Tony Hendriks - JAMAICAN PALEFACE OKAY, SO what do you give the man who has everything? Well, Penicillin, AZT, White Rum and comfrey weed for starters. But why not give him a Duppy Award for being a craven old crutch?.
Yes, Duppy Awards! It is time again to give the people who I feel deserve to be called a Duppy, for reasons good or bad, an award. At a time like this, the Gleaner's legal department works like fury saying, "Can he say that?" and "Do we care?" Of course the Duppy Awards will be spread over more than one week as limiting my opinions to less than eight hundred words is impossible at the best of times. So, onward!
In the past most of the awardees have been Jamaican, the great exception to the rule being Bill Clinton's sturdy intern Monica Lewinski who showed she was a hands-on kind of girl who could buckle down to work, use her head and take it on the chin. Her performance was beyond the call of dirty sorry, that should be duty, but it's too late to cry over spilt milk.
However, since the last awards several international events have changed our lives for good or bad, depending on your religious zeal. I too have spent more time abroad than at home and so I feel the awards should reflect this trend. Anyway, is me write it so a so it go!
As is the case with JFK's assassination and the first man on the moon, most people can remember what they were doing and where they were on the 11th of September, 2001 when news broke that some Arabs had declared war and the Shiite hit the fan. But have you ever noticed that whenever we're asked "where were you when - ?" it is always in relation to some drama in America?
Can you remember where you were when Indira Gandhi was shot, Mandela released or even when Dr. Martin Luther King was killed? Didn't think so. The only reason I know where I was when Bob Marley died is because I stood by the window shaking my radio and my head, confused at the sudden turn of events that meant JBC Radio were playing reggae in the middle of the day.
So my first Duppy Award for Totally One Sided Media Reporting goes to all US news media, CNN, NBC, ABC, and CBS. I don't include Fox in this because that isn't news. They make Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh look middle of the road. My second Duppy goes to NBC who receive the Only One Nation In The Olympics Award for their coverage of the last few games.
Next is a Special Duppy Award for one of our locals, an extra large digital clock with giant numbers for the Rt. Hon. Edward Seaga who is obviously too old to read the time. Eddie, it is TIME YOU QUIT!
An Impending Economic Disaster Duppy Award of a Shiny New Calculator that can actually add and multiply and not just subtract, divide and rule goes to Minister of Finance Dr. Omar Davies. We hope he can now work out what everyone else already knows, Jamaica running out of money!
Saddam Hussein is a Double Duppy. His first award is the Pit Latrine Duppy for hiding in a hole the size of a cesspit. Perhaps he could have dug his way out. In fact, maybe he wasn't hiding at all, maybe he was escaping, and the hole was the start of a tunnel. If he kept on digging (check your globe) he'd end up in Cuba. With that beard he could do a deal with Fidel, take over Cuba, release all the Al Quaeda boys interned at Guantanamo Bay, invade Florida and retire.
Saddam's second Duppy is the Spendthrift Duppy for only having U$750,000 left from the billion dollars he stole from the Bank Of Iraq. That'll teach him for having more than one wife. By the way, Saddam's hole looks worse than it is. Its only drawback is location. If it were in Manor Park, New Kingston or Beverly Hills it'd be worth millions.
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com
