Wendel Abel - I AM WHAT I THINK After 30 years of marriage, Bill announced that he was leaving. The end of a marriage and the loss of her husband were too much. Martha was devastated.
Richard was dumbstruck. The doctor told him that both legs were bad. Two weeks later, he had surgery. His legs were amputated. He struggled with this loss for years.
The two children cuddled and cried as their mother hopped into the car with her suitcase. They were told their mother was off to the country. Miriam left for New York. She never returned. They were traumatised for life.
We all experience loss and grief. Grief is the emotional and physical response to a loss. Common experience of losses include:
End of a relationship
Moving away from friends/family
Death
Failing to get a grade or to achieve a goal
Loss of part of the body by accident or surgery
Loss of personal possessions
Loss of status, job, economic power
HOW LONG DOES
GRIEVING LAST?
The grieving process may last for extended period. As time passes, grieving becomes less intense. The average grieving period may lasts two to three years.
WHAT IS THE TYPICAL
EXPERIENCE OF SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED A LOSS?
Research has shown that persons may pass through a number of emotional stages -- disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
Denial - During this stage we tell ourselves "No, this can't be me." "This must be a mistake." Denial sometimes cushions the impact of the loss.
Anger - As we struggle with the reality of the loss we become angry. "Why me?" "This just isn't fair", "How could God have allowed this to happen to me?"
Bargaining - Bargain to regain all or part of the loss
Depression - Depression is associated with disturbance in sleep, appetite changes, lack of energy, becoming tired easily, lack of pleasure, a sad mood, irritability and loss of desire
for sex.
Acceptance- finally we begin to accept the loss. We begin to reformulate our lives.
GRIEVING CHILDREN
Children are treated as if they have no emotional life. "No!" said Clinical Psychologist, Janice Evans children do experience losses. "They grieve and very often feel guilty and blame themselves for the loss."
Children may not show the usual symptoms as adults. Observe their play activities and listen to the things they talk about. Children experiencing grief may display changes in behaviour, withdrawal, acting out and temper tantrum. Decline in school performance is common. Regressive behaviour, for example bed-wetting and thumb sucking may occur.
I was age six when my mother died. I could not fully appreciate the impact of her death at that age. As I grew older and struggled with the loss of my mother, I went through an extended grieving process. It was long and difficult.
HERE ARE A FEW TIPS
1. Remember every body experiences loss, it is a universal experience.
2. Cry - everybody cries, it is a part of life.
3. Talk - talking about your loss and about your plans is therapeutic.
4. Allow the survivor to review the events of the loss over and over
5. Be a sensitive listener
6. Writing out the events of your grief can help. Some persons may find this helpful.
7. If severely depressed or suicidal, seek professional help.
8. Support groups are effective. Sharing with others can help and it can be mutually rewarding. One such group meets at the St. Andrew Parish Church regularly.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Senior Lecturer, University of the West Indies.
