Tony Hendriks - JAMAICAN PALEFACE NOW THAT the Terminator has been elected Governor of California why don't we follow suit and appoint Paul 'Capone' Campbell as Governor General of Jamaica?
It would be such good fun to hear him tell the World Bank, IMF and Amnesty International to "Walk and live-"
Okay, I know he said that line in Dancehall Queen not Third World Cop but if Arnold Schwarzenegger can get elected simply by saying lines from all his movies it proves people don't care if you know anything about politics or not as long as you can beat bad guys, save the world and have a memorable catch phrase, they will vote you into office.
Politicians love a catchphrase too. Remember "Fly de gate!" and "Mash down that lie!"? I bet "nuff gal" wishes there were better scriptwriters in politics these days.
Still, even though Arnold is a rookie I'm sure he'll get the feel of things soon. He may be groping around in the dark for now but he'll eventually get a grip on his new role, not to mention his staff.
RED STRIPE OJ
The idea of Governor General Paul 'Capone' Campbell appeals to me. It would be hilarious if when he handed out honours on King's House lawn, he opened bottles of beer with his teeth, then pinned the caps onto people's lapels. "I now pronounce you a Red Stripe OJ, zeen, and you is a Heineken, OK?"
Celebrities are the religious icons of the new millennium. The general public is prepared to accept far more from stars than they are from politicians. To turn a star, whether athlete, musician, or actor, into a politician or diplomat is nothing new. Shirley Temple was a US Ambassador as soon as she stepped off the Good Ship Lollipop.
It's simple marketing. If Jamaica could persuade Harry Belafonte to be our Minister for Trade, we might become the biggest supplier of bananas to the world. We should offer Colin Powell St. Elizabeth if he would become Prime Minister. You clearly don't need to be born in Jamaica to be prime minister. Just think of all the benefits he would bring us from his relationship with, not just the USA, but with the rest of the world. Damn it, we could throw in Manchester as well, even Clarendon if he wavers. Tell him Mocho sweet nuh back foot.
People want to see famous faces. That's why Michael Jordan is the face of Nike and David Beckham is the foot of Addidas rather than the millions of sweating Mexicans and Koreans with bleeding fingers making the products.
There are downsides of course. Celebrities don't always say the right thing but neither do politicians or their wives.
SHOOT BRITNEY SPEARS
The wife of Governor of Maryland, Robert Ehrlich, said if she had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, she would. Plenty people agree but she had to apologise.
Iain Duncan Smith, the leader of the Conservative Party said he would like to shoot Tony Blair. No one has asked him to apologise. Obviously there's less opposition to that idea.
The royal family are no slouches at being insensitive either. Prince William had an African Theme for his twenty-first birthday party. Guests dressed as Meryl Streep and Robert Redford in safari suits and pith helmets as in the film Out Of Africa, others came as characters from The Lion King and a few dressed as Zulus with grass skirts and bones through their noses.
It would have been much more appropriate if they'd taken a more authentic African theme and one in five of them had starved to death, one in four had caught AIDS, millions lost their land when it was taken away by European invaders, and the rest bled from all their orifices and died from Ebola Virus.
Sportsmen can't even remember to do the wrong thing never mind the right thing. Rio Ferdinand forgot to take a drugs test. If that's not suspicious, I don't know what is. Some say it's resounding proof he smoked something that affected his short-term memory.
PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUG
In light of all the headlines about footballers having all these sex sessions I must conclude the most likely performance-enhancing drug to be found in the blood stream of a premiership football playa is Viagra. And of course it is Pele who is the, well, the face of that!
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com
