Tony Hendriks - JAMAICAN PALEFACE YOU MAY remember Freddy. He's my greatest fan and occasional international correspondent. Freddy has travelled the world since winning lotteries in JA, USA and UK. All with the same numbers. Some say he's lucky. Some say he's a thief. I say he's a friend. Mind you he's worth US$35 million, so he has a lot of friends. Anyway this came from him yesterday.
Mr. Face, how do you do? Long time. Too long to be honest but I couldn't get to write any letter while me was in X-Ray Camp. No, not Camp X-Ray in Cuba, where Mr. Bush imprison every man, goat and one-eye lion him catch in Afghanistan. No, I talking bout XXX-Ray Camp in de desert in Nevada, USA.
Mr. Face when me say camp me don't mean like Girl Guides on Waterloo Road. No, dis camp full a girl who never go to no school to learn what dem do. Well, maybe dem did go to one school where girls catch bus at Cross Roads an make deal with ductor dat if him let dem off bus fare on Tuesday dem won't wear no brief on Wednesday. But no school near Junction, St. Elizabeth where me come from. Only similarity is Girl Guide will teach you to tie knot and light fire, but XXX-Ray girl make you hot like fire and tie you in knot if you pay.
Me never intend to stay in dat place for pleasure, Mr. Face. No, I just doing God's work and trying to save de girls from de fire of Hades. De Lord say to me "Freddy!", because you see Mr. Face even God call me by my pet name, him say "Freddy, dem girl is sinner. Someone have to talk to dem and make dem change dem ways."
As me hear dat, Mr. Face, me know de Lord did send me to talk to dem. But boy it took a lot of talking. Some of dem never want to hear me, so me did have to shout. So loud dem call police and say madman in de place. Me soon show dem me not mad by bringing out a roll a money. All a sudden everybody find me very sane. Funny how sometimes de Lord use de Devil's tools to do his work? Mysterious indeed but a so it go.
One girl like me off. She name Harold. She wassy, you see Mr. Face, but very hairy. On her face as well as her foot. She look a bit like Elephant Man when de light bright but me don't mind too tough as she cook a nice chicken and rice and peas on Sunday. She say she have something to tell me when de time is right and me will wait. Dem say good things come to those who wait and me have plenty a time as de Lord tell me to try save all de girls. So a saving dem one by one. Jah know, dat kind of saving don't take two minutes.
Anyway de reason me write is because me believe me have seen de light, Mr. Face, and we want to share it with you. After all you a me breddrin and nuff time in Jamaica we have power cut and don't have no light. Now, I not talking born-again light, Mr. Face, I talking bout a point of light in de mind not de soul. Make a show you what a mean.
Everybody know Jamaica motto: 'Out Of Many, One People' but did you know dat it is de Asians in Jamaica dat is de good and de evil? Yes, with all my travelling around de world me come to realise dat what every Jamaican need is two Asians. Ed-Jook-Asian and Emma-Gr-Asian.
If you get de first Asian without de second you will never fully appreciate dat de grass at home is not only greener but it also sweeter too. Not jus' dat but you might can afford to get someone else to cut it for you. But if you not careful you will come down with a third Asian, Frus-tr-Asian.
If you get de second Asian without with de first you become an Emma Grunt and a Un-Ed-Jook-Hated one at dat. A Buhtoo. Buhtoo bruk line, push woman and child out de way, talk loud, act voylent and get arrested by police for tings dem should not do. But because dem don't get Ed-Jook-Asian dem soon meet another Asian, Incarcer-Asian.
Jamaica need more good and less bad, Asian Mr. Face. Infl-Asian, Suffer-Asian and Murder-Asian, is bad. Toler-Asian, Emancip-Asian and Consider-Asian is good. Jamaican people smart and we all deserve a good Ed-Jook-Asian. If we get dat we can go far and less of us will want Emma-Gr-Asian. More people will want Repatri-Asian. You nuh see it?
Dat is Freddy's Revel-Asian and Realise-Asian, Mr. Face. Walk good until de next time me gone back to taking care of de XXX-Ray Camp girls. Me will be their Salv-Asian from Cop-Yule-Asian without Pro-Cre-Asian.
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com
