Tony HendriksNUMBER ONE:
ALWAYS LEAVE your wallet, keys, watches and jewellery on a surface close to an open window, thus enabling fisherman-burglars and/or unwanted relatives to reach in and subsequently avail themselves of your property or funds by which to entertain themselves.
Of course if you would rather teach the burglars who thrust their hand into your airspace a lesson, try this: Turn out the light. Hide. Wait until their hand is hovering over your belongings then suddenly slam the window shut on their arm, ignite a blowtorch and toast their fingers to a crisp. This will accomplish several things. First, it may stop the victim of your plot from ever doing it again. Second, the burns will make them easily identifiable as a sticky-fingered miscreant. Third, and most important, you will be thoroughly amused even though you may be sued.
Advice: Do not do this to friends, as you will lose them, unless of course that is your intention. Warning: Family are not so easily lost.
NUMBER TWO: When travelling overseas and arrangements dictate that you must change planes before reaching your final destination, always label your luggage with a tag for a destination other than the one you are flying to thereby ensuring your bags will arrive safely at the same time and place as you. This doesn't always work but it is worth a try as whenever you label it to go to the same destination as you, it misses by miles.
NUMBER THREE: The old wives tale, "Sea bath good for everything!' is true. In most cases Sea Bath will cure cold, cough, cuts and bruises, 'bad back' and headache. However if you can't swim it won't cure you of that. The only sure-fire cure for being a non-swimmer is drowning or penicillin.
NUMBER FOUR: The sound a woman makes when she climaxes varies from woman to woman. However it is unlikely that she will kiss her teeth. If your partner makes such a sound it is more likely that she did not achieve orgasm. If this is the case with your partner, I suggest you read a book, learn some technique, and keep practising until she starts to sound like she has just run up a hill carrying a bucket of water. If you are still unable to achieve this, I suggest you employ someone else to do the work.
NUMBER FIVE: Several countries around the world are banning smoking in public places. This is good. If a law could be introduced banning everybody else from driving while I am on the road, this would be even better.
NUMBER SIX: Thongs are good! Especially when the lady wearing one is also wearing the type of jeans that sit six inches closer to sea level than her thong. The visible strands of elastic that cut into a lady's often generous hip flesh or love handles, reminds me of brown paper packages tied up with string; these are a few of my favourite things.
NUMBER SEVEN: I agree with the laws banning people from touching their mobile phone while driving. Some people can't even walk straight when talking on a phone. They slow down, get in your way, bump into you, and even step out into the traffic. Well, I suppose it's not all bad.
NUMBER EIGHT: 'What don't kill you, cure you'. This is true. My first wife didn't kill me, even though she stabbed me, but she certainly cured me of marriage.
NUMBER NINE: The reason many Jamaican men walk with a slight limp and lean to one side is not because the beaches we walk along slope down to the sea. Nor is it because we are so big that when we dress to one side it throws off our balance. Mind you some of us...
NUMBER TEN: People with Christian names such as River, Sky, Devon, Grass, Cornwall and Lexus are very often named after objects or places that their parents were looking at, sitting on, or visiting, during the conception of the said nouns. They may also reflect the parent's lifestyle.
The other day I met a youth named Martel. His father owns a liquor store. His sister's name is Crystal; his brothers are Gilbey, Gordon, and Mackeson. Even the dog is called Bud. But the one I feel sorry for is his half brother, his father's son from a fling he had with a woman at a bar in St. Elizabeth. His name is John Crow B@##y.
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com.
