reason why some women cheat. For some it's a retaliation against their cheating partners. What's good for the gander is good for the goose, they reckon.
6. There are also the few who just believe that men deserve to get 'bun'. In their minds, men have got away with hurting women for too long and it is time that women return the 'favour'.
7. There are, of course, those women who cannot control their urges.
So, men, you can't say we never told you. These days a good woman is hard to find, just like it's hard to find a good man. If you've found her, treat her like gold and don't drive her into the arms of another man.
Kinisha O'Neill
HE SAID
THEY CHEAT TO EMASCULATE MEN
I AM sick of hearing women discuss female infidelity by moralising that 'women cheat for a reason'. What the hell does that mean? Do women cheat for 'better' reasons than men?
You all know the different scenarios where women feel 'compelled' to cheat. And there will always be a certain class of woman who will cheat on her man with a richer or more powerful man, or sometimes, who will cheat merely as an act of revenge. Men have names for women like these -- they write them on bathroom walls.
I know that women have 'urges'. They are capable of the same range of sexual behaviour as men, and not all of it is excusable. When you get right down to where the cheese binds, women cheat because they want to enjoy one of the 'liberties' that men have always enjoyed: sex with multiple partners without the societal baggage.
I'm sure that women get a taste for 'the strange' every now and again. Sometimes, they act on it, sometimes they don't. However, to hear some women talk, self-fulfilment is the new holy grail of the modern female sexual being. In fact, infidelity is merely a blow against the oppressive traditional tyranny of gender roles. And so women cheat to emasculate men, to show the Good Ole Boys Club just who is in charge, even at the risk of having violence visited upon her head.
Today's women want to be regarded as equals in the boardroom and the bedroom. They feel that they can do what the men do and still have the gall to think they are ladies.
The men who cheat are still dogs, but the women, ah, well the women have evolved into a different sort of animal.
Why should we pin a better morality on women than men? We are, after all, equal. What I have a problem with is the ways in which women seek to justify their infidelity with 'reasons'.
The popular thinking now is that if a woman has a void in her life, it is ok to have an 'affair for fulfilment' because, hey, she's got needs too. Most men know that that rationale is stupid but we accept it because it means more sex all around for everybody and with condoms and birth control, nobody has to go home feeling guilty.
One 26-year-old single woman told me that she cheated on her boyfriend because he refused to perform oral sex. This after, she had taken the plunge herself one night. She feels no compunction about her dalliance but sums up the reasons for her infidelity as 'his fault'.
"He wasn't giving me what I needed," she said. "Women need a reason to have an affair, men just need a place."
What a lot of crock!
Interestingly, even though the world has become more 'feminized' in recent times where sympathy, compassion and sensitivity are trumpeted as the new 'emotions of choice', women have taken on increasingly mercenary, dominant and aggressive roles. Men don't mind the stinging hypocrisy of it all as long as this translates into more boffing for them.
A general word on cheating: I think unfaithfulness goes hand in hand with low self-worth. Cheaters seek approval or fulfilment in the eyes of another person when they should be looking within themselves.
In some Middle Eastern countries, adultery is still considered a legal defense for killing your wife. I've seen Adrian Lyne's latest sexploitation flick, 'Unfaithful'; I know what can happen. In that movie, Richard Gere's good-natured character murdered his wife's (Diane Lane) French lover in a fit of jealous rage.
Unlike male infidelity where the woman stands by her man, female infidelity evokes rage, not forgiveness. Think OJ Simpson. When a man who loses control of his wife's sexuality, he cedes (not seeds) his masculinity, and if that happens often enough, the very pillars of society begin to crumble.
In today's devil-may-care world, women may have more opportunities to cheat, but they still have to suffer the consequences.
- Claude Mills
EXPERT SAYS
"THE PRIMARY reason women cheat is because their needs are not being fulfilled. 'Needs' cover all things within the emotional, sexual, mental and financial parameters of a relationship," says Dr. Heather Little-White who writes a column on sex and relationship in the Sunday Gleaner's Outlook.
Dr. Little-White also notes that women are becoming more susceptible to cheating because of peer pressure.
"Like men, some women are influenced by their friends to have affairs, simply because the friends themselves are doing so."
"Women want validation from their peer group. Their friends do it, so to be in with the crowd they think they should do it too, it's the same phenomenon that takes place amongst men."
A third reason for women's infidelity, according to Dr. Little-White, is that some are not getting the kind of excitement they need from their relationship. "Women have become more liberal and are more independent. They now can do things on their own without the male even knowing about it."
