Parents' personality types can put a damper on their children's summer holidays.
SCHOOL'S OUT, you have made plans for the kids, and you are feeling pretty organised. Oh, sure, your son complained about having to go to sports camp, but he needs to get in shape. And your daughter begged you for art camp, but you talked her into a week of horseback riding. They'll have a good time, you tell them, just wait and see.Actually, they may have a terrible time, and the tension between you and your child will only increase. At least that's the opinion of Janet Levine, a longtime educator and mother of two grown children.
"Whatever you do this vacation, be aware that the summer you are planning for your child is probably a reflection of your own personality, and may not fit your child's emotional or developmental needs," says Levine, author of "Know Your Parenting Personality" (John Wiley & Sons, 2003).
Reached by phone at her home in Massachusetts, Levine talked about a 15-year-old boy she knows. She asked him about his upcoming summer.
Hanging out, reading in the sun, sleeping late, skateboarding with friends," he told her. But she said he wasn't convinced.
"Hanging out is definitely underrated these days. My mom wants me to go to summer school, my dad wants me to intern in a medical lab, and I want to hang out."
Levine says, even though today's parents groan about how kids' lives are so organised - in sports, school, play groups - how different it all is from when the parents grew up, many are not about to let their kids just "hang out" for the long summer months.
"We feel responsible for these lives, we want to give them the best," she says of parents.
And that often means pushing them into activities that we value, that will help them develop into successful, achieving adults. And if we don't think art is as valuable as, say, golf, then the child who loves to draw will go to golf lessons, whether she likes it or not.
"If you can sit back and ask the question - 'Why do I want him in science camp?' Or 'Why do I not want her to take art lessons?' - then you become aware of your motivations."
Maybe your parents thought things like art lessons were too expensive or a waste of money. That stayed with you. Maybe you always wanted to go to science camp and couldn't afford to. Maybe it's time you sorted out what your needs are from what your child needs, Levine says.
"Once we understand why we do what we do, it's the first step to compassion and empathy."
And the first step toward really seeing your child, too. Levine's work is built on something called the Enneagram - a model of personality that describes nine worldviews or strategies.
