Tony Deyal THERE IS a story about children who begged for a hamster. After the usual promises and fervent vows that they would take good care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when their mother found herself having to take care of cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him." Their mother replied, "Yes, but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes." Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him." But their mother's mind was made up and she said firmly, "It's time to take him to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get Danny and his cage." With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
Actually, fatherhood is not as bad as that. However, it is much more complex, particularly the relationship between fathers and sons. Fathers and daughters are different, especially fathers and first-born daughters. But it is a different kind of love or bond from the one between father and son. Regardless of Oedipus and other complexes like adolescence, at the primary and basic level all sons consciously imitate their fathers. This is coupled with an anxiety to please their dads.
YOU SURE ARE DUSTY
I found an interesting story told by an unknown pastor that illustrates this relationship. He said, "At the first church that I was in charge of, I had the job of mixing feed to supplement my income. For a period of about two weeks, each day that I came home from work, my two boys, ages 2 and 3 would look at me, smile, and would say, "Boy, dad, you sure are dusty!" I would reply, "Yes, I sure am dusty." Then I would get cleaned up. I didn't think too much of this until I was washing my car and saw my oldest son doing something very strange. He was picking up the gravel and stones that were in our driveway and rubbing them into his pants. I asked him, "What are you doing?" He replied, "I want to be dusty like you dad". The anonymous writer then said, "I realised that if a child would look up to his father for being dusty and want to copy his father, a child could look up to his father and follow him for anything." He asked meaningfully, "What are you passing on to your son?"
A little boy once defined Father's Day as, "It's just like Mother's Day. Only, you don't spend as much." Yet, Mr. John Bruce Dodd, the founder of Father's Day, proclaimed, "Fathers are the great gift-givers of the world!" This is the paradox of fatherhood. You get to do some of the dirty work, particularly initiating your son in the rites of manhood.
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... It's called golf."
This "bigger the boy the bigger the toy" syndrome is true of all fathers. One story that I like is about a father of five children who came home with a toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present. "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?," he enquired. There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord, "You play with it Daddy!"
I started thinking seriously about the father-son relationship last Sunday. It was my birthday and my adult daughter Marsha took us to see the movie Finding Nemo. It is about a little fish whose father braved many dangers to rescue him. Around the same time, I read about the death of the father of the CEO of the Express and the combination brought back to me how I felt when my own father died. Then my natural sense of humour reasserted itself and I remembered some of the things that a father would never say to his son like, "We're lost. It looks like we will have to stop and ask for directions." Or, "Here's my credit card and the keys for my new car." Or even, "Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might wish to consider throwing a party." There is also, "No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now stop complaining and let's go to the mall to get your ear pierced." Then there is, "Why do you want to go and get a job? I make enough money for you to spend."
Finally there is the one that you will hear often but should never believe, "What do I want for Father's Day? Nothing. I don't believe in it."
I know it sounds trite and corny, but I came out of the movie realising that every day must be father's day even though every day is not son day. Then I looked up this poem which captures the essence of fatherhood and my own aspirations.
A father and a dad are not the
same:
One can be a dad and not a
father,
Or one can be a father and not
bother
To earn through love the more
endearing name.
Some find fatherhood a bit too
tame,
Leaving all the details to the
mother,
Or dumping the sweet burden on
another
Man with just a passing twinge
of shame.
You have been our dad so many
years
That you've become the
landscape that is home,
The mountain that we look to
from afar.
No matter where we go we're
not alone,
For you remain within to still
our fears
And be the word that tells us who
we are.
Tony Deyal was last seen talking about the father who told his son, "No, you can't use the car but feel free to use the lawnmower."
