DO THEY close their eyes to the faults of each other? Does she ignore all his affairs? Does he pretend to love the way she cooks?
Are marriages built on the sham of pretence, instead of the traditional virtues of love and commitment? This week Outlook attempts to find out if there is any 'how' in creating really happy marriages that last, instead of just unions that are borne like a burden to the bitter end. Kathleen Brown, an administrative assistant, married happily for the last 13 years, told us that communication, with a capital 'C', was the main ingredient in her peaceful marriage.
"If you do not communicate, you can't reach anywhere. Some people do not talk to their partners; they go ahead and do what they want without discussions. Communicating builds trust. They also need to spend time together." Sharing, she said, is also important, especially where money is concerned. "He takes care of some bills, and I do the others," Kathleen Brown said.
Lack of respect
Mentioning the problems observed in other relationships, she listed the main one as a lack of respect. "They (men) allow their 'outside' women to call their homes and harass their wives. That is a definite lack of respect."
Devon Marsh, 42 years old and married for the last 24 years, said that he feels that the most important advice he can give any man who wants his marriage to last is to 'just be himself'. Many men, he said, abandon their friends and start going to church soon after marriage, but are unable to keep it up.
"You cannot change yourself to please another person," he insists. "I am the same person who my wife married 24 years ago."
He still makes her breakfast in the mornings and his first priority, when he collects his monthly cheque, is to look after family matters. He has not changed and other men would be advised to remain the same.
What do the experts have to say about making marriage last?
Dr. Barry Davidson, head of the island-wide Family Life Ministries counselling services, and married for 31 years himself, told us, "In our society we tend to spend more time getting ready for the wedding than preparing for the marriage. As a result many beautiful wedding days are followed by years of misery, or, at best, minimal happiness."
He shares with us the essential list of things that make marriages last:
Shared values. Similar values, having the same social and or religious background.
Friendships. Lasting relationships depend more on "I like you", than on "I love you".
Intimacy. Intimacy involves listening, which is the language of love. Happy couples encourage intimacy through praise and mutual reinforcement.
Fighting fairly. Whether lovers grow apart can often be traced to how conflicts are resolved.
Tolerance. Most successful couples acknowledge that many problems are unsolvable and learn to work around them. They focus on what's good about the relationship, so that it becomes the core of the relationship, while negatives become peripheral.
Passion Virtually all researchers agree that sexual attraction peaks within the first year or two of a relationship. But the happiest couples still have plenty of sexy feelings left. Staying at a peak isn't necessary for a happy union. An enduring attraction within the context of an ongoing sexual relationship with one person is the most intense, fulfilling experience any human can have.
Equality. The lovers with the best chance for happiness contribute equally to a relationship.
Trust. Feelings of love may wax and wane during a relationship, but trust is a constant. Infidelity is the most devastating betrayal of trust a couple can experience.
Commitment. Successful couples don't take each other for granted but work constantly at rejuvenating their good feelings for each other. The most satisfied couples put more thought and energy into their relationship than they put into their children or career. Commitment serves as the cornerstone of marriage, first, a commitment to God, and then a commitment to each other.
Desrene and Donald Grant of St. Catherine, who have been married for nine years, also got together to distil what they believe were the essential elements of a good marriage.
"For a marriage to last, one will have to make God the centre of the union. One needs to remember the vows said before God and man at all times, so that whenever there is a disagreement, it would not be of anything to threaten the marriage.
"There should also be communication, trust, respect, commitment, and unconditional love to keep the marriage fire burning.
"That spark should always be visible, as if it were only yesterday we had laid eyes on each other," said Donald Grant.
Avia Ustanny
Some names changed as requested.
