Wendel Abel - I AM WHAT I THINK IN THIS article, I will share a few tips to improve our communication style and to resolve conflicts. Practise these ideas and you will find that your relationships with children, relatives, spouse and friends will improve.
Learn to express your feelings. Many of us have great difficulty expressing our feelings. Remember, we have a right to our feelings and we have a right to express these feelings.
Mary's boss had just insulted her in front of two holiday workers. She felt embarrassed and angry with him. Instead of expressing her feelings, Mary retreated to the lunchroom and cried. That did not help. She could not function for the rest of the day. She left work early. Mary was advised by a good friend to go to her boss and express in a polite and dignified manner how she felt.
The following morning she did so. This was what she said: "Mr. Jones yesterday I felt embarrassed and humiliated when you spoke to me in front of the holiday workers. I would have preferred if you had spoken to me privately in the office."
Mr. Jones paused and responded: "I am sorry Mary. I did not realise that my action made you feel that way. I am truly sorry to have embarrassed you."
Your husband did not remember your birthday, instead of cursing him and attacking him by saying: 'You are no good. You do not care for me', why not express to him how you feel "I feel neglected or I feel unloved. You know that birthdays mean a lot to me." By so doing you are expressing how you feel to the other person and this very often has profound impact rather than attacking and cursing.
Learn to express your feelings to people regardless of how they react to you. You will find that the more you express your feelings the better you will feel about many situations and the actions of others around you.
TIPS ON EXPRESSING FEELINGS
Learn to respect others feelings; Mr. Jones recognised that he had embarrassed Mary and that she was hurt. He validated her feelings. Many times people express their feeling to us and we belittle or devalue their feelings. These are common expressions we use in devaluing people's feelings, 'so why do you feel that way? I don't see the reason for you to react or feel that way'.
Remember respect people's feelings. Everybody has a right to his feelings. Very often when someone is angry or upset, the easiest way to calm them is to validate or acknowledge their feelings.
A customer walks into the office and is angry and starts to shout. How would you deal with that situation? First acknowledge that this person may be angry or upset: 'You seem angry today, how may I help you' or 'Something seems to have irritated you, do you care to talk about it'.
Communicate using 'I messages' do not use 'You messages'. Let me explain the concept of 'You message'. You arrive home and your eight-year-old child has not done his homework. You are angry, disappointed and upset. Many of us would reprimand the child by saying, 'You are worthless' 'You are lazy' 'You are no good'. These are 'You messages'.
You messages put people down, they humiliate them and they embarrass them. They may even destroy the self-esteem of children. A more appropriate response to your child who has not done his homework is, 'I am very disappointed and upset that you have not done your homework. I would have preferred if you had done so before you started watching the television'.
Learn to express anger appropriately. The next time you are angry instead of attacking another person by using 'You messages' pause and examine your feelings and express your feelings in 'I messages'. You realise that your wife spent too much money this weekend. Instead of attacking her, try expressing how you feel. It may have a greater impact. Say for example, 'I am very upset and disappointed that you have spent so much money this weekend. I would have preferred if you had discussed the matter with me'.
We have feelings all the times, as we learn to recognise and express these feelings we free our soul of a lot of pain and anger, which cripple our lives daily.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Senior Lecturer, University of the West Indies.
