Tony Hendricks, Contributor
IT'S ALL in the name! That's the reason so many people try to enter Britain by fair means, foul or fatal.
They sneak in dead or alive via oxygen-free cargo containers, flash-freeze themselves in the hold of airplanes and corrode into the rusty hulls of leaky ships that limp across a treacherous English Channel. (I don't mean the BBC although the widow of the late Dr. Kelly believes the BBC is a treacherous English channel.)
The funny thing about this influx of asylum seekers and stowaways is that they are very likely to pass British people going the other way. Britons all want to live somewhere warm like Florida, Spain or the Sun but everyone else wants to be in Britain. Or at least it feels like it when you're in London.
It all boils down to marketing! No other country in the world has a name like Great Britain. Sure, there's Grand Cayman, Grand Bahamas and the Greater Antilles, but everyone thinks Britain is really great, except for the British that is.
They complain that their country is broken, the government corrupt, and the monarchy out of date while everyone else marvels at British trains, buses, and tubes but don't give a hoot that they run late and derail all the time. If you live in the Third World you understand that corruption and government go hand in hand, a visit from the Queen means your roads get fixed and she's a bigger tourist attraction than Victoria Falls, The Pyramids, or The Bob Marley Museum.
Who names countries? Why can't we add an adjective and call ourselves Terrific, Fantastic, Amazing or Boom Jamaica. We could become enigmatic and be "the island formally known as Jamaica" and adopt a squiggly motif.
We could abbreviate to a hip pop name like J-Lo and P-Diddy and be J-Yard. We could go for a biblical thing and change our name to Heaven. It's not a complete untruth; parts of Jamaica and our people are heavenly. We have statues to prove it. Look at the mountains, how proud they stand, the valleys and forests thick with trunks, rivers that flow with life. Land of wood and daughter.
We should just do it, like Nike, and give ourselves bigger and better branding. NEW IMPROVED JAMAICA; now with 25 per cent extra FREE!
The man who coined the term Great Britain was in fact the same one who authorised an official version of the Holy Bible, the one we use to this day, King James I of England.
Typical British arrogance to declare: "Now look here you lot, I've decided that this the definitive version of the Holy Bible! It may well be the word of God but I've had it written it down, properly, in English, instead of all that gibberish it was in before. It will all be a lot clearer now, for God's sake!"
King James was quite the spin-doctor. He must have thought he was quite divine to stick his name above the title on the Bible and not God's. Amazing he could find a crown to fit his head. But this didn't stop him combining Wales, Scotland, and England into one nation whether they liked it or not. All he needed now was to make them sound bigger than Africa and better than anywhere else.
"Now look here, I've just inherited the throne of England from my Aunt QE-1, who conquered Spain, France and frankly more of the world than I knew existed. I've now got tobacco, potato, sugar and salt. My hooligans are in the navy and travel the world beating six bags of crap out of anybody they bump into. What I need now is a name that suits my Kingdom. Something big n' bad. How about Big Ugly Bunch of Bastards! That'll frighten the rest of the world."
This was met with derision from his courtiers and in those days people had courtiers like Jo Lo has stretched thong elastic. Others suggestions flew in. "How bout Hard Britannia?" said the skinhead. "No, it's got to be a nice name like Lovely Land or Pretty Britty," said Sir Elton. "What about Britain United" said Sir Alex? "Rubbish," said Dame Maggie, "Britain Uber Alles!"
"No, it's got to be something huge, something awesome, something - I know, we shall become Great Britain!"
"Great?" Muttered the assembled Brits. "What kind of name is that? It might impress the rest of the world but it won't convince anyone here!"
Tony Hendriks can be reread and e-mailed at www.jamaicanpaleface.com
