By Rosemary Parkinson, Freelance Writer
Customers at Juici Patties. - Photo By Rosemary Parkinson
LORD, COODEH, come fi yuh worl'. Help me, fa mi can't suffer fools gladly and it affects my blood pressure. Mek mi ah tell you right now I could take to mi yard, lie down on mi mattress fi de res' o' my life wid de vapours. Is bes' I get everyting off my chess fi di new year. True.
'Juici' News No. 1 another explanation obviously required.
I am a candid food reviewer. Candid means frank, truthful. I don't seek admiration and I don't glorify what's not to be glorified. I provide 'customer service' to readers. I try doing so with grace, love, respect, encouragement. I give due when due is deserved, I don't when it's not. I write without preferential treatment. I help the restaurateur, the cookshop, the fast food outlet, the soup man on the corner, the yam roasters, the jerk pan guys, the manufacturers anybody in food with understanding quality and service.
I encourage the spreading of 'Manleys'. I try to instil pride inna all Jamaica. I write with humour, some tongue-in-cheek, ah little flavour (no pun intended) it's called 'writer's licence'. I am qualified because I am a customer and mi love food. There's no invitation required to eat or write about consumer products. Mi can just do eet jess like dem food reviewers inna foreign. Understand now Miss Norma Lou? And everybody else? Fa mi nah 'ave de strength to do eet again. Straight.
'Juici' News No. 2 those skewers of delicious juicy beef on roadside billboards and in newspaper ads (for Alpo dog food).
Mi see dem skewers big and bold that say: "For the real meat lovers in the family." If mi eye not good and me didn't know from foreign dat Alpo is fi dogs, is dat I would buy for de family.
Serious, I've talked to people in all walks of life about this ad. The concensus? It's a little harsh to face such a foreign-overseas-and-abroad-motivated delightful-looking dog shish kebab when some people here can't afford a piece o' pork for Christmas. Shame. Shame. Shame.
'Juici' news No. 3 news of a third kind the real thing.
Last week Tuesday, December 9, returning from Negril, we passed my favourite watering hole - Mother's (Santa Cruz, St. Elizabeth) 'cause my friend wanted to stop at Juici Patties just outside of May Pen (going toward Manchester), Clarendon. 'Dem make a great saltfish and callaloo, Rosie. De place always packed so we have to hurry. You just have to taste their incredible red pea soup.'
Reaching our destination a 'likkle' before 11:00 a.m. we were close to starvation. We found few people in line. Lucky, we thought. You know what thought made a man do? Don't mek me tell you in dis here decent newspaper, ah beg. Unbeknownst to us we were about to experience cashier Latoy the Queen of lala-land.
"Two red peas soup, please dear," said we in unison.
"Red pea soup not ready," said the Queen.
"When will it be ready?" asked my companion.
"It not ready now," answered the Queen.
"Could you find out when it will be ready?" asked my companion.
"Me know it not ready when it come, the back will tell us," Queen Latoy retorted.
"You know your attitude so early in de morning is not very nice," said my friend.
"All mi ah seh is dat de red peas soup not 'ere," the Queen sternly reported.
"Ridiculous," said my friend. "Bes' watch your mouth, this lady here writes in The Gleaner, she will write about you. Further, if you can't give a decent answer I will personally report you in Kingston. I know how hard the owners of Juici work mi nuh think dem want to hear about attitude. Mi know dem well."
"Mi know dem too," answered Queen Latoy royally. "Di peas soup not ready. Anything else?"
Like a bull in a china shop my friend ordered a Jerk Chicken. Like a heaving hyper-ventilating lunatic I, nothing.
'Lorraine' was at food collection. Fit to be tied we enquired after the red peas soup, complaining about Queen Latoy. Lorraine called the factory.
"It soon come," was the answer.
"How soon?" we asked. "About 15 minutes," was the reply.
Okay then. I joined the ever increasing line again, moving slowly until I once more faced the Royal Box. Princess Lorraine had joined Queen Latoy.
"Two red peas soup please," said I.
"De red peas soup not here," answered the Queen.
"Lorraine said it ready in 15 minutes," said I.
"It not here," said the Queen and the Princess together. "Look, I want to pay for the red peas soup and wait until it arrives," said I getting louder. "This is normal procedure at any fast food unless you tell me there is absolutely no red peas soup today or that there will be no red peas soup during the course of my lifetime."
"De red peas soup not here," proclaimed the Queen. The Princess nodded knowingly.
Patience is a virtue, my mother taught me. I did try my very best. I really did.
"Why can't I pay for the soup? Why can't I just pay for the bloody soup and wait."
"We can't cash de red pea soup until it reach. Next," said the Princess pointing to the man behind me.
My friend was about to have a total conniption but God is good. Angel Natalie came to the rescue. She, bless her soul, had the presence of mind not only to enquire about the status of the coveted soup but promised to seek it, grab it by the pot and serve up two cups especially for us. The end of the saga seemed near.
THINGS GONE WRONG
IN THE KINGDOM
Once more the line. Once more the Queen.
This time Her Highness Latoy decreed simply not to cash me and removed herself from the throne, commanding the Princess to assist. This last bit of insolence topped it all. Finally, clutching our red pea soup, Angel Natalie was asked to take our money to the cashiers. By now the Kingdom was in total disarray, the Queen and Princess waxing wrong and strong to all and sundry over the saga of the red peas soup.
Suddenly, a Knight galloped through the royal gates breathing dragon fire, demanding an audience with the Manager. Assistant Manager Morris appeared from the depths. Sir Colin Wright huffed and puffed his complaints about the Drive-Thru and his 45-minute wait, without attention, along with three other cars. My companion joined the melee.
I rest my case with the words -- Queen Latoy mus' now 'ave a tarnished crown and Princess Lorraine a twist in she tiara. Sorry Miss Morris but when you called to us we were only wanting to get back to Kingston ASAP the time 12.15 p.m.
Juici Patties the red peas soup was really delicious and the Jerk Chicken just okay.
Advice: Don't guillotine the Queen and Princess for Christmas. Train them or remove the Santa Claus hats. We are convinced the tightness causes obstruction of brain matter. And I promise a real review in the new year -- this is just a lesson about service.
May the blessed day of Christmas be joyous to you all and remember, you must believe in Santa Claus.
If you seek what is honourable, what is good, what is the truth of your life, all the other things you could not imagine come as a matter of course.
- Oprah Winfrey from 'Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul'.
