Tony Hendriks - JAMAICAN PALEFACE WORSE THAN the curse of being an island nation is that none of us was born with wings. The majority of us can't swim either, but we all want to leave the island at some time in our lives, and Lime Cay doesn't count!
Some of us are lucky enough to fly for business, some of us are fortunate to fly for pleasure, but the largest percentage of our country's population only fly in dreams, where multiple visas and the luxury of travelling whenever and wherever we please is the object of our desire.
Of those of us lucky enough to get off the island, some will never return, but the rest of us realise no matter what's on over far away, there's still no place like home. That's why so many Jamaicans abroad read this online.
FEAR OF FLYING
Some people are terrified of flying and stampeding hogs, a million dollars and a Dorian Grey pact, which Satan couldn't drag on a plane. I love to fly but only with airlines I trust. Gone are the days when I was happy to chance it on Cowboy Air. My innate nationalism demands I always fly Air Jamaica when my destination permits. I trust AJ. They have one of the best safety records and I have nightmares about flying with other airlines that I don't know.
Earlier this year a promoter booked me to fly to his gig in the Caribbean on a Sardine Tin Airline. It was horrific! On the return leg I was forced to sit in the middle of a middle row of five. Condemned to be the filling in a family sandwich consisting of a drunken father, quarrelling mother, incontinent grandmother, screaming, snivelling urchin, and me in the damn middle.
DRASTIC MEASURES
Drastic measures were called for. I arrived at the airport sporting a T-shirt saying: "MY SISTER WENT TO HONG KONG AND ALL SHE GOT ME WAS THIS VIRUS!" With a sniffle, a cough, and a thermometer sticking out of my mouth, I wandered into the departure lounge. Half the passengers had a change of heart and scrambled to rebook. I ended up with a whole row and most of the back of the plane all to myself.
The flight attendant assigned to my cabin poked my tray toward me with a toe. A vile, grey, mush they dared to call food, bubbled under its foil skin. I pushed it aside, hoping that if I didn't annoy it, it might not attack me. I spread myself across five seats, found a sweet spot in the pillow, my eyelids drooped only for a screen to drop out of a compartment in the ceiling and crackle to life. The steel pan sounded like the soundtrack from a bad porno flick as tropical vistas permeated my consciousness. I felt myself fading when suddenly a voice said: "We interrupt dat to bring you dis!"
CAPTAIN SHUTTLECOCK
A man dressed in pilot uniform and nuff gold braid on his hat appeared on screen. "Ladies and gentlemen I am Captain Shuttle-cock. No need for alarm, I just want to find out if anyone on board is a trained animal wrangler. If you have some experience in dealing with large snakes it would be better?" He squinted as he peered out from the screen almost as if he could see us.
"Okay, we just have to deal with it ourselves den. I'm going to have to let out the dog and see if him can find it." He kissed his teeth. "Me tell dem, dem can't just put a snake on de plane in a Addidas bag and shove it in a overhead bin. Dem listen to me? No sir!" He gestured to the gold braid on his hat and epaulets, "What dem think this is, ackee?" He was becoming agitated. "Dem must think is buy me buy it! No, me have to work hard and pass exam. Me all learn to read, write and tell time to fly dis damn rusty metal bucket!"
"Aye!" he winced and touched his temple, "Me head a hot me. Me never want work today you know. Me should a go eye doctor to get replacement glasses cause the others broke and all I have is this spare pair." He donned goggles thick as an old D&G Sof Drink bottle and covered one eye with his hand.
"Then I'm supposed to visit the hospital for a x-ray to see if the chest pain I'm having is anything more than gas. Probably nothing serious. Not like last time. I'm sure the numbness in my arm and tingling in my fingers is because I sleep funny last night." He looked at his watch and felt his pulse. "Backside! Me better get back to de cockpit to make sure we flying straight. It Trevor ever fall asleep again we in trouble. Anyway, when me hear smaddy bawl out me will know de dog find de snake."
I sat bolt upright, sweat dripping from my forehead. Yes I was on board but it was only a nightmare. Still, I'm sticking with the people I know in future.
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com
