Tony Hendriks WITHIN THE time it took my breddrin to get in the lift, rise to the fifth floor, unlock his door and tip the bellman, his hotel room number had been passed on to a young lady who called and asked: "You want some company?"
This wasn't in some shady motel in a back street; this was a smart high-rise hotel. We weren't part of any all-inclusive package. A call girl was reversing roles and doing the calling. "Prostitutelemarketing!"
Actually I was impressed and perversely proud that our local entrepreneurs were so resourceful and quick to seize an opportunity. How she got the room number and knew he was single all in the space of a few minutes I know not. I have been trying to work it out ever since. Certainly wasn't any of the front desk staff; they're all too young and Christian. Definitely wasn't the bellman; he was with us the whole time. It was simply, a talented, Jamaican, business tycoon with an eye for a developing market.
My friend thought it was me. Not calling him. He thought it was me playing an elaborate joke or laying (no pun intended) on some hospitality for his visit. He didn't take up her offer but he's regretted it and I've berated him ever since. She would have been a fantastic piece of research.
MARGARET MACDONALD
It's good to know Jamaica can compete with the First World. France is currently witnessing the trial of Margaret MacDonald an English Madame or "La Madame Claude britannique" after the Parisian who ran a vast call girl ring in the sixties and seventies. Ah, vive la France!
The terma Madame has such a nice ring to it. So much better than pimp. Pimp evokes low class tricks, dimly lit streets, bad bargains, fake fur, lime green suits, pink high heels and ultimately a police siren. Madame is steeped in expensive perfume, art nouveaux, chaise lounges, reclining ladies draped in silk, chiffon, and feather boas. Champagne, martinis, and no regrets.
Madame MacDonald has quite a ring too, Europe wide by all accounts. If she had another pair of legs she'd open up in Kingston, to use an old punch line. It is ironic that this Heidi Fleiss of the Euro should be named MacDonald.
"You want the Happy Deal in your room, or do you want it to go dear? I bet we can super-size it for you. You'll get it in less than thirty minutes or your money back, guaranteed! Would you like a flurry or a nice thick shake?"
Her client list was thick with Sheikhs too, I'll wager. Guests at Hotel George V pay over fifty thousand Jamaican dollars a room per night and at least ten times that for one of Madame Mac's girls for a mere two hours. Why the hell don't we do that in Jamaica and make some big money?
The French want to reopen their national brothels; we should do the same in Jamaica and create a Red Light Zone or "Jerk Light District". We could put it in Emancipation Park and use the statue as a sign. Perfect!
Amsterdam girls sit in windows; our girls could exhibit themselves on Hellshire style benches before Faiths Pen stalls. Busy with a client? Just pull the bamboo blinds. Whammy, bammy, thank you mammy! Don't be lurking when the joint's a jerking!
HIGH-CLASS HOOKERS
You could still get room service. Hotels can't stop it, obviously. That's the thing about high-class hookers, you can't tell them apart from high-class wives. But we need a national brothel. In the street you're at the mercy of the elements, crack-heads, gunman, and police. Doing it in cars is dangerous. Too many windows. It's like being on CVM. Looking in, looking out, looking- "Hey! Move from there!"
We Jamaicans excel at sex, its already part of our tourism product so why not make it work for us and earn big money? Let's convert a building into a bordello and make it legal, attractive, clean, and profitable. Something big and pink, on a hill, near a golf course. I've seen the perfect place somewhere, now where was it? Hang on it's coming- oh yes, now I remember.
The only thing that upset me about the girl calling my breddrin was that she called my breddrin, not me. She probably thought: "Me nah call Paleface, nex ting him write bout me in de Gleaner!"
Tony Hendriks can be reread at www.jamaicanpaleface.com and e-mailed via the web site.
