H0W FAR will some women go to have a child?It appears that when the biological urge hits, some will go quite a distance, being willing to do almost anything to know the feeling of a babe in arms.
Darlene Hilton, a professional in her 30s, told Outlook, that she is in the process of reviewing her options as a single mother. Although she is not in a relationship, so urgent is her need to have a 'baby girl' that even artificial insemination is on her wish list these days, she said.
The urge to have children from a relatively early age is one fundamental way in which women differ from men, says founder of the Fathers' Crisis Centre, engineer Lanny Davidson. "Men and women are completely different. We are socialised differently."
According to the father's rights advocate, some men do desire children deeply, but in contrast to women, they will wait until they are ready for fatherhood. "Women will not wait. Women want a live dolly. It gives them someone to love them back unconditionally. Many teenage pregnancies are from fatherless girls," he pointed out. "Girls from two parent families will delay having children and in general lead more stable lives."
Outlook asked: Do men too, have a need to be loved unconditionally?
Sex and love
The answer: apart from the fact that they were not "raised to have children" in the way women were, Davis says that men have an easier way to get the love they need. "Men confuse sex and love. They believe that if a woman has sex with them then she has given him her love, and sometimes he does not need it again. Other men will be satisfied with love in the form of a woman who cooks food and washes for them. These, they believe constitute love." A man therefore, does not need to have a child to get love.
The women interviewed by Outlook would not admit to having children, "for unconditional love". But, they did disclose an uncompromising need to have families, and if not families, then children.
Rebbeca Foster, from St. Catherine, did not become pregnant as a teenager. However, by the time she was 28 she was ready to have her child, and meticulously planned the pregnancy.
It is with a smile that Rebecca, now aged 40, remembers the campaign she waged at age 27 to have her son. Her strategy included discussing the issue with her male friend at the time, and going to the doctor for a thorough physical. She also came off the Pill.
One year later, she was the mother of a healthy baby boy. He is still her only child.
Other women who have seen their most fertile years come and go without a child express varying levels of frustration. Adoption, artificial insemination, and just soliciting a male friend for the purpose, these are some of the options they say they think about.
Yearning was not always there
But, not all women pursue motherhood as a second nature. Sandra Jamesof Kingston, now aged 27 and just about to be married, says that she now thinks frequently of having children, but the yearning was not always there. In fact, there was a time when she positively hated the idea of childbearing.
She was only 14 years old when she went to see a Woman Incorporated film about child bearing. "I was so traumatised that I decided right then and there not to ever have children," she recalls.It was only at age 22, James said, that the Holy Spirit revealed to her that she might be cursing her womb. "I fasted and prayed and asked God to bless me.
"I changed my mouth and said God your will, not mine," she told Outlook, though she still admitted that the prospect of having children was daunting.
Now that she is about to get married she knows exactly what kind of Mom she plans to be. "I will not be a jealous and possessive mother," she said.
Some women have delayed having children, viewing with horror the consequences of unplanned pregnancies around them. They will have kids, but not before the time is right, the resources are there, and the right person comes along.
Still, others emphasise that there is no way that they plan to raise children on their own. Unless they have the commitment of marriage from a man, they are not likely to ever carry a child to full term, or even get pregnant in the first place.
Once all the conditions are right, however, the average women will take the decision to get pregnant. Jennifer Clarktold Outlook that at age 28 she knew she would not wait one more year to have her children. The unmarried woman really wanted four children, but settled for two. "I knew that I was just ready. We (herself and her male friend) agreed that we would go ahead."
She says, "I knew that I would have support in terms of the family network, I had a cousin living with me and my mother lived nearby. I felt secure enough. I had good job, house and a car. Then I wanted to do this before 30. I was 28 at the time. I knew it was time."
Her unmarried state was not even a consideration. "I did not want to get married," she said. Today, Jennifer is the mother of a boy aged nine and a girl aged five. Even though she has parted ways with their father (who they see every week) she has no regrets. "Even now that most of the responsibility is on me, and sometimes I can barely manage, it's worth it. You feel a sense of fulfilment as if you have some purpose in life. You are just not living for yourself alone," she said.
Single father Lanny Davidson said he also wanted children and waited until he was 30, had a house and a job through which he could support a family. He separated from his wife after their daughter and son were born, but still he has no regrets about his children.
The only thing to be regretted, he says, is that he cannot buy them all the things he wants to. "Contrary to popular beliefs, fathers do enjoy buying things for their children," he said. His son lives with him at home and he sees his daughter every day when he picks her up from school, and also on holidays.
Both sexes may have different approaches to getting children, but at the end of the day, the commitment and love the same, he says. Men, he feels, are more responsible, and women should take a leaf out of their book. "You should not become a parent until you can pay rent," he quips.
Some names changed as requested.
- Avia Ustanny
