Tony Hendriks - JAMAICAN PALEFACE THERE ARE some English people who love to give the Queen a warm time and when I say queen I don't mean the Anglican bishop who is causing commotion in churches across the globe, I mean Her Majesty, Queen Betty 2.
But aren't these people afraid she will chop them? Of course beheading is no longer legal, however, Missus Queen is cleverer than that. She can play fool fi ketch wise. All she has to do is award you a knighthood, invite you to the big house and when you kneel in front of her, whoops she slip, schwing she cut, thump your head on the floor.
She probably doesn't even have to dirty her own hands. She can use some of the bad juju she has in store. You have to be careful with a big smaddy like her you know. In the fifty years she has been reigning she's made friends of many cultures, religions and sciences, and when I say science, I mean Obeah. She has amassed vast tracts of gifts from kings and queens, chiefs, war lords, and rebels from across the globe and what do you give a person who has everything including his or her own country? Something to help keep that country and everyone in it in order! Many such things hang on walls, fester in dungeons, and make the contents of the Marquis De Sade's tool kit look like a romp through 'Harry Potter's Chamber of Secrets'.
Any time she wants she can pull out eye of newt, claw of John Crow, voodoo dolls, a shrunken head, say the right words and 'Goozuh!' someone clutches their chest in agony.
Don't believe me? Watch here. Tony Blair has had his sights on Her Majesty since he got elected. He's abolished almost all hereditary peers in the House of Lords, England's oldest bastion of the landed gentry, he has chipped away at her annual salary, annually, and fox hunting, her favourite sport, is forever about to be outlawed, and its proponents constantly hounded like foxes for pursuing their upper class blood lust.
Then suddenly, as rumours abound that Tony Blair is intent on dismantling the monarchy before he leaves office, boom! He suffers chest pains, is rushed to hospital and we haven't heard a peep since. Naturally when I was asked by her people to help write her speech for this Christmas, I could hardly say no. She's trying to ingratiate herself with the people of the Commonwealth by appealing to us personally. She reads The Gleaner , of course, so she knew I was in England. It goes something like this:
"My husband and I would like to big up all massive in the Commonwealth and to all our breddrin and sistren in the Caribbean I and I would like to say, you done know!
Over the years we royals have spent much time in your islands. My late sister spent countless days by Mustique and my baby father Phillip went on bad in Jamaica doing things I'd rather not mention.
My big youth Charles can do the Bogle and has taught Camilla to Butterfly. His brother Andrew, or Mr. Bombastic, strictly fantastic, has had gels from Rema, gels from Jungle, the oversexed sod's had gels in a bungle. My grand youth Prince Willy is now de gal dem sugar, while the red dread prince Harry has been caught smoking up a chalice in Buckingham Palace.
Jamaican massive, I know you have been loyal subjects, Jah know, it pain me to bring in the visa thing but everything is everything, time longer than rope. Just remember what you know a day you can find a night. Let's wait till tings cool down and then we'll see if we can ease off, zeen?
Here me now, one and one people deh bout who say dem want get rid of the monarchy, to them I'd like to say in the words of Sizzla: 'Fire! Bun dat! Fight you a fight against royal people! More fire!'
But to the rest of unuh I wish you all a very prosperous life. Better must come. Till then, blessed days. Guidance. Walk good."
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com.
